Innately Habitual Defence

Most people will know me as rather chirpy, energetic and hyper. Most of the times, I can't even differentiate if I'm doing this habitually or if it's innate. After all the hype, I'll usually deflate when I'm all alone or whenever I'm with people I'm entirely comfortable with. Walls of defence are usually up without any specific intention to do so but supposedly it's a natural human defense. I'm not even sure if I've got a wall around me now. What's second nature?

Hope & Health

The last time I shaved bald (my head that is) was... Well, eons ago.

I was thinking this is a good cause to lose my hair for but the logical side of me quickly took over. Given the nature of my job, my bosses will go ballistic if I turn up bald one day even if my clients and candidates are acceptable to the idea of me losing my hair for charity. If you are able to do it, I do urge you to participate and sacrifice your crowning glory for these kids. Check out their website.

Time to keep fit! Put on those running shoes and join me for the Shape Run. Giving me some good reason to hit the gym once again and train up for the coming run. Pray hard that my ACL, lateral meniscus and collateral ligament don't act up. Ice... Ice... Ice...

Menstrual cramps used to be foreign to me. I used to think my friends are crazy to be taking really strong painkillers for pain that I've never experienced before. Recently, I've been contemplating going on the Pill. Yes yes, I can imagine those faces reading this. Birth Control?! It is but I'd rather call it hormone regulating pills just because they are. My main concern is if it will have a more permanent effects which is usually not reported or elaborated by the pharmaceutical companies. As long as it doesn't affect my ability to have kids in the long run, I think it's a win-win situation since it leads to better skin condition after taking it for some time. Any voices for or against taking the Pill?

Drifting By Crossroads

Formula Drift rocked. With compliments from Mask Bunny, we were seated comfortably in the Grandstand, otherwise, I'd been charred under the scorching sun. The SPF50 on my face doesn't quite seemed to help since I woke up today with red hot cheeks. My personal favourites would have to be Ryuji Miki and "Madmike" I was rather disappointed when Madmike came in 3rd since I think he's the most skillful drifter present yesterday. Nonetheless, they all put up a good show. There were several funny moments. Eg. The tyre delivering machine, or whatever it's supposed to be called, passed us and we were all cheering it on. And one of the cars had both its bumpers fell off during one of the runs. After that drag, the car looked "botak".

Just one question, let me know if you have got the answer. "Why does the safety car always have to be so fugly?"

Met with some of the old Sharkies yesterday and one of whom, "Not So Spartan 300" has just gotten his new ride. The MINI Cooper S to be specific. Absolutely gorgeous and I'm once again tempted to check the MINI out. The main thing now being Raffles' Place being the ultimately tough place to get season parking and everyone's been encouraging me to get a piece of property instead. That is totally out of my league for now. It's in the pipelines though and I'm pretty happy bunking in with Mom and Dad for now... Until Mom gets on my nerves again that is. Besides, a house is not a home without the components that makes it home. But but but... The MCS and GTi is having a really close fight in my puny little thing called brains now...

Yippe, my Twin in NYC is coming home soon. I'm quite sure she'll be back this year!

I went down to the crossroads, fell down on my knees.
I went down to the crossroads, fell down on my knees.
Asked the Lord above for mercy, "Save me if you please."

I went down to the crossroads, tried to flag a ride.
I went down to the crossroads, tried to flag a ride.
Nobody seemed to know me, everybody passed me by.

I'm going down to Rosedale, take my rider by my side.
I'm going down to Rosedale, take my rider by my side.
You can still barrelhouse, baby, on the riverside.

You can run, you can run, tell my friend-boy Willie Brown.
You can run, you can run, tell my friend-boy Willie Brown.
And I'm standing at the crossroads, believe I'm sinking down.

爱是一滴眼泪, 还没凝固已经成灰

爱怎么做怎么错怎么看怎么难怎么教人死生相随
爱是一种不能说只能尝的滋味试过以后不醉不归
等到红颜憔悴
它却依然如此完美
等到什么时候
我们才能够体会
爱是一朵六有天飘下来的雪花还没结果已经枯萎
爱是一滴擦不干烧不完的眼泪还没凝固已经成灰
等到情丝吐尽
它才出现那一回
等到红尘残碎
它才让人双宿双飞
有谁懂得个中滋味
爱是迷迷糊糊天地初开的时候
那已经盛放的玫瑰
爱是踏破红尘望穿秋水只因为
爱过的人不说后悔
爱是一生一世一次一次的轮回
不管在东南和西北
爱是一段一段一丝一丝的是非
教有情人再不能够说再会
教有情人再不能够说再会

I breathe every single breath with every passing second. It becomes easy to get used to the pain and silence. The noise and laughter seems to drown the cries and whines of sitting here facing 0 decibel. Waking up to a sarcastic bright cheery blue sky, your face comes to mind and I wonder, when will I wake up staring into your sleepy eyes awaiting that cozy "good morning" and a tight big hug. I can't tell you how much I miss those dreamy yet focused eyes. There are times when I feel like wailing a bucket but do you know how I really feel and do you care that it hurts so bad for me. Till this day, this very minute, I still insist on walking this dark tunnel that seems to go on forever. Every now and then, I'll be finding myself excuses to walk away, as far away as possible. But every single attempt proved futile. It's purely a belief, the trust and the love I've never experienced in my life which I can't explain. The disappointment of the realisation that I'm the only idiot in the entire universe to be feeling such is starting to hit in real hard. Is it wrong to insist that this is not a dream?

Hold me tight. 我也会有想哭的感觉

Home for This Doggie?

One of Fat Club's Jokers found this dog on Pasir Ris Farmway 3. He was attacked by stray dogs and is now homeless. Good samaritans able to adopt a dog and wishes to consider this dog, please contact me. However, do not think it's cute and adopt animals on an impulse. You must preferably have experience with taking care of dogs.

Gender: Male
Age: At least 5 years
Breed: Jack Russell (Pure)

If you can provide a good home for this cutie, please let me know in the first instance.

Shoulder To Cry On

Heard this song over Class 95, got reminded of Elementary (Primary) school when I first got introduced to pop music and then, Tommy Page was hot stuff! Looking back, it was just a song with soothing tune and today, it carries far more meaning than just a old pop song. It takes really bad and down times in time to allow us to sit back and reap the friendship we have sown. Some friendship need not take years but with a genuine heart, we can easily find some shoulders we can lean and cry on.

When I put up my status on Facebook wanting a shoulder to cry on, my phone buzzed within the next 5 mins. Alcoholic Empress Dowager expressed her concerns and reassured me that if when I need a shoulder to cry on, she will be there. There are many kinds of shoulders people need in different times and no matter when and where, a true friend's concern is always appreciated. Urban Legend Wifey has through her actions also reminded me that she will always be there to share the cup of Milo with me and I know during in times of need, I have enough shoulders to cry on.

Life is full of lots of up and downs,
And the distance feels further when you're headed for the ground,
And there is nothing more painful than to let your feelings take
you down,
It's so hard to know the way you feel inside,
When there's many thoughts and feelings that you hide,
But you might feel better if you let me walk with you
by your side,
And when you need a shoulder to cry on,
When you need a friend to rely on,
When the whole world is gone,
You won't be alone, cause I'll be there,
I'll be your shoulder to cry on,
I'll be there,
I'll be a friend to rely on,
When the whole world is gone,
you won't be alone, cause I'll be there.
All of the times when everything is wrong
And you're feeling like
There's no use going on
You can't give it up
I hope you work it out and carry on
Side by side,
With you till the end
I'll always be the one to firmly hold your hand
no matter what is said or done
our love will always continue on
Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on
everyone needs a friend to rely on
When the whole world is gone
you won't be alone cause I'll be there
I'll be your shoulder to cry on
I'll be there
I'll be the one you rely on
when the whole world's gone
you won't be alone
cause I'll be there!
And when the whole world is gone
You'll always have my shoulder to cry on....

Urban Legend has recently lost the Urban in the Legend. Either the transformation from a myth to someone who beyond doubt, existed or that this Legend took a step back into reality where life rightly belongs, gaining the lucidness from the loss in the process of the recent transient. Have I lost the Urban or gained a Legend? Sigh... The very meaning of Legend seems to hold the same weight and volume as memories. You think about it but it's not real anymore. Is it all over? And I thought although Urban Legend isn't the best thing since the invention of sliced bread, he's at least real. Or is it?

Does Manuka Honey still tastes the same?

Will one actually be missed due to non-presence or conveniently forgotten since "out of sight, out of mind" pretty much works for everyone? At least for me, absence makes... Rather not want absence. Bleah...

Love Deeper, Speak Sweeter

Taken from one of my favourite songs, "Live Like You Were Dying" by Tim McGraw.

and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying

Life is so short. Over lunch, Ex-Sir's Sir was telling me of the passing of the brother-in-law of my ex-classmate who just got married last month. I met the chap during the dinner and you would never imagine him to be someone who would die young. About a fortnight ago, he had a stroke while waiting for a friend. A passerby found him lying unconscious on the street and sent him to the hospital and by then, he was already pronounced brain-dead. Life is just so unpredictable. But to live like you were dying can prove to be really tiring so I guess the main gist is to do things we wouldn't regret. At the end of life, the very second that we breathe our last, we should not be feeling guilty or empty because we haven't loved deeper or spoke sweeter. Simple things is life can be made so much more fulfilling. Life is unbelievably short, we have to make full use of every possible moment. Tell the very person who means anything to you at all how you really feel because you may never have another chance to say it.

Manuka Honey knows why Manuka Honey is Manuka Honey and is not forgotten.

As for tonight, I'm going to drink and be merry.

Good Night

If you are still wondering why I've gone quiet and posted a song, that's because I'm down with an evil flu bug and all I've been doing is to walk around with my iPod, repeating that song, Angel. Before I left for New York in December last year, I took a flu jab and since then, I've been down with an obviously different strain of flu at least thrice. Either I have a really weak constitution or travelling doesn't do my body much good.

I feel that I've got so much to say but I'm just too tired to type anything so cut me some slack and I shall be back very soon before you know it with some good stuffs. Stay tuned and watch this space.

Before I go catch my 40.. er maybe 80 winks, these couple of days since I got back had been great for me to catch up with friends and people important to me. It's funny how I see life quite differently now... Not that different but significant enough to stir some emotions in me. Fill you guys in soon.

Weightlessness

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

Heart Murmuring

Been feeling miserable the entire day sniffing away and trying to fight some fire at work. Even when I've been given tomorrow off as well, I supposed I'll get my ass back into the office and start pushing myself harder. My nasal cavity is all stuffed and I sound like someone is pinching my nose.

Found out from the doctor that my Mom, despite constantly getting on my nerves, she actually is hoping to see more of me and looks forward to have dinner with me. Guess I've been so busy with my own stuffs that I forget that she's alone too. Next week on, I must make an extra effort to keep her company.

Having had an entire day at home allowed me to think about certain things in life yet again. When one is sick, you tend to think about the most uncomfortable and upsetting things and that was exactly what happened. I repeatedly asked myself why did I put myself in a situation when I know I'm just forcing on a smile everyday. All I wanted was some TLC or simply having someone ask if you're fine. "I'm not fine. I'm sick and I feel like crying."

As things crawl and inch forward, if not backwards, I'm slowly sinking into a self-reproach mode. Most people in their right mind-frame will make a conscious effort not to come into someone else's relationship and become the third party. But given the time and day we're in, some people can't help but fall into the trap. Most of us at one point in time of another, would probably have experienced being a third party somehow. It just happens no matter how hard we try to avoid it happening. However, what is potentially frightening is becoming a backup plan conveniently. Not that anyone intentionally planned for things to move in a certain way but the way things work, some things or people inevitably become backup plans. Many have said that this is the worst position to be. Others think that one just chooses to dismiss it or not see it. There's no explanation for staying in a situation like that because one may or may not know that they have unknowingly became "The Backup Plan".

Some people are just born unlucky being caught in such situations all the time or one just never get to meet anyone who genuinely cares. Either way, this stupid swine has chosen to stay for something she genuine believes to exist although it might be just another case of The Emperor's Clothes. Maybe she's stupid and maybe she's naive, she's here to stay.

Someone kill me!

I need to go back to ride some waves but Dad is constantly reminding me of my heart murmur and in the light of Darwin Peh, he's not going to let me do any rigorous sport anytime soon... Pah!

Almost Here. Not Quite Here. Not Here.

You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.
You'd be like Heaven to touch.
I wanna hold you so much.
At long last love has arrived
And I thank God I'm alive.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.

I can't seem to paint the right picture of the party I had there and insanity is purely understating the event. Even Mask Bunny was having trouble trying to explain to her friends that we were thrown into a rural forest and stuck in a 5 day tribal party. All we had was too much of alcohol, most of which straight from the bottle, very much like how crazy partying goes on in many other places. We had everything, you name it. Vodka, bacardi, bourbon, whiskey, tequila... The "manh dats" were well constructed and was really stable though I wouldn't quite use state of the art on the structure. The streets were surprisingly clean and neat. Only where there were mud and sand, mixed with too much water from the river, some places got a little... Ewww but mind you that's only the party place. Everywhere else was NORMAL. A bit like the laid back areas of Malaysia, but alot cleaner.

Pardon the way that I stare.
There's nothing else to compare.
The sight of you leaves me weak.
There are no words left to speak,
But if you feel like I feel,
Please let me know that it's real.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.

Just when I thought I was the cheapest drunk around, Mask Bunny wasn't any better. We did well for someone as cheap to turn drunk as us. At least I didn't throw up one bit for that 4 days of non-stop rave partying and drinking. I had so much to drink I can't even believe it myself. "Wake up! Brrrr"

I love you, baby,
And if it's quite alright,
I need you, baby,
To warm a lonely night.
I love you, baby.
Trust in me when I say:
Oh, pretty baby,
Don't bring me down, I pray.
Oh, pretty baby, now that I found you, stay
And let me love you, baby.
Let me love you.

As for the music, I have to say I was rather disappointed. Cheesy songs were played repeatedly and I meant REPEATEDLY, say 10 times a day and I'm so not kidding. Should Mask Bunny or myself hear the remix versions of Avril Lavigne's Girlfriend or the Tokyo Drift song or Fergie's Glamourous one more time, we're so gonna roll ur eyes and throw up but we'll still continue dancing and drinking. Teehee...

Having said all that, I simply can't wait to go back next year...



I would change the world
If I had a chance
Oh won't you let me
Treat me like a child
Throw your arms around me
Please protect me

Superwoman

My idea of being the superwoman to my man is to be the good wife and mother but what makes a good wife and mother?

This trip to Yangon truly opened my eyes to how different cultures view their values and roles as a woman/wife/mother. Women my age would have been married and possibly already have a couple of kids by now. Take for example, May Thet Kyaw (I'm using her real name because you probably wouldn't know her and she's the best person I've ever met in my life and is probably my new role model). She's married to Jewell's brother and I'm telling you, he's the luckiest man on earth. May's like the best hostess ever. Since the minute we landed, she took care of our every need. She was always there to help us and always keeping a lookout. She paid for all our dinners and refused to let us pay for anything. We barely used any money while we were there because everyone's just so warm and hospitable.


May Thet Kjaw first from right.

May has 3 kids, 2 boys and 1 girl, eldest is about 12 or 13 years old. (Mind you, she's just 4 years older than me). They are all superbly disciplined and the little one, Phu Phu, my personal favourite, is just a sweetie. Of the 8 days that we were there and being in the same car with the kids to and from the beach resort, we have never heard them cry or whine. The kids all have their maids or servants or playmates tagging along all the time but they will never be out of their mother's sight.

As a traditional Burmese woman, she's not allowed to run her own business and even if her husband is against her going out and working for dough, she wanted to do something she liked. So now, she runs a boutique and regularly travels to Bangkok to stock up. She is the epitome of what the Chinese describes as able to walk into the kitchen and at the same time, able to walk out of the living room.

Did I forget to mention, she's beautiful as in slim, nice skin, gorgeous features?

Just a note on the side for many women who tend to forget that they are wives after they became mothers. Not that I think it's a bad thing but we should never forget the foundation of having a family. Unless you were match-made, a family unit always grows on the foundation of love, the love that's being built between and man and wife unit. I actually saw that trait in Mom and I couldn't stop but tell her how much I love her. Taken from one of Oprah's episode, "First a wife, then a mother."

Thingyan 2008

"I'm back!" goes my first SMS out to everyone the moment I landed and even when the plane was still taxi-ing, I didn't care. I needed to return to reality and have some form of phone signals. In case some of you don't know, which is entirely possible, I'll be using Burma & Myanmar interchangeably because IT IS THE SAME PLACE! Similarly, Yangon was previously known as Rangoon.

My main purpose for this trip is to experience the Thingyan i.e. the water festival. It is actually the pre Burmese New Year celebrations. I didn't quite expect what I got myself into. I'd rather not call it culture shock because it is although the culture but does not quite reflect the Burmese day to day life.

When we touched down on Day One, we checked into this beautiful hotel, Mi Casa. The airport was gorgeous considering it's only a few months old. Frankly, I wasn't expecting the neat and clean service apartment nor the Hong Kong International Airport lookalike airport, so I was more than thankful.

My travel partner this time round was just like me. I'm the chunky ever-eating monkey and she's the energizer bunny. Both of us love our tea the same way, we like our food with ketchup, we hate vegetables and in fact, I probably take more veggie than she does but most importantly, despite all the similarities, we like different types of men. I'll have more stories of Mask Bunny and myself below.

After we checked in, we went on to Jewell's brother's place which has a guard house, massive land, 2 dogs and housed a warm family of 5. Over there, we were introduced to the Burmese currency, the Kyats. And if you think you're holding stacks for rupiahs, think again. The biggest denomination is 1000 kyats which is equivalent to a little less than 1 USD so in order to survive a day, you are require to bring stacks and stacks of cash. To tip with endless pieces of 1000 kyat notes seems pure extravagant and trust me, it's alot more fun than you think.

After getting baked under the sun and in the air-conditioned house (!), we made our way to the "mahn dat" which is basically a stage like platform and it could probably house a few hundreds of people. To get into one of these, people pay indiscriminate amounts of money and the poor will just roam the streets. Water was everywhere and people on these "mahn dat" will just spray water at everyone including pedestrians on the roads, all in good fun. It costs about 60grand kys to get into ours and it's supposed to be the better one. We got in free because Jewell's cousin was the co-organiser. The people who were on our "mahn dat" were all her friends and many of whom are the offsprings of some of the most influential or disgustingly rich people in Burma. By disgusting, I don't mean it to be disparaging in any way but I can't seem to find a better word for that. It's pure obscene.

In a normal day Burma, people are relatively conservative. During the water festival, people go wild and crazy and using alcohol as the excuse, they flirt and party their heart out. On a street like a expanded Pasar Malam with more than 50 "mahn dats", the heat was just all around us, surrounding your every pore. In fact, we arrived on the second day of the water festival and missed a day of fun.

When I first got there, I was rather skeptical. I kept asking Mask Bunny repeatedly, "are we going to do this for the next few days?", "do you think we'll survive this?", "what am I doing here?!". We had plans to go sightseeing and do the what not shopping but only upon reaching there, we realised that it was their public holidays and just like Singapore during the Chinese New Year period, all the shops were shut. As we walked up the steps of the "mahn dat", we felt ourselves getting wetter and wetter and not before long, we were all drenched.

Friends of friends with bottles of alcohol approached us and before we knew it, we were drinking off the bottles. Over the span of 4 days, I've had more alcohol than I've ever taken in my entire life. Initially, I tried to get away by using my allergy as an excuse but realising that it doesn't work at all, I gave up and started drinking. Surprisingly, I didn't get drunk and trust me, I can't drink for nuts and I gulped down quite a deadly dose. I strongly suspect it's the never ending flow of water that was constantly and consistently cooling our bodies down.

Before I left for Myanmar, Mao Meen told me to get water purification pills. But it ran out so I didn't get any. Even if I did, it would have been totally useless. The amount of water I've been ingesting that was being sprayed all over me was beyond any form of control.

By Day Two, I was enjoying the party and I let lose of any inhibitions, I started drinking more and I was just dancing from dawn till dusk. By 2 or 3 pm in the afternoon, I would have been in a total high and possibly forgot my name. Luckily Mask Bunny was with me and we were constantly watching out for one another and winging each other. Anytime some cutie approaches anyone of us, the other one will sneak away like a crab but close enough so that when the guy goes off, we're with each other once again. When if the less welcomed guys come along, we'll just hug each other and dance and I swear, most people there probably think we're in love or at least, bisexuals. I knew who ere her eye candies and she knew the exact "Teddy Bear" who was "hanging around" 5metres from the locus. "Teddy Bear" was my eye candy and speaks with a light sexy Brit accent. Like most Burmese men, he's got beautiful eyes and those lips were just so kissable. But having said that, most Burmese men are still very cautious of kissing some girls although they have no qualms with hugging and dancing with you. So do make an intelligent guess if I managed to get a kiss from this "Teddy Bear".

On Day Three, we were aching all over but continued to party. We were hooked. Mask Bunny actually went home with Pui Pui Cousin Porky. *sly smile As for me, I went on to explore the Chinatown in Myanmar after dinner. By then, Jeffers De Jay has already arrived. JDJ told us that we were lucky because this year, the water's really clean. He went last year and went home with rust stained white t-shirts.

Day Four was the last day of the water festival. I wore a dress that got very translucent after getting all wet in the water. I was so embarrassed but that lasted but like a whole of 15 minutes and once I got enough alcohol in the system, I just ignored that. I should never ever wear a dress to the water festival ever again.

Day Five was supposed to be easy and slow before Mask Bunny and myself fly off the very next day but after being easily coerced by JDJ and Jewell, Mask Bunny and myself followed them to a beach resort in Ngwe Saung near Pathein, Bay of Bengal. And you've guessed it, it's owned by Jewell's friend. I pampered myself to a scrub and massage and I did nothing else but recuperate from the 4 days of insanity. And finally, I had access to the internet over at the resort. With a healthy dose of Manuka honey, all I wanted was to come home quick and safely and if it means to camp over at the airport, I'd do it. That was precisely what I did. But now that I'm back safely, the least I wanna do is to disturb anyone's life or to mess anything up so I'm just being a good girl and I'm staying at home blogging away for you people to read and catch up with my life.

Don't you dare think I was over worrying before my trip because my life was indeed in danger amongst all the party. The "mahn dat" we were in was co-organised by some general's grandson so we were the "MAIN TARGET" for any possible bombs but now that I'm back, I can't be more thankful.

I'm just glad to be home even if it means Mom can't stop nagging at me...

Living Emo Will

Should I not be able to make it back, let's just say that I'm extremely glad to have people who cares for me. Whoever left me that message for me to come back in one piece, I don't know who you are and if you know how to get me apart from my blog, do send me a message. Pray for me... But if anything should happen to me, my Dad gets everything I own, though nothing much. My organs are to be donated.

If I don't make it back alive, the bar fridge in my room will go to A&E Quack. To be able to see you guys before I leave makes me feel that this world is still such a wonderful place with friends.

If I make it back, I know I'll be a much better person. This trip will start my South East Asian exploration tour. By end of this year, I should have already brought myself to Cambodia as well. If I make it back...

All I want is my Manuka Honey...

Subjectively Democratic

As some of you may be aware by now that I'm be flying off to Myanmar on Sunday. The news the last few days did worry me but I'm one of those who constantly feel lucky and that "this will never happen to me" mindset never quite left me. Urban Legend Wifey's little brother, "Superstar Candidate" has been discouraging me from going. Mao Meen's been very sweet and very concerned with my safety. I still want to stay alive so that I can claim my Max Brenner chocolate back from him... Haha! During coffee break today, I was telling Urban Legend Wifey that if I'm unable to make it back alive, what do I have to say to some people but judging from her uncontrollable laughter, I doubt she remembered anything I said which was essentially one sentence with 2000 permutations and variations. And to have a recording of my last words to be only put up to YouTube should something unfortunate happen to me would only mean that it will never be put up anywhere on the web because it will be technically impossible for this smartie girlie.

Frankly, I'm starting to get slightly worried for my own safety for obvious reasons. JFGI: Myanmar Politics or News

At the same time, some people's concern came pretty unexpected and should I say it's untimely. Should it come much earlier months ago, it might have made a difference. But having said that, since I'm in a temporarily dormant stage, such concern comes much as comfort and possibly more reasons to look further. I suppose some things in life do happen for a reason. The only thing pulling me back isn't a stubborn personality but because I believe this is the only time in my life, I'm hanging on to what is possibly the best thing that will happen to me or rather happened and is happening to me. Some people may never experience truly loving someone in their life. I'm learning and I'm not sure if this is the right emotion but I'm willing to put my life on it. On my birthday this year, though I was pissed, I clearly remembered telling a special someone, (or was it later on when I was sober) but anyways, I said that I was willing to entrust my life in his hand and for me to be able to do that, it required alot of courage out of me and most importantly, I have never ever said that in my life and such thoughts have never crossed my mind.

My blog entries' always been very cryptic but not what I have said above. I truly think that there's a certain level of danger this time round by going to a place where according to Mao Meen, it's the most dangerous place only second to Iraq at this very point in time. I know like for 70%, I'd be back alive but to have a 30% chance of getting kidnapped or killed, that is insane. In any case that I don't make it back (choy choy), you should know very well that I have so much faith and trust in you, it scares me. And believe it or not, there is only one person in this world I feel that I can entrust my life to and to start a family with. Am I repeating myself?

Maybe if I'm able to come back alive this time, I should really learn to face reality and stop dreaming. What's meant to be yours, will be. Vice-versa. I can only hold on to what's filled with hope, not emptiness. I can only pray and I will do just so...

By the way, "We Will Rock You" rocks and although I haven't heard like 50% of the songs, I knew more songs than I thought I'd know anyway and the atmosphere was just contagious. By the finale, we were all on our feet and our hands are waving all over the place. I can only wish that all these things I'm enjoying in my life, I could share the joys with you... I can only wish...

Breathe Hard, Hardly Breathe

Zhoos gave me the shock of my life but telling me that he's got a minor heart attack last week. Stop eating those unhealthy instant noodles you dodo! When things are right at the bottom, the only way is up. Hang in there! I'm just a phonecall away... *sob *sob

Girly bonding session with my new special assistant, Angel's Voice, brought us to steamboat and in this weather, it was heaven. The day was completed with my favourite Horlicks ice-cream with gummi bears & shortcake. Decadence!!!

Menstrual cramps and suspicious stomach flu kept my face purple for a good part of the day. I was feeling so lazy but I had so much grounds to cover before I dump everything to everyone else for my Burma trip.

Come tomorrow, I'll have half a day of super hard work and we'll be catching "We Will Rock You" after dinner. I can't wait.

From the short sentences as if I'm hard of breathing goes to show I'm mentally drained and I am indeed hard of breathing. I just hope that I won't have anymore nightmares and pains so that I can at least have a good night's sleep.

Enjoying a good chat with Unexpected Pilot and I'm glad, a concerned friend still exist. Genuinely. Buddy, we should have dinner when you get back from your training in Perth. A great way to fly... Haha... Cheesy I know but what do you expect, I'm exhausted.

任性

With compliments of Fatshark Guru, here's my eye candy of this season. He's cute, talented, hilarious, smart, witty, what more can a girl ask for? He'd better not be gay. If you're wondering what do I know about him, that cuz his FAQ list listed it all HERE.

Fatshark Guru will be home for a week and it has to be the whole week that I'll be away. I'm leaving on Sunday morning and he's only arriving on late Saturday. We'll probably rub some air between our shoulders the next Sunday when he's returning to Walldorf till end June. Let's just hope that he's not jet-lagged on Saturday and we can do some catching up before I fly off.

The only thing we can be sure of in life is change.

Still remembered when we sent Lampung Prince off, we met his Grandma but little did we know then that it would be our first and last encounter with her. Having gone through the same myself not too long ago, I can only say that we will never recover from the pain and I still mourn over my loss but what we will do is to learn to live with it. With everyday that passes, we will be stronger and tougher. For me, every image that very day is still vivid. As a result of several false alarms, most of the people were tired but it was the eve of Hari Raya. Right after work, I rushed to be by her side. Although she wasn't very conscious, she heard the very last words I would ever say to her. The next day, she left me for good. That was the first time she left me to fight my own tears...

Cameo Performance

In the general circle of people I mix with, some girls are easily mistaken as "village bicycle" or similar awful names. I've always stood by my actions being my testimony. Closer friends tease me for being a prude but I know they do respect me for the person I am. Had a chat with Silver today over coffee break, he concluded it's the company some people mix with and not so much their actions. I reckon it's good for me that this bunch of chaps whom I hang around with, bring their wives along and all of them know who I am. I get along with their spouses pretty well and some even more so than the boys themselves. Take for example, Breyton's Urban Legend Wifey is my 24 hours helpline and Silver's "Husband for Rental - Tickets for Sale" wifey is volunteering to be my wedding planner should I ever decide to walk down the aisle, Como's not so girlfriend but don't know what at stage kinda friend, Alcoholic Empress Dowager, has become a close friend of mine through wakeboarding, mahjong lessons and drinking games and she has agreed to be part of the jie mei entourage on my "not so soon and nowhere in the near future" wedding.

Part of the fun with the crazy group...

* Look out for the part BobbyTay pushes away our new member, the young padawan...

All clean fun is definitely possible. Mountains can move but characters don't. He will only help those who help themselves...

The Buildup

I can't believe how blur I am but long of the short, I was stuck in last week's planner and was expecting a call this evening when I already had that chat. On my way home today, I texted Mom to get me dinner as I was preparing for that phonecall. Mom told me over the weekend that she'd in Malaysia and I forgot about it entirely.

I could have taken a day off to sweep some tomb, something I used to do every other year but it seems to me that there are some people who uses this day to "perform" their filial duties and I have made it a point, a reminder to myself, that I shall not be as hypocritical as these people. My conscience can testify that I was there for my Grandma every moment she needed someone by her side when she was still alive. I don't see putting up a show just because you want to prove to the rest of the world that you actually care. If people did care, I wouldn't need to spend the last few years before Grandma passed on, begging that good for nothing son to come home to visit her and to get his even more good for nothing, sickening, utterly useless son to come over to find Grandma for a chat. And during her wake, his son has the cheek to stand outside and not pay his respect and the man himself who called himself my Grandma's son actually shouted at me beside my Grandma's dead body. I have lost the respect I had for the man for over 20 years in that 20 seconds simply because he did not respect the person who meant everything to me. Until today, I can't still can't forget how he made me cry and how I couldn't stop crying for the next hour or so. I can only choose to forgive, no matter how painful it still it.



I have never felt more alone but neither have I felt that I need to be stronger than ever. I suppose that's the survival instinct. At the same time, I'm so afraid that that's a natural mechanism of self protection which eventually might do me more harm than good. Unable to tell anyone anything, my outlet is getting smaller and the funnel is building the pressure in this tajine.

Having a sudden craving for couscous...




如果还有明天
你想怎样装扮你的脸
如果没有明天
怎么说再见
我们都有看不开的时候
总有冷落自己的举动
但是我要把握每次感动
如果还有明天
如果真的还能够有明天
是否能把事情都做完
是否一切也将云消烟散
如果没有明天
要怎么说再见

Old Wounds, New Life

Guess who I ran into on Friday during dinner with Urban Legend Wifey? Munchausen Syndrome! Apparently, he was with another girl, someone I know and someone whom I would have already imagined him to be out with. I didn't quite run into him face to face but he did text me and told me that the girl saw me but they didn't come over to say hi. Even then, he was still telling half truths and didn't quite say he was with her. I wonder why... Very frankly, I am really glad that he was with someone. Only goes to show that he has moved on and time did help his wounds.

Putting things behind me where they belong, the karaoke cum birthday party for A&E Quack was fabulous. The response was overwhelming and even as I say that, it was a total understatement. There was easily 30 people in a room catered for 15 and with some who came and went, we definitely had more than 40 people gracing the event. As usual, there was an overload of alcohol. There were easily 20 jugs of beer, a bottle of the Sar Lau drink and er... Too much for my puny brains.

Managed to catch "Semi-Pro" with Ex-Sir's Sir yesterday and Will Ferrell is simply hilarious. I must say it's not one of his best but definitely worth catching it. One of my favourite Will Ferrell's clip as George Bush.



After the movie, we head over to Foreman's place for mahjong. During the six years when I vanished from the face of this planet, loads happened and only till these one year or so that I realised what I've missed out on. I don't know if it's too late to catch up since most of them are married and some are even done and over with marriage. But we spent so much bonding time when we were in school, nothing can quite take it away from us.

Today was all for myself and on my own. I caught up on sleep but somehow, I actually find it tough to sleep past 8 hours. Chatted with Mom & Dad over lunch and checking out if there are new problems waiting for me to solve. Quite obviously, there are loads of them and may be more than I can handle. As the responsible child I have always wanted to grow up to be, I have consciously put these problems in my head and I've already started to plan on how to solve them. I may not be a perfect child but I have only 1 set of Mom and Dad and I'd like to keep them happy even though they drive me nuts at times.

Went for the last service and for 2 weeks in a row, I got my spot in the auditorium. I'm so loved. Just some food for thought - We will always be better, many times better than our last job, our last relationship, etc, just like how God made us much better than the man before Adam sinned. If He is not the one to put us through tests and trials, who actually does? I know for sure I will not be put through those trials because I have asked for it not to happen on me.

Don't fall asleep yet. I know this is not the most interesting of all things but these are things that impact me on a daily basis and I want this to be someone else's inlet as much as I see this as my outlet. And while I share, I know I have the capacity to take in more... So, just receive! Ta da!!!

Way Back Into Love

Happy Birthday, A&E Quack! Hope you have a great day. Birthdays are meant to be the happiest day because it's all about you. At least for me, my birthday this year was the most memorable day in my life. You're so gonna get trashed tonight buddy.

"Music & Lyrics" is one of my all time favourite movies apart from the fact that Hugh Grant is absolutely gorgeous, the story line was attractive in its own right. The songs were funny and unbelievably witty. The retro sounding "Pop Goes My Heart" reminds us of the Rick Astley times. The lyrics of the other songs like Way Back into Love and Don't Write Me Off started to leave a more impressionable mark than before. They were very sing-along but at least to me at this point in time, it carries a more significant meaning behind it.



I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's gotta be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end



All I'm asking is, don't write me off just yet...

I miss the smile, the tight hugs and the mid-afternoon calls that makes the day. Am I just another forgotten child and life totally forgot to consider me for love. For once I thought I've found someone, someone whom I can live my life with and see myself having a family with. Please don't take this all away from me...

Hold me tight...

"Me"serable

The running around for the past few days has almost turned me into shreds. The little one is much better. An important part of my life has taken a positive turn after spending hours and hours of self-analysing & communicating. How can I actually sound more cryptic? *Frustration

A nightmare last night got me awaken in the middle of the night. It was too dark to figure from pillow stains if I cried but the corner of my eyes were wet. I could feel my body breathing so hard and sobbing because I saw something I'd rather die than to see in that dream. I couldn't sleep anymore after that and the result was sore and puffy eyes this morning.

My limbs were weak and I was mentally exhausted. Dragging myself to put everything I have got left back to work and building that pipeline of mine, I was left with an empty shell without a soul after the lunch meeting. All I wanted was to find a corner where no one can see me and burst out into tears. If you know me, this is not something I will or can do. It's much easier to do that when the lights are out, before the delayed bedtime sits in.

Thinking that having some champagne would be a great way to end a depressing week, totally thrown out of my mind was some painkillers taken about an hour before. And given my current state of mind, I wasn't watching how much I was drinking. And being a cheap drinker, that 2 glasses within 10 mins was enough to kill me.

To my surprise (which I later found out to be just an illusion), I was just a little pinkish but was perfectly fine. On my way back, I couldn't get a cab in the insane storm so as a good girl (obviously!), I took the train home. I was one of the sardines packed in the train cabin with barely enough space to move my toes. Oxygen was either running out or that the alcohol was slowly getting into my system. I started to lose consciousness. I lost my sense of hearing soon after my sight started to fail. I got out the very next stop at Eunos. With the chilled wind blowing in my face I felt better but not well enough until I threw everything out. A really bitter bit got stuck in my throat and only then did I remember that I actually took some painkillers a couple of hours back. With barely enough energy to pick up my phone, I rang Mom and Dad. They came to pick me up immediately and I managed to holding and managed to not puke along the way. Finally threw up the last bit when I got home and only then did I feel better.

Terrible things don't come singularly. I'm blogging with 2 pieces of jumpers around me and I think I'm running a temperature. My tummy's churning and I feel like this is living hell. My nose is starting to run... Poooooooo!

Home Is a House Except It's Filled With Love

Been spending these few days sorting out myself. Too many variables leading to too much confusions. Prayers lead to tears and tears are never meant to see daylight. Life's directions seem to be the easier option here. Longing for the patience and the strength made much easier by having a beautiful image but tears seem to blur the vision and the source of light just gets darker as the struggle continues.

By this point in time, Fatshark Guru must be hoping to strangle me for sounding too cryptic yet again.

This blog is an outlet for a sad and tired soul not longing for understanding. To be heard is a luxury. The "one happiness" seems like yet another impossibility.

I'm looking for love this time
Sounding hopeful but it's making me cry



Call it mystery or anything
Oh just as long as you call me
I sent the message on did you get it when I left it
Said well this catastrophic event
It wasn't meant to mean no harm
But to think there's nothing wrong is a problem

I'm looking for love this time
Sounding hopeful but it's making me cry (Trying not to ask why)
This love is a mystery
Mr. Curious...

Come back to me
I'm a Mr waiting on and never patient can't you see
That I'm the same the way you left me
In a hurry to spell check me
And I'm underlined already in envy green
And pencil red

Love is blinding when your timing's never right
But who am I to beg for difference
Finding love in a distant instant
But I don't mind

Take this hand and heal the pain. Bring the soul out of darkness for when the end of the tunnel is nowhere to be seen. The light at the end dims and that's where the tired soul can lean.

I'm looking for love this time
Sounding hopeful but it's making me cry

The only time in life when the illusion it creates tells you that life is going to be just great... The house without the fence. A home.

Life Is An Experiment

Some people just have N.F.I that they think too highly of themselves! *huff

Soon I may have to make a decision that might affect my life for the next couple of years so I'm taking every single step very cautiously and being the "kiasee" me, I'm not quite prepared to put myself in a high risk position. Remember I mentioned contentment sometime ago? I think I'm more contented than ambitious but most people see me as a fighter, an ambitious surviver. On another hand, there have been times I know I can do much more and I want to do that much more. I suppose the first step to everything is to know what I really want.

When I clicked on my Fortune Cookie app in Facebook, it read "life is an experiment". Don't we all tend to hold back too much and refuse to move forward but does that mean that we're in comfort zone. What is comfort? Do we only move onto the next ship when we have reached a stage whereby the pull factor is too strong to resist, given that there's no push factor. If so, the world should have alot lesser movements than what I'm experiencing on a day in day out basis. During the last sermon, I was told that babies are born with only 2 types of fears - fear of being dropped and fear of loud noises. So where do we pick up this inertia from? Our peers from the more liberal countries, don't they just pluck themselves up easily and move on to a possibly better place? Am I ready?

Spent the entire late afternoon smashing carrots only to find out that it doesn't relieve pain from a sore little mouth. All I could do was pray and now I truly understand how some people can wish that they could take away that pain from their young ones by offering to bear the pain if they are able to. It is painful but I guess it's part of growing up and I guess it's the part & parcel process of learning the various types of pains in life in order to survive greater hurt.

Just like everything else in life, we have to learn to recover no matter how painful the wound can get. When the wounds get repeatedly torn open, we get used to the pain but eventually, the wounds will still heal themselves (provided you're not diabetic). At the end of the day, you will just get a scar. Whether the scar is pleasant or not, we will just have to alter our perception. Can one be emotionally diabetic?

你的天空
可有悬著想的云
你的天空
可会有冷的月
放逐在世界的另一边
任寂寞占据
一夜一夜
天空
藏著深深的思念

Not So Little You & I Anymore

It was that after lunch drive. I can still picture the face, the smile, the voice. Dreams were beautiful, hopes remains. Dreams are still dreams. Bright lights turned to night...


Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
Another day we'll sing about the magic that was you and me

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
Others only dream of the love, the love that I love.

See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just freaking up
And if you could see me now

You and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore
And with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving is the glory of a boy

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just freaking up
And if you could see me now
Well I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of
Finally deedeedeedee
Well I'm almost finally, finally
Well I'm free, oh, I'm free

And it's okay if you have go away
Oh just remember the telephone works both ways
And if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang

Cause you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I'm almost finally out of.
I'm finally out of, finally, deedeeededede
well I'm almost finally, finally, finally out of words.

Maybe houses are meant to have fences...

Snugloft Clones Needed

There has just been a tsunami of work flowing in and it's driving me nuts. But I'm actually quite happy that things are starting to pick up and people are actually starting to hire! I'm going in to have a chat on some possibilities for myself tonight but still rather skeptical. When people start to pee and be very territorial even before you step into their grounds, you just have to imagine yourself walking on a minefield threading every step you take. Before I get drowned under all the calls and work...

For once, I feel that I need to split myself up into many Snuglofts. My favourite little girlie has got HFMD and has been crying for me. (Honestly, I was really touched and happy to hear that although it's painful to know that she's suffering...) The last time I saw her was months ago and I couldn't believe my own ears when I received the phonecall that she wants me. I was hoping to take the day off to take care of her since her parents aren't in Singapore at the moment but I'm so tied up at work and to take annual leave below 48 hours of notice would be really tough. I think I would just have to rearrange my meetings and spend some time with her after work. I am so gonna faint from exhaustion by tonight. I'm slightly insomniac and it's so silly how my system refuse to sleep and just an hour before my alarm was planned to go off, I would just doze off. Just thinking of the sores in the mouth of the little one really pains me. To think that I chose my job so that I can have more flexibility in future with my kids... Pah!

Back to work! Hopefully I could sneak off to sayang her later...

像普通舊朋友 還是你依然會心疼我

The clip above is essentially a competition between 2 budding singers. Somehow, both songs struck some chords in me. 世界唯一的你 kept me going for 1 tough week and 聽你、聽我 kept me through my Grandma's passing. Both sets of lyrics seem to go hand in hand about how I feel now. When I saw her face lying there 1.5 years back, I had to hold back my tears to be strong for everyone. Behind the scenes, I could only cry to myself. And when caught red-handed by Dad for crying, I was told to stop.

你沈沈的睡著
我靜靜 看著你的容貌
聽你的呼吸 聽你的心跳
忽然很想告訴你
謝謝你過去帶給我的美好

I guess your departure is why I'm so afraid to face the world myself and why I try to be someone I'm not. Or rather, I try to hold on to the weight of the world I thought I could bear. Little do I know that my insignificant body could only take on the world because you were my refuge. Are you happy where you are because that is what I believe to be prime importance to me? Or am I selfishly nursing my own wounds and only using your absence as an excuse? Maybe I just need to hide... Somewhere... Anywhere...

你是我的寶
我一直為你感動驕傲
即使夢想再累再煎熬
你仍然緊緊抓牢
真心的執著絕不放掉

As positive as I try to portray, there was no way I could swim to shore almost so immediately. Refusing to admit that I'm only human, I could only hope the sunshine brings me back to reality, where I actually belong. What have I done to put myself in the most vulnerable position to be affected by just one person? Even when I had to be tough for the world, I have never been so taken away from myself. Somehow, I do think this actually helps me see things alot clearer and be there for myself. Only I can bring myself find myself and re-emerge as a better person.

恨我来不及参于你的过去
抱歉让你等待
我愿意付出一切交换
我灵魂的另一半
这个世界唯一的你
是我拥有的奇迹
对我说的一字一句
都是我们的秘密
紧紧拥抱唯一的你
无可救药的坚定
就是世界与我为敌
我也愿意
我什么都愿意

The simplest of all happiness in life is actually the most unattainable. Contentment is something that we fight to achieve everyday and yet the benchmark never seem to move any closer. Thankfully, I came to realisation since way ahead of time and I always valued my ability to be contented. But when you are surrounded by discontented people, can we truly be contented? Then again, I haven't quite been to the destination where I can say that's final contentment so maybe we are always in search of that something that we may never have.

我并不是天生爱寂寞
却比任何人都多

Do I tend to think too much for me to figure what may seem excessive to most? 我要快乐 Is it so difficult for us to have that simple happiness in life?

At least I survived a 20 odd hours flight some months ago because I believed in having that simple happiness.

只要看你一眼一瞬间
哪怕是最后画面
我的世界
因为爱过而完美
谁都不该离太远

Now, I have to starting breathing and start walking...

如果你也聽說 有沒有想過我 像普通舊朋友
還是你依然會心疼我
好多好多的話想對你說
尋找一顆心沒著落
要怎麼負荷 捨不得 又無可奈何

Let There Be Light

Initially I thought I'd be upset but strangely enough, I found a brand new piece of mind. I always believe that everything happens for a reason. Throughout this entire ordeal, I have learn to trust in my faith and let things happen the way it's planned out for me. Some may say I'm stupid or silly, on the contrary, I have stood up for what I believe in and how I want the direction I want my life to be. It is such a relief to find that I'm happy with the way my life is no matter what stumbles me along the way. Only when I can love myself, will I be able to allow myself to be loved.

Was just off the line with Alcoholic Empress Dowager. To my surprise (well, not really to be honest), everyone has their story to tell. Each and every one of us has a dark part of our past we might either want to shake it off or live with it. I just choose to live with mine and reconcile within myself that I will eventually be in a better position at the end of the day. Everything that happens in life has taught me a valuable lesson that follows me as I age. Life is very much how we want it to be and the only thing that's going to change how we feel would ultimately be our very own perception. There's a bright side to everything and there's always something good in store. Just like I have flaky skin right now but come next week, I know I will look better than before. It's a choice I took and I will have to live with it - The good and the bad.

Life is unpredictable. We as human beings try too hard to anticipate what come may. At times, it may just be the best idea we learn to let it go. By doing so, our hands are free to receive even more beautiful things waiting to happen. We shouldn't just pray for things to happen. Instead, we should learn to take things in stride and be very patient. Take for example, while we are waiting for a bus that takes forever to arrive, instead of praying that the bus comes right this very moment, we have learn to be able to wait for it to come. It should be understood that the world doesn't revolve around us and things should just happen with a click of the fingers. If that's the case, David Copperfield wouldn't be half the man he is today. When we understand that everything in life happens for a reason and meanwhile, leading the kind of life that would bring a smile on our faces, we wouldn't feel so painful as to wait for things to materialise.

Things are almost never how it seems. Being too narrow minded and short sighted would just very well kill our perceptive mind. "Let there be light" - Holds far more layers than God turning on his power switch. If you let it be, it will happen. Whether the end result is what you expect is another matter all together because all things happen for a greater reason that we should not try too hard to decipher but be ready to receive at all times. Create the space to receive and it will come to you. I'm just telling myself to stop grabbing and keep those hands open. I feel loved.

Knackered

Since my first day of work, I've never been like a salesman running round town, almost like a mad dog. And weirdly, all my clients have to suggest this one eventful day. Now, I'm beat! That only means that if I'm not going back to office over this weekend, I will probably have a crazy week ahead trying to tie loose ends. I used to think that by keeping myself busy will help take my mind of things but during the past week, I found out that if some things is that much of a bug, no matter what you're doing, it will haunt you!

A funny anecdote today. - I was in the cab on my way to SGX Centre 2. The cabby replied, block 2?" Well I thought given the local cabbies' pidgin English, probably right. As he drove down Tanjong Pagar and when I saw Cantonment Police HQ, I knew something was wrong. The building that I was heading is getting further from me... Then it hit me... He was driving me to SGH Block 2! Puh leese... I was too tired to argue with him and I started texting Urban Legend Wifey to tell her of yet another misadventure of the day. I can't tell you how grateful I am that she's not sick of my excessive smses yet.

For a few weeks from now, I'll be eating, sleeping and breathing P&I Clubs. Hopefully by the end of the day, it wouldn't be wasted research.

Too tired... Starting to peel... Ewww... Time for bed... Waking up in a few hours to send Prince back to Lampung... Feel like having my Horlicks Ice Cream with Gummi Bears and Shortbread... Incoherent... Zzzzz...

Get It Be...

Parking Wars on Facebook is just driving all of us nuts. Urban Legend Wifey is home all day reparking cars to get an extra badge and I tried so hard to keep my eyes open last night to get mine. Unfortunately, I couldn't take it any longer and slept like a baby, catching up on 40 thousand wink I lost for the past week. And because the notebook was on my bed, I accidentally kicked it during my sleep and it landed on the floor with the frame for the screen cracked open as though it's laughing in my face for playing too much Parking Wars. We have so become Parking Whores!

This blog is to make up for tomorrow since I'll be going for my peel and would be away from the office during the second half of the day. Strangely enough, all my clients have scheduled to see me on Friday which I've tried so hard to avoid since I'd be looking like a over cooked lobster and I can't afford to put on make up to conceal it. I have to forewarn them tomorrow that I'd been attending the meetings on Friday looking hilarious so they have to try really hard to stop themselves from laughing. Since Day 01 since I started work, I have never had to have 4 client meetings in one day and this Friday is going to be the first. And I'm going to look like a wreck. God, save me!

Potluck over at Urban Legend Wifey's place was fun as usual. Lampung Prince saw that I was very down and offered to give me one of his shy empty hug and I really appreciate that gesture. It's going to be so quiet after he leaves us this Saturday but not to worry, befre we know it, he'll be back. So much for wanting to pick up the ropes from his Dad, he'll only be only for stints of 2 months and he'll be back. What a bum!

Was telling Mrs Silver the Tan Yoong gown I saw on the website and her immediate "wedding planner" instincts just rang and told me she'll bring me to his shop one day. At the back of my mind I was thinking, "oh no please don't create more dreams and hopes that's beyong reach" but at the very same time, it's every girl's dream of looking like a princess. Maybe I can make up for the loss of the Oscar De La Renta dress I didn't buy in New York but getting something nice when my paycheck allows that to happen but I'm sure it's anything but for that special day. My rational side sat in pretty fast when Urban Legend Wifey told me she might be heading to Paris in May and immediately, the light bulb on top of my head lit up, I want my Louis Vuitton minus tax (haha!). Let's just forget about the dress and concentrate on the bags, every woman's weakness. My patent white Kate Spade is still sitting in Raffles City waiting for me...

In April, I'm going for a 9 days holiday! I can't wait, anxiously rubbing my hands together. My USD are waiting readily in my treasure chest and my bags aren't quite that packed but I'm ready to go. To dump all the unhappiness right here and go out there to loosen some tight shoulder muscles which have been taking on the weight of doubts at an absolutely insane level. Whatever will be, will be.

Que sera sera...

Heart "Attack"

Over the past couple of days, for things that is not within my control, I have been telling myself that I would have to stop stressing about it and leave it in better hands to deal with it. Life on the surface may seem alot more peaceful but every now and then, my heart pounds abnormally and my breathing speeds up. Not the way I would like normal life to be. I'm not having heart attack or high blood pressure, I just think too much. Ironically, it's not within my control and on an objective level, I'm still normal. It's high time I have better control over my life and not let the presence or unexplained disappearance of another person upset me. It's about time...

Let's just hope that the Pot Luck Farewell Lampung Prince party tonight can cheer me up a little and take my mind off things.

How should I react?

I just do not feel like talking...

Kiss Me...

It's been days since I last had a good night's sleep. Last night was of no exception. After A&E Quack left my place after a brief photoshoot session with my dog, I went straight to bed. I was constantly waking up and dreams filled up my sleep. I don't quite remember much details because I simply had too much dreams just in one night.

I have blogged this countless times but I can't help it but feel like I need to run back to where Grandma used to live and just enjoy the breeze with her in the backyard. Whenever I feel overloaded, I just want to run to the back of the house and cry. The last time I did that was on Grandma's funeral.

I just wanna tell her wherever she may be...

我爱上让我奋不顾身的一个人
我以为这就是我所追求的世界
然而横冲直撞被误解被骗
是否成人的世界背后总有残缺
我走在每天必须面对的分岔路
我怀念过去单纯美好的小幸福
爱总是让人哭
让人觉得不满足
天空很大却看不清楚
好孤独

As I sit here with my mind totally focused on work, I'm in fact very disoriented when it comes to how I should be feeling. Vulnerable is one word I would never like to use on myself. To see me shed tears is rare and most people probably wouldn't have the chance to experience this sight. People see me as chirpy, gleeful and bubbly but of a sudden, I feel too drained to put on a smile. I just want to sleep without those irritating dreams.

The kiss in the dream was comforting and to be able to see the face that's beyond reach was anything but a nightmare. Nevertheless, it is still a dream. I could stretch and reach... All I could feel is the dull breeze in the air that reminds me of how life is playing a trick on me.

All I wanna do is to go home...

But...

Where's home?

Kiss me out of the bearded barley
Nightly, beside the green, green grass
Swing, swing, swing the spinning step
You wear those shoes and I will wear that dress.

Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift your open hand
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance
Silver moon's sparkling
So kiss me

Kiss me down by the broken tree house
Swing me upon its hanging tire
Bring, bring, bring your flowered hat
We'll take the trail marked on your father's map

Politically Correct

It was utterly astonishing when I heard this story last night. Keep your eyes open for what you are about to read for the next 5 mins.

To protect the innocent, let's just say I heard this over the grapevine. The purpose is not to implicate anyone and I'm not in politics. It's like a coffeeshop story that I've heard and voicing my opinion on it.

There's no more subtle way to put it but this is regarding a tripartite alliance around us.

Most of us are aware that welfare is not the most common thing in Singapore. This is essentially a double edge sword. To have excessive welfare breeds lazy citizens and unhappy taxpayers but the lack of it create unhappiness with the public and more often than not, there are always groups of people not being well taken care of regardless of how much the tax payers are being "punished" for. Hence, "ambassadors" of the government gladly do certain things to keep some of the voters happy and satisfied. This story is about "welfare" I deem as unfair and potentially breeds a can of worms this "ambassador" opened.

If you have got $5 in your pocket that you intend to give it to someone who really needs it, would you give it to:

a. A 7 year old child who is attending school but is unable to buy lunch. You will not get the $5 back but will probably leave a significant mark in this child's life and que sera sera from there.

b. An elderly woman who needs calcium but is too poor to buy milk powder. She will not be able to return that $5 but it keeps her alive and healthy for a while more. That smile in itself, I must say it's priceless.

c. A young graduate with proper qualifications but not working at the moment. You will get this money back someday, be it in a whole sum or installment plans.

Who would you give the money to?

To me, the choice is clear. Choices a and b are contributive in nature. The 3rd one breeds the laziness you would not want in this society which was the very reason why we do not have an extensive welfare system in the first place. If you were to give money to him, you will just create more of these examples and once the flood gates are opened, it will be just too tough to close it back up. Singapore grew on this basis of very conservative plans and giving back to you the so called freedom and such bit by bit. This is just outrageously careless of the "ambassador". And if you haven't got it by now, the "ambassador" chose to provide this unemployed young chap with money.

Haven't we all learn to teach a man to fish since we were young? We should be helping them help themselves and not be feeding these lazy pigs. Pardon the language but I can't find a better word to describe these people. Feel free to blame it on my language inability and right now, I do not wish to dwell into our meritocracy system which led to what I had gone through during my schooling days.

You are the taxpayer and ultimately, you have the voting rights. Decide what you want to do because with that vote in your hands, there's alot you can do. Very truthfully, I am myself a supporter of the incumbent because I know I'm blessed just to be right here and be able to walk on the streets safely. There are parts of the system that I'm unhappy with but on a general level, I'm contented and will be happy to bring up my kids in this environment. Despite so, these "ambassadors" should think before they do things which may appear to be trying too hard to please one person or a group of people and for that matter of fact, they should think of the consequences in long term and the awful can of worms that they may have unknowingly opened. I want to be able to help everyone but there are different ways to help these people and on top of which, this is not a perfect world so don't attempt to solve everyone's problem there and there. Think: Consequences.

Breathe In... Breathe Out...

It is almost a miracle what I heard today. It's unbelievable how comfortable I feel right now - Totally at peace.

Fact is temporal but truth is eternal.

Tomorrow will be better!

疯了

Was with A&E Quack in his car one day and he played this song by OneRepublic for me...

Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and
Your best look
You're praying that you make it

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Better than you had it
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Yeah, better than you had it (Better than you had it)

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Whenever the end is
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it
Just say it

Maybe I just need a place to rest my head.

Got an email from Comedy Boss a few days back when my mind was wavering between some decisions. For most people, they would be happy to receive such an email. I must say it was below my expectations and given that something possibly brighter awaits me, I wasn't thrilled. Having said so, I have my reservations and given my conservative nature in terms of my work and my progression, I will have to put much more thought into this whole thing and not make a rash decision. There are pros and cons. Basically, I do not like changes. In certain circumstances, if the pull is too tempting, I have no choice but to consider other options. In the short run, I will be able to have a better lifestyle. While contemplating if that will emerge into a long run benefit, I have my doubts. The world is cruel and I will have to learn it the hard way. In some ways, I'm rather sheltered from the extreme evils of this world but yet, I know I will need to put in crazy efforts no matter where I'll end up. The glass ceiling that I'm feeling is likely the reason why I'm looking for change. There are times that it may seem that complacency has taken hold of the better of me. In actual fact, I'm just thinking if I should continue to be a warrior in a familiar environment or be a ruthless warrior in an entirely new territory. Of course with risk, the benefit is there to be reaped. Well, guess I will know very soon as to how attractive the pull will be. Right now, I'll stay being a "career prude".

The Night Drive on Thursday and Kulai Carbon Clearing Drive + Dinner did take my mind off some things. Like how some of my friends may have noticed, my usually faulty mute button was working perfectly fine and I wasn't quite myself. I want to be able to let go and enjoy myself but it's tough. With Urban Legend Wifey's help in her major plan to keep my mind occupied, we're going to have another PotLuck + Wii session coming Wednesday and although it's a work day on Thursday, everyone seemed to entertain the idea and is giving me a good opportunity to wind down. Drinks tonight to welcome Summer back will probably help me let my not so long hair down and go mad. And come tomorrow, I'll be a good girl and I'll be attending for my first Easter service in about 2 years. I still can recall when I was in Senior Sunday School, we used to spend Friday night in church after after dark service and choir practice with Lazarus Unwound would be the highlight for the weekend. Watching stars on the rooftop and waking up without a voice are just common for such a weekend. By Sunday, we will usually be flat out but somehow, we can always find more energy to play games after Easter service. Come to think of it, that was about 10 years back. Goodness, how time has just flew past without us realising.

我想我疯了
不开灯我不要开灯
我身边容不下别的人
不锁门我不要锁门
你回来是一种可能
我那么的认真
去思考你对我的认真
或许是多么伤害人
而结论始终是疑问
我爱疯了
我疯到自己痛也不晓得
放弃了保护自己的责任
放弃了抵抗脆弱的天份

To end this note in the weirdest way ever, I'm feeling really glad for Taiwan's economy because Ma Ying Jou has just won the elections!!!

So Long? So Long...

Happy Birthday.

I can't bring myself to say anything anymore. I'm just too tired. Enjoy your holiday.

对爱的信仰是一辈子信仰

I drafted an email yesterday. I sent it. The unease did not end after I clicked on "Send". Deep down inside me, I'm hoping that you didn't lie and everything is going to be fine. I'm told some things men do can't be trusted. I tell my friends the exact same thing. But I'm unable to bring myself out of the picture. The song that kept me with anticipation on my flight back from New York is now ringing in my head together with the phone ringing and not getting picked up. I do not like this. Worry may be my friend but right now, it's driving me nuts. All I wanted was plain honesty.

How could one leave so much doubts yet hope that everything will be fine?

If there's so much to hide, why bother walking further?

我可以为你挡死你说要不要
胸口烫的伤我一人都来扛
没什么我不敢
别说我不敢
可以为你挡死你知不知道
对爱的信仰是一辈子信仰
不会间断
算牵不到你的手我也无憾
就让我祝福你一切无恙
只要让我祝福你一切无恙

Sore Thumb

你还记得吗记忆的炎夏
散落在风中的已蒸发
喧哗的都已沙哑

没结果的花未完成的牵挂
我们学会许多说法
来掩饰不碰的伤疤

因为我会想起你
我害怕面对自己
我的意志总被寂寞吞食

因为你总会提醒
过去总不会过去
有种真爱不是我的

假如我不曾爱你
我不会失去自己
想念的刺钉住我的位置

因为你总会提醒
尽管我得到世界
有些幸福不是我的

你还记得吗记忆的炎夏
我终于没选择的分岔
最后又有谁到达

You don't have to blink 2000 times and yes it's in the wee hours and I'm having trouble sleeping. It used to be common in my MapleStory days that I'm still awake at this hour but I know tomorrow is just going to be a killer for me and I'll be a zombie during the night drive. I can't help me. On the way to dinner last night, Lampung Prince drove past The Trumps along Kembangan and I remarked how I think it's a beautiful place. He disagreed and said it stuck out like a sore thumb among the surrounding architecture. I replied "maybe it's just like me, sticking out like a sore thumb, but I like..."

With a tear running down face without even trying, the silence and cold breeze in this early morning seems to carry a tinge of melancholiness in it. I need to breathe...

There weren't any rhyme or reason that you're going but you are. You won't be gone but I wish I knew why you are going. It seems like you're going so far away and it's barely the distance that created such a feeling. It's the willingness to share or lack thereof. I'm left out and am sticking out like a sore thumb, trying to figure how how long can this sore thumb last.

Why do people shy away from sore thumbs and are you running away from it?

I still don't have the reason
And you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a fuck about you

Why Does Every Moment Have To Be So Hard?

I'm disillusioned. What is happening to my life and why am I allowing myself to feel upset at all? I thought all I need was my horlicks ice cream with gummi bears and short bread but I didn't actually enjoyed it. It tasted bland and all I wanted to do is to go home and hide under my blanket, the refuge I go to cocooning myself further into self protection auto mechanism. My limbs are sticky from the perspiration and still cold from the anger. My snuffles sends me into fits of breathlessness but I am not crying. I'm not allowing myself to do so. All I want is to see my Grandma and be her little girl again. I just want to kick my legs and demand to have things done my way only to realise, I am not going to get things my way and life is such. I should have learnt this myself. I feel like I'm the silliest person in the world, doing all the craziest things that people don't see and don't care. Everyone just walks in and out of my life and I'm so totally dispensable. Although my advice to most people is that no one is indispensable in this world but this just feels wrong. My presence seems to be in excess of what this world needs and wants. Who would even realise if I disappear one day? I just want to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


但愿天空
不再挂满湿的泪
但愿天空
不再涂上灰的脸

Kate Spader

Last night was a night of girly catching up with Attituder. Our topics went from work to family to men to hopes & dreams to in-laws to parents... It felt fabulous. Dinner was at this Marche like Japanese joint over at Raffles' City and we ran into Hong Kong actress but currently based in Singapore, Suet Kar Yin (Hao Yi). Hao Yi was pretty much from my Mom's days and hit to stardom for the second time, after her failed marriage, in Kindred Spirit, a Hong Kong TV serial that went on for years. It wasn't the aura or glamour that caught our eye but she looked very much like our common friend, Jewell with that "watermelon head" retro hairstyle. We could help but took several glances adn she must be thinking that we're starstruck high school girls. We did behave like one except that we were shopping like tai-tais. Or rather, window shopping.

Before dinner, we got stuck at Kate Spade in Raffles City for the longest time ever. She was attracted to a signature green diaper bag and my eyes and hands were glued on a all white reflective patent stevie bag. If there's anything on my wishlist now, it's that particular bag. Over dinner, both of us just stared blankly into space and I knew she was thinking of her bright green bag and my mind was fixated on the white beauty I was minutes ago. We just looked at each other and laughed realising how girly we both are.


Absolutely beautiful in patent white.

Anyway, a bomb just dropped on me and my hands are freezing cold. I can barely type...

Uneventful, Unexciting and Unfulfilled Monday

Woke up early this morning because I managed to get to bed early last night. Wobbled my way into the office, had my breakfast and prepared for the meeting that I've been waiting for the entire week to happen. Took a cab down to SGX and found my way up and stood outside the door waiting for someone to walk past. I called the extension several times and all I got to was a mailbox that's full so I couldn't quite get the person I was supposed to meet. After 10 minutes, some kind soul walked past and asked if I needed Assistance. But of course! She then went in to locate the person whom I was supposed to meet but came back with another person. This second person then made em wait for another 10 minutes before coming back with an apology and told me that my client is on medical leave and would not be coming in today. I would think she has the courtesy to call me since she has got my mobile number but apparently, it must have slipped her mind. To be absolutely honest, I can't be really angry as for one, she's a client and two, it's Monday so medical leave's like the most common thing and people do conveniently forget that they have meetings. It was a break for me to get out of the office but towards the end of the quarter, I really want to spend more time in the office doing what I should and hope to meet the numbers.

Lunch in Raffles Place is such a bothersome affair. I'm actively recruiting for lunch buddies working in this area! In order to skip the insane crowd, preferred lunch hour is actually after 2pm but by then, I would have died of hunger. To walk into Chevron House with music blasting isn't exactly the best wind down from the stressful office environment. Most importantly, I hate queues well then again, who doesn't. It's almost 2pm and I'm still undecided as to my lunch plans. Bad! Very bad! Time to take a stroll...

Party Animals

New ad will be up tomorrow so please be kind and support my advertisers. Last night was a crazy night out with the bunch of boys. A&E Quack brought a bunch of his doctor friends and the usual party animals. First stop was Lunar @ Clarke Quay. Initially, the discomfort of going into a red plush Cantopop club lingers through out every limb until we finally got more decent music and with the right amount of alcohol, we were soon dancing and singing along to music that ranged from trance to house to retro and of course Cantopop. Everyone was trying to get A&E Quack down so everything from Flaming Lamborghinis to Waterfalls were served. He was almost totally knocked out when we left Lunar for Dragonfly @ St James.

The moment we got into St James, we lost A&E Quack and Urban Legend Wifey was so worried, I actually saw tears. The boys went several rounds to look for him but came back empty handed. After a couple of hours later, one of Milk's friend actually told us that A&E Quack left and told him earlier. We almost strangled Milk's friend.

We left St James for Kallang McDonald's for breakfast in 2 separate cars. Instinctively, I pick Cabdriver's car over Butcher's. At Fort Road exit, Butcher was stopped and eventually, got brought back to Ubi for drunk driving. He will be charged at the end of this month and I hope he'll be fine. Cabdriver lived up to his name and drive the girls back and by the time I went to bed, I actually saw daylight. When I removed my contact lenses, I was doing some mental calculations and was sure that I had them on for around 24 hours. It's been really long since I last partied so hard but I must say, it was fun and I really enjoyed it.

Late Wedding Bells

The wedding feast of a secondary school classmate of mine was held last night which happens to be the 3rd wedding this year among the group. All of them are guys, except for another girlie. One of the guys married another classmate, another is divorced and rest of them are either engaged, married or on honeymoon. Was chatting with Empress Dowager Yappie, discussing if women really fret at our age when left on the shelf. The answer was no. We're all matured, financially independent girls and we don't necessarily need to get tied down by "more troubles". But as the conversation progress, we began to see the emptiness in each other, longing to have someone by our side. Not so much going into a marriage or in most cases with our friends, rushing into it. It's about finding someone who can and will be there for you and to be willing to spend the rest of their lives with you. Some people get themselves in mess after mess and others fret too much to get into anything near an entanglement. I must say that I was really touched by the speech given by the groom last night. We can feel the sincerity and his willingness to take care of the bride all his life and knowing him, if there are no big screw up, we do see them last a lifetime. As we were leaving, I could see the changed man in him, the married man. You could really see it in his eyes, he's ready for bigger things in life. I'm genuinely happy for him.

On a totally separate note though still revolving around the wedding dinner that took place last night, why do people not turn up on time and RSVP ahead. The bride texted everyone at least twice over the past week to remind all her guests. Dinner was meant to commence at 7.30pm but dinner started at 9pm. Don't people have any sense for being on time. Isn't punctuality at these wedding dinners the main issue people talk about time and again? So why aren't Singaporeans bringing out their business and professional side and be on time? It's not as if we don't have any clocks in this country. How can we ever be a first-class nation? Ex-Sir's Sir was telling me about this wedding over the weekend went by military precision. I know the bride and the groom and most importantly, all his "brothers". All officers so what do you expect? but minimum requirement for normal PEASANTS like us will still be ARRIVING ON TIME.

An ideal wedding means different things to everyone. It's tough to keep it small when you have got gigantic, super-extended Chinese family. Most people split them up these days but general feedback is to keep things in one day and get done and over with it. Forewarn the helpers that they probably need 3 days MC to recuperate after your wedding. But on this day, you will know who are your real buddies and the fairweather ones.

It was kinda hilarious when Empress Dowager Yappie reminded me of a possible convey on my special day which wouldn't be anytime in the near future and the likelihood of needing to colour-code them. It was fun being super girlie and have dreams although I was dog tired when I went back last night. Empress Dowager Yappie, drinks tonight?