Ache

Pain is something that can be hidden too easily but to deal with it behind closed doors is another story altogether. Being with friends is one of the many methods and to have one of the those closer to heart just standing away from the crowd with you, without much being said, inhaling hard on those cancer causing oxygen tubes and giving you a gentle BFG hug will simply draw out that residual smile from you. Without putting anyone in a difficult position of having to take sides, bitter smiles was the only way to send messages across. To control the emotions from developing into a flood was hard but necessary. To be wronged with endless misunderstandings was sufficiently painful and exasperating. If it brings the period to the period, then so be it.

As painfully amazing and equally excruciatingly amusing, one can actually switch from totally understanding to unbelievably off. Things within controlled have been changed or refined over the months and years but things not within control are others' perspective. People see and hear what they want to see and hear and no amount of explainations will aid the understanding. The colour test during my first coffee with Urban Legend came back to haunt me on how people choose to see what they want. It's like putting on the blinkers and charging for the next target. The change in direction can be so sudden yet focused.

Open wounds kept getting dug at before the path of recovery can begin. To put all the pain to a close, the mind being the main culprit must start working harder than before. The legs must learn to move before the walking even begins. No matter how one can be stubborn and press on, the responses and environment will set the stage on the sheer possibility. If no explainations can alter perception then leaving it status quo might just be healthier for memories sake.


傻瓜 我们都一样
被爱情伤了又伤
相信这个他不一样
却又再一次受伤
傻瓜 我们都一样
受了伤却不投降
相信付出会有代价
代价只是一句傻瓜

Reverse

The colour of my hair has been deliberately coloured for a change but no one could tell the difference. How sad is that? Anyway, almost everyone commented on my weight loss and they all said the same thing, "I don't remember you being so petite/short." According to Bster, it must be the "presence" in terms of the sheer volume one can put their eyes on. Well of course without those clicking stilettos I used to strut in, I'd look far shorter than I actually am. Then again, I am short and I'm happy that way. I used to feel inferior when I was younger but hey, I can't grow legs just like some people can't grow brains! Ha!

Back to the topic of hair, I was born with pretty brown hair and with the fine strands, they just look lighter naturally. Ironically, I was always spotted for coloured hair in school when it was au naturel.

Eons ago... During the first day of school of the start of every academic year, I'll always get called out to the front during morning assembly without fail because the discipline masters/mistresses would always think that I've coloured my hair over the holidays. Truth is, I really only started colouring my hair only at the age of 18 and everything went haywire after that with colours ranging from totally blond to pink and purple (minus off the experience mentioned below).

So after being called out to be ridiculed and embarrassed in front of the entire school, my parents would inevitably be called in the next day. Whenever my Mom steps into the office offering the first handshake to the principal or discipline master/mistress, they would ask no further. My Mom's hair was lighter than mine and hers probably looked uber natural as compared to mine. So I would always be let off without much hassle.

However, I had this teacher who probably had a stick up his arse, went around "catching" people for coloured hair and insisted that my hair wasn't natural. I told him to ring my Mom up but he refused and wanted my hair to be coloured "SHIT-BLACK" the next day. Geared with less than $20 in my pocket, I marched to the nearest pharmacy to get black dye. The closest I got to black was "Blue-Black". (To BloodRed, Can you remember those days?) I thought it was black so I went home to get my hair dyed. Mom thought it was ridiculous but offered to help me out. It was my virgin experience with hair colouring. I swear I looked horrible and my hair looked like a piece of rock! The very next 2 weeks, I was "bleeding" blue water whenever I showered and soon enough, I had blue hair instead. And the cycle of that teacher chasing me repeats itself. Until a time when my Mom had to call the school and told them enough is enough.

So she had my hair cut short... It was a bad hair year because short hair aren't meant for naturally wavy/curly hair. Ryan Giggs was one of those people who could pull it off, few others did successfully. And I learnt from then that I should never have short hair until straightening iron came to the rescue. Should anyone with my pictures then, you can use it to blackmail me but you know I'll hate you perpetually for that.

说好的幸福呢

Jaded Manhattan Lensbaby sent me a picture today of a beautiful engagement ring his mate presented to his partner. At 2.25 carat, the image was just staring me in the face. I was stumped with awe. The round brilliant cut kept my eyes glued.

Over a general discussion of how much should a man spend on an engagement ring, he googled and concluded that it's at about 3 months of the man's monthly salary. With your regular overheads, that means scrimping and saving for more than 6 months. If we're all talking about a lifetime, that's cheap. Truth is, the irony with the age-old opening wedding march "Nothing's Gonna Change My Love For You" shouts in most people's face sarcastically because everything changes. Everybody's Changing by Keane happens to be the song I've been drowning myself in recent months but no one listens to the same iPod as I do, as if anyone could be bothered.

In my point of view, back to the engagement ring, 3 months of the guy's salary is not unreasonable but do have your priorites and work them accordingly. It's a guide and not a must. But at least 1 full carat would make sense just because it retains value better! On the other end of the spectrum, overdoing and overkilling is not the way to go as well. But for those of you men out there grumbling on the 3 months when you know you can very well afford it, think about a lifetime and the commitment. PLEASE!

Lastly, not to forget that the decision to spend a lifetime together far exceeds that 3 months salary or the brilliant round cut diamond. It all boils down to the promise to one another, to love and to hold. Honour that and be in love for the rest of your lifetime.



怎么了 你累了 说好的幸福呢
我懂了 不说了 爱淡了 梦远了
开心与不开心 一一细数着 你再不舍
那些爱过的感觉 都太深刻 我都还记得
你不等了 说好的幸福呢
我错了 泪干了 放手了 后悔了
只是回忆的音乐盒还旋转着 要怎么停呢

Always Be My Baby

The husky voice of David Cook never fails to capture my attention whenever it's on air. One song in particular that caught my attention and the rendition in my personal opinion, being better than the original performer's. There's this unique sex appeal about this American idol and I can't believe he's younger than me! I know very well I'm not young but these new singers are just repeatedly making us feel like time flew past us before we could even reach out for it. There are dreams we are want to grab but procrastination always ended up being the legendary thief of time. Dreams built and lost and once we flip to the next page, we always think of a new piece of drawing canvas and before we know it, the book is filled. Was talking to Jaded Manhattan Lensbaby and it seems like we're always back to the initial drawing block wondering the next block of crayon and how we want to pen the first stroke. Be it really vibrant colours or impossibly dull tones, we need to draw something. Reluctant as we may be, the empty pages need to be filled up or before you know it, the page gets tattered and you have no choice but to flip it.

Back to David Cook, with that chiselled face, he's the type of guy who would be your eye candy back in school encouraging you to wake up earlier the next day and attending school looking your Sunday best. He's also the type whom you'll never talk to and if he takes the initiative, you'd just stare and drool away. Incredibly handsome is definitely not the right description but probably really manly and possibly responsible. You know if he falls crazily in love with you, he'll give up his rising stardom to hide in Southern France with you. I have to admit, that's some insanity and a little alcohol talking. His voice does makes me happy and that's all that matters isn't it? Girls expect too much some times.



Urban Legend says this sounds like a stalker song... The song does begin to sound like one to me... Gosh! Must be Mariah Carey... She co-wrote this!

Will someone come sweep me off my feet and whisk me off to a small abandoned town away from this crazy place?

開始懂了

Thinking I've finally figure iPhoto, I couldn't be more wrong. They are all in funny format and I can't pass them on. Pictures of my little boyfriend, Bababooboo Junior, are still hot from the oven but even after figuring out saving it in alternative formats (or have I? Hmmmm...), stupid blogspot has got software issues hence, not knowing how to HTML the crap, I could only give you the basic until the functions are up. Kids grow up so darn fast and every single time I see him, he looks different. From looking like Mommy from birth, he now looks like Daddy. Having the need to jump all the time, the adults arms were all tired from being his bungee support. Being sleep deprived definitely doesn't help. Life is so simple for them and a total envy of many of us adults. A smile gets tricked out of him easier than performing a complex magic trick. My "Boo!" trick seems to work well with Breyton Junior and Bababooboo Junior so I guess it's sufficient to conclude that my trick is simple but efficiently steals smiles, laughter and giggles from babies.

Looking at the way Bababooboo Junior jumps, makes one wonder the courage of adults diminishing down the years. Based on the pedagogy thingy I learnt during my course last week, adults are more logical and systematic. As such, they have lost the bit of courage to go further or do more. The box slowly builds and thinking out of the box becomes a brand new concept here to stay. Human beings learnt to calculate and trust their environment a little bit more after each fall. With enough trust, we take it for granted that the floor will not sink when we walk on it and the buildings will not collapse when we enter it. But what actually causes the death in people in falling or failing buildings, is when we trust it to hold us well too much and when disaster befalls us while watching the rising of death tolls, we grieve in solemn lost of trust. The ability to trust a building that has once fallen is gone with the wind as well. There's a reason why World Trade Centre in New York City never got rebuilt besides leaving ground zero for tourists. Then again, that doesn't stop us from entering the other buildings because are we left with no choice or do we forget pain too easily? Given the current world population and economic activities, it is almost impossible to house everyone on flat ground. Having said that, we've all heard of ground sinking destructions too. Am I not making sense? I guess some sleep is due...

Lastly, an internal debate which I'd leave it out for all to have a good think about it - Is trust a regenerating trait?

Go

Indifference

If the indifference in a person’s look can kill, many of us would have died too many times. The hype from a person may not be from the last can of carbonated drink but it may root from fear or discomfort and more often, an unsetting combination of both. The inability to tell a close one from a stranger is disconcerting. For one moment, your confidante becomes foreign… Almost as foreign as a new language in the piece of land thousands of miles away. The daily weather is almost as uncertain as the changing seasons. To light up on a day of overcast has proved tough. Smiles are contagious but rare. Like the stock market in this financial climate, the sunlight just keeps dimming day after day. The initial hype of anticipation died faster than one can count from 1 to 10. Even cold blooded animals know it’s time to bask in the sun when it’s out. The sun will not always shine, the heat will not always be available. Must we wait for the sun to go down before we wait in insufficient patience for it to reappear hours later?

Are we all too used to “maybe” answer then look back in regret full of “what ifs”. Going full on 100% in all things in life doesn’t always herald good news. Caring too much in the process and results will only lead to the usual equation of expectations versus disappointments. To ignore all emotions either puts you on the altar of “thou shalt have no feelings” or puts you on the path of painless journeys. This statement is flawed and I know it but devoid of finding a better explanation, maybe and yes, maybe deluding oneself is a way of doing things to ease it all off. Easier said than done, I know and I cannot disagree.

Buying time is neither the deal nor the option that one would prefer. However, if that’s the less of all evils, then the deal is on. What amounts to evil then? Does lesser pain means lesser of the evils but what if… The same ol’ exclamation of what ifs… Maybe… Whoever can guarantee or measure the amount of pain inflicted and whoever else would be able to understand?

If one can toast the pain off with a night of endless blabbering, life would be much easier. The drips and drapes that are left of the memorable cold is the unforgettable voice and the sheer warms of the hands. If loud music and more intoxication can help, it would be more welcomed. Maybe… Well maybe…

If the presence makes a difference, one can only pray that all will be sweet much like how we would love our stay on this world to be and be remembered just the way we want it to be and in some cases, the quieter the departure the better. Besides, not all funerals are fired up by drums and cymbals. Should the last moments be able to determine much, the look from the eyes of the senders would lay down what needs to be done after flames turn all warmth and blood to dust.

After having done all the necessaries within all possible humanly powers in pursuit of happyness, can “rest in peace” be appropriate? Maybe… Maybe not…

If this post is too cryptic, that was intended. With fears of being put out in the open to be a target for new wounds, the choice between an outlet and excess exposure is being compromised a little away from each direction. Without losing the piece of self, the journey continues.

Painting The Bank Account Red

The trip is coming to an end. Massive shopping was done and I painted both the town and my bank account red. If it means I need to drink soya sauce for breakfast, lunch and dinner when I get back, I'd have to brace for a new kidney. Shopping ain't exactly cheap but the variety is awesome. Bargaining is totally foreign to me and it makes me feel totally useless. Going around taking pictures without my face inside seems a little like postcard photography and after a few shots, you shouldn't be amazed that I gave up on that idea altogether. Instead of having giant faces, I chose to save some battery life. Even then, travelling by yourself isn't that bad an idea at all. At the very least, you spend minimum amount of time whereever you don't want to be in and vice versa. More grounds get covered and of course, more shopping gets done. If you're a single female traveller, some not so marvellous tips which essentially worked for me over the years. Probably only applicable for city trips with shopping involved.

1. Have a travel wallet with your cards and the rest of the cash closeby yet unaccessible. (Common sense, I know) Have a little pouch with one essential shopping credit card and the cash that you're prepared to spend for the day. This way, you can effectively watch your spending as well. And look who's talking...

2. Always carry a big bag that can be secured with at least 3 smaller compartments. You'd never know what you're gonna buy.

3. When in doubt, follow the crowd. (And I mean the right crowd... If you trail behind some old ladies, you'll end up in their shopping district. If you choose shady guys...)

4. Have some water and tissues with you all the time.

5. iPod makes your long subway trips

6. Comfy walking shoes. Some places just keeps you walking and walking and walking and walking... They may be ugly but they keep you alive and your legs/feet happy.

7. Maps. You may not know how to read it but have one with you!

8. Mobile. For obvious reasons... And have at least a few emergency quick dials on hand just in case. The mobile must always be handy.

Although I may not be the most experienced traveller around, there are just some guidelines I have for myself.

Lastly, I do not wanna go home!

What If...

Sitting here alone, feeling slightly below the weather, my mind started to roam with my iTunes ringing away in the background. In this land of foreign language and faces, I wandered the streets looking for the complex answer to "what do I want to do next?" Simple question but depending on what it relates to demands a much more thought through answer. These couple of days, I chose to not pack too much activities but cover more grounds, understanding the very local way of living. If you want to dwell, I'm just too lazy to explore too much. I needed a break from too much in the mind and I was trying to just attain that. Having said that, money seems to miraculously disappear even not much shopping was done. Besides, my main purpose of being physically here was easily achieved by the flight. The rest is up to the bigger man up there. Weather here had been good with a bit of overcast every now and then but generally, what can't be controlled by me shouldn't be mine to grumble about. Maybe...

So, what do I want to do next? Was told recently that even if the deal is right in front of you, you can always choose not to accept the deal as the power of decision lies in your very own hands. But too many times, we're all too concerned with the "what ifs". There's always a limit to what one can take but why are we all so engrossed in pushing the bloody limit. Maybe it's easier to take the back seat and let the rest fall into place. Easier said than done. We all want what we want and what we can do to have it, we will fight for it. At least the miserable personality of mine always seeks such "nirvana". If the decision befalls on another person's decision, it might well be better to loosen the string and let the kite fly. Afterall, what is not yours will never be.

Sometimes, it's not about what the will power can do but not to have the will and to give it all away. The load should be lighter...

Lost In Translation

After having written pages of airline review and about my first day in this new city, I discovered that I was having difficulties connecting to the internet with my Mac. So for latest updates, please wait till I have time to bring my Mac to the nearest Starbucks or when I'm back.

Weather is getting cooler and I spent the entire Sunday rotting in the apartment because I walked a little too much yesterday and my legs are aching. Another week of walking to come and I really miss my Osim at home...

I've yet to sink myself into the point of no return of retail therapy but I strongly believe the battle is beginning. There are just so much to see and buy here, the only worry is the depth of your pocket. Things aren't exactly cheap but the hunt begins...

Me Leaving On A Jetplane. Yes ME!

Sitting in the departure lounge, waiting for yet another flight. This time round, the fun factor is escalated because most of the population around me has no idea where I'm heading to. Rest assured as I'll be updating my whereabouts very soon. Right now, I can only hope my flight is conducive enough for me to nap and thankfully, I have no kicking obasan with smelly feet behind me as I opted for the very last row. Window seat is given since I have really bad motion sickness. Yawn... Hope when I wake up, I'm at a brand new city ready for me to explore. SHOPPING!

Moving The Feet

Babooshka Mom once told me if one ever dreads stepping out of the door in the morning, things need to change and if we're able to do that, we should. I did that once not knowing if it was a good choice because if I could turn back time, I might have been alot more cautious and wouldn't be where I am today. Then again, had it not been the change, I might not have encountered some things, incidents nor people. The experience isn't quite exhilarating but definitely priceless. Meeting and working with Bring Thou The Knife is unexpectedly rewarding. Now that this chapter is closing, how the next chapter begins or continues got me thinking...

The credit crunch of 2008 affected many and I wasn't pardoned. That was the first economic depression of my working life. "Subprime" became a household term. Presumed stability was an illusion. No occupation is absolutely recession proof. Medical might be one but there are still part of the profession that was affected in one way or another. So far, if one has escaped the perils of the subprime led recession, you should be thanking God. Then again, I still believe that everything in life happens for a reason and that The Mighty One works in mysterious ways. Doubt is something I should avoid or should I say, I have tried. But by the very end of the day, I find my hands wide open, surrendering all. Absolutely frail and without defence, I often am left clueless. I talk, I speak, I scream and sometimes, I cry. All in the hope that my weak voice can be heard. Pressures emerge when you least need it and as much as I agree what Dad once taught me about life with regards to money, some problems just seem to get bigger without it.

When the market picks up, will life reset back to where it was left behind? Would it be desired? Would the newly amassed experience sufficiently compensates? Decisions are made in life everyday and to not regret is my personal key in my very own decision making audit committee between the ears. To learn to walk again is no longer a choice. To want more in life is purely a luxurious want but not too much to ask for. To put this in perspective, we all want life to be better today than tomorrow. Maybe I'm still lucky because I've always been given choices...

Bleah...

Just so mentally tired. I've been missing my alarm and rushing the daylights out of myself recently. So much things on my mind and so much piled up that I have no idea where to begin. Never ever been good with politics, it's still a topic I'd like to avoid. But somehow, it gets to you no matter what. It's when i found myself dreading getting out of the house, I knew some things had to change. For now, it's the mindset... Good night, world...

I Loved That Lazy Moment

This would be the last song in the world anyone would categorise as a love song. It stirs back some happy moments...

Care to send me the mp3 format, anyone? I'm dying to sing along to this in Kokoro...

Almost Here

When a purpose is no longer present, the game resets and life reshuffles. Looking at goals previously forsaken due to some setbacks, the process of rethinking begins. Goals are set once again but the arena changes. Getting out of this country may give the whole picture a clearer view and changes the focus spot. Having a brand new aim might being life to greater heights. If that is what that will last, there's no reason why that position shouldn't have a spot for me. Other things in life can wait I suppose...

Keeping all options open, there's a chance I might not leave the border but every chance I have to leave this place for a while, I might grab it in a heartbeat given the right settings. The daily reminder of what things would have been can be torturous. Going out to just do it might solve all issues. The main question is the future of Kokoro, the machine that's of so much value to me but none to others. It was the topic of how future would be like with the little house and the little car and Kokoro being that little car. To let go of such memories is undesirable but necessary. To press on will only smear the nice make up that's put on to beautify the face.

The temptation of a faster moving city is extremely tempting. The pending stress is only encouraging to put all of the mind and the soul into carving a new block. The rest of life will have to wait. Staring at pictures of bliss and happiness, it feels almost like a joke that we actually built those sandcastles that we knew that was too far away from concrete. No amount of desire and perseverance seems to be helping. I wish I could change the world but my hands are too small. If they can't even change the arc of my mouth, they can't change a mind. There's very little left to what one can do...

I would change the world
If I had a chance
Oh won't you let me
Treat me like a child
Throw your arms around me
Oh please protect me

傻瓜

傻瓜我们都一样
受了伤却不投降
相信付出会有代价
代价只是一句傻瓜

傻瓜相信这个他不一样

最暖的胸口

After the sandstorm, the dust settles. Everything still looks grainy, as though God intended for it to be so. As much as we'd all love a clearer view, clarity remains out of reach. Did He forgot about me?

A couple of days short of the most important day in the calendar, the second departure differed from the first. Still vivid and remembered by the post on the day of the first teary goodbye, I wrote that to wait was naturally expected. Little did I know, the second goodbye was for good. I'm wishing it would rain heavily now so that I could go soak myself and wake my dumb brain up. The mind is playing back the bitter sweet moments like a fucked up broken recorder. Absolutely torturing and disruptive. Funnily, I secretly hope that the same teary scene at the very last moment before the first final departure, the words "wait for me, dear..." would reappear like a beautiful dream. Like a forgotten child...

牵手和分手来自同一双手

To try to maintain a strong front has always been a forte. To return home to emptiness never fails to hit hard with the unspeakable and excruciating pain. If there's someone I could run to, there could only be one. When the weather is bad out there, we will always look forward to having a warm shower at home. When the fall hurts, the sprint home to that warm voice always helps. Few fit the bill of a warm voice. The choices are ultimately a choice.

The rain is getting cold. The face gets warmer. The arms are empty. To long to hide in Pengaloo... The warmth in the cold... Complex yet simple happiness. It is not an imaginary place but it can no longer be found.

我怀念的 是争吵以后
还是想要爱你的冲动

Is this wanting very little or wanting alot? I want nothing else in this world. Nothing! Absolutely nothing! Nothing... I find that I'm talking to myself...

想问为什么
我不再是你的快乐

Now that the emo side is done, the rational side of me understands. I truly do... And I'll still be around whenever my presence is needed.

Parcel Before The Toe

There are just so many things I try to talk about or not talk about. This blog is after all a public area accessible by everyone. This has always be my outlet and will continue to be. There's only so much I could hide in my car to scream, tear and swallow down and about all the crap this world delivers right to my doorstep. Not anywhere else but right smack in front of my big toe. When every step you take is in consideration of a bigger picture, the moment the artist withdraws the drawn, it will not just be a plain piece of canvas, it becomes an useless piece of dirty canvas. Time will wash this piece of canvas time and again and whether it regains it's former glory, it's an uncertainty we can hardly hold on to. Time will also play its part in aging the canvas. To some, it's vintage. To others, it's a piece of rag. To find the right jockey for the crippled horse may be a challenge, though not impossible but has anyone asked if the horse is too old or too tired to race the race?

Time is not the right chip, neither yours nor mine. Time is something none of us can stop or grab. It will slip away from you regardless of the number of steps that you're taking. Staring into space may be therapy to some but total wastage to others. Is silence and doing absolutely nothing a bad thing afterall? Would it allow repackaging, restructuring, resizing? To reshuffle is again, back to the initial drawing board. Too tired... Maybe taking a seat by the broken tree stump might salvage some integrity. Reshuffling...

愛我別走

我到了這個時候還是一樣 夜裡的寂寞容易叫人悲傷
我不敢想的太多 因為我一個人 迎面而來的月光拉長身影
漫無目的地走在冷冷的街 我沒有你的消息
因為我在想你 愛我別走 如果你說 你不愛我
不要聽見你真的說出口 再給我一點溫柔 愛我別走
如果你說 你不愛我 不要聽見你真的說出口
再給我一點溫柔 我到了這個時候還是一樣
夜裡的寂寞容易叫人悲傷 我不敢想的太多
因為我一個人 迎面而來的月光拉長身影
漫無目的地走在冷冷的街 我沒有你的消息
因為我在想你 愛我別走 如果你說 你不愛我
不要聽見你真的說出口 再給我一點溫柔
愛我別走 如果你說 你不愛我 不要聽見你真的說出口
再給我一點溫柔

愛我別走 如果你說 你不愛我
不要聽見你真的說出口 再給我一點溫柔 愛我別走
如果你說 你不愛我 不要聽見你真的說出口 再給我一點溫柔

Packing Up The Dreams

Recalling the week when I came home from work staring at the familiar backview while work continues on the Mac. It was sheer happiness even if it means not doing much. Expecting the future to be busier than ever, the concern was thrown out of the window. Changes were inevitable but we geared towards it and we was braving it together. On a one way street, thinking that love will conquer all, the battle was lost. Thinking I was needed and wanted was plain wishful. Packing up the memories, I will keep walking. Looking back, there were only smiles and I'm thankful for the memories. Sorry I couldn't be there anymore even if I wanted to. It was that little space in the heart that I failed to hold the fort. Wounded and tired, I just need to take a rest... Maybe tomorrow might be better. Afterall, the sun will always be shining.

If only the pillar can continue to support the building, the pillar will relentlessly hold on until the day it crumbles.

Everytime We Say Goodbye, I Wish We Had Another Kiss

If one is found sitting in an empty and cold room staring into the promises written on the ball of the past, the legs curl up and you try to remind yourself, happiness is not measured by this moment but a collective series of episodes consisting of the past, present and the future. Hoping that crazy emotions doesn't get the better of things, you take a deep breather and just think of the most beautiful images you could ever piece together and recall. What is missed is often easily brought up by a song or a line but what could be missed could possibly mean a lifetime. Life brings about many junctions and many tend to detour you but once the destination is a clear one, perseverence will pay off. Or will it really? The junctions bring about opportunities and alternative happiness but eventually, it is the destination that you are concerned with. However, the company that keeps you going during this journey cannot be taken out of the equation. So what if the junctions are tempting, the decision lies within. When I believe it to be beautiful, it is not an illusion. It is beautiful. Bring me to life!



Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky oh my, baby I'm trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music, fell the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

想太多

I remembered when we were young, our school bags were atrociously heavy. Every night, I'd religiously pack my bag to make sure that I will have the necessary the next day but not overpack. However, the possibility of overpacking was unavoidable due to personal anal characteristics that I'd rather overpack than underpack. To underpack would be disastrous. Which actually equates to a huge travel toiletries bag and that normally takes up a good quarter of my luggage for any short haul trips. When underpacked, I'd feel totally inadequate and my mood would normally hit rock bottom, killing the rest of my trips. Well, that generally applies to crucial items like spectacles, contact lenses, hair mask and my flat iron for the unmanageable hair.

Back to school bags, my parents were always worried if I run the risk of becoming the Hunchback of Notredame. And as the day passes, the bag becomes heavier. Or when the weather isn't quite going the way you want it to be, you just wish to dump the bag in some field and bury it forever till it turns to dust. I knew my parents would ensure I'm the one to bite the dust eventually so I gradually gave up that thought.

How many times have we found ourselves beginning a day with a light bag and subsequently found it too heavy for our shoulders? The contents hasn't changed and if any, cash miraculously disappeared during the day. For me, I blame it on the shopping indulgence happening once every blue moon. I prefer to call it retail therapy. Minus the shopping part, the shoulders get more and more tired without any significant addition to the general weight of the bag. The drag is painful but we're bound to carry them home. How many of these times do we wanna just head straight home (excluding the shopping trips in Hong Kong whereby it's so convenient to drop off your shopping at the hotel before returning to the mall for more killings) and not care about the load anymore? Sometimes we succumb to the sore shoulders but for myself, more often than not, I endured till the end of the day and happily head home to smile at my very victorious shopping trip. All is not wasted when you put on your pair of killer heels or that sexy little black dress. However, not all shopping trips end with good purchases. On days, you find yourself going back to swop but better sizes/colours or a total refund for the unwanted product. Though few and far between, it sure does happen. Undesirable but unavoidable. So the next time when your bag gets heavy, don't just flag a cab and head home. think of the more beautiful things awaiting for you at the end of the day. Hopefully, life gets more fulfilled.


你笑着说 他是朋友
但你眼中太温柔
我的不安 那么沉重
只有你不懂
他霸占了 你的心中
属于我的角落
所以你说 我们 不是你和我

是我想太多 你总这样说
但你却没有 真的心疼我
是我想太多 我也这样说
这是唯一能安慰我的理由

他霸占了 你的心中
属于我的角落
所以你说 我们 不是你和我

是我想太多 你总这样说
但你却没有 真的心疼我
是我想太多 我也这样说
这是唯一能安慰我的理由

我想我没有 错怪了什么
虽然你不说 都是错在我
太晚我才懂 爱了你太多

是我想太多 你总这样说
但你却没有 真的心疼我
是我想太多 我也这样说
这是唯一能安慰我的理由

Authenticity of Care

Every girl, and for that matter, every human being likes to be given the attention and to be cared for. But life is weird in the way when you are expecting concern from specific people, they tend to not notice your needs. On the very same page, you have people who care and gives you the attention you so desire. Does it really matter at the end of the day if such cares are genuine or are such concerns a selfish way to keep our emotions on a constant high? What is the yardstick for authenticity then?

I suppose if we look at our life like the GPS navigation system. One needs to get from point A to point B. At times, we may need to take a detour but we're eventually headed to our destination. Other times, for one reason or another, we abort the current destination to hunt for the nearest mall. There are traffic warnings here and there but it boils down to oneself is you would want to bring withn the speed limit or beat that red light. Penalty may or may not come. The single most important factor determining the destination is eventually the driver him/herself. One decides if a detour is needed or desired regardless of the highlighted route.

Crucially, your conscience should be your natural direction in life. The destination may not be clear but clearly, the drive ought to be a safe and hopefully, interesting one.

Life's Eclipse

It's been quiet but it isn't dead. Besides work, my Blackberry has occupied all my other time frantically trying to find someone for dinner in the bare remaining hours I'm left with after work. Due to the lack of an interface to blog via my Blackberry, I've gone pretty darn silent. I'm back with a vengence and I'm determined to find a user friendly interface to start blogging again. If you have got any suggestions, please inform me.

After work, life mostly revolves around a short dinner cum coffee then it's straight home because by then, I'll be dead beat. Rarely do I have the luxury of spending hours out after working hours because I'd be expected to be at work on time, if not, before official start time. And to be working on the other end of this island, being at work on time is important yet discouraging.

To be home early has lost its appeal. Having my folks grumbling about my job and the limited promised dough isn't pleasant and with Skype no longer blinking away with highly anticipated conversations, to be home early has lost its incentive. However, going home slightly later doesn't mean that I have loads of time to unwind. Doubled with the lack of sleep, I'm beginning to look like a real zombie.

Hopefully, Cannonbola Run 3 this weekend can spice up my life that bit more.

THE Prada Bag

Shopping has always been my more feminine love and equally as painfully and detrimental to my pocket as my love for cars. Slightly more than a year back, I made my choice and adopted Kokoro. Subsequently, I lost my job and settled for a job I would never have imagined myself to take on. As much as it is interesting, it's not able to financially support my expensive passions. Not that I'm regretting and in fact, I'm thankful for such an opportunity. However, I do want to kill myself when I go shopping and realise I have lost the spending power I used to have. I started to think if things would have been better had I continued to plough on the same dry ground and hoping the rain starts to pour and on a daily basis, pray that things grow on the barren ground. I kinda like the way it is now that my life doesn't depend on the variant in my paycheck but that also means it wouldn't grow no matter how hard I work.

While staring at the black leather/fabric bag in Prada, I was so tempted to bring it home. When I was told that they have only brought in 5 pieces and that was the last piece, I nearly died because I wanted it so damn badly. My immediate reaction wwas thinking if I should go back to my previous line. to be honest, apart from the meagre paycheck, I do enjoy what I'm doing at the moment. But for the kinda headache I have to brave through, I am seriously overutilised on the per dollar basis. Don't get me wrong because I'm not complaining. I just wanted that bag quite badly but I cannot justify spending 2 months worth of car installments on it and not eat and spend for the rest of the month. Sigh...

Friday Entertainment

My self entertainment while facing pain at work, turning my anguish to laughter.

An internal email to a colleague:

"Dear XXX (XXX to protect my innocent colleague),

I think for general XXX (XXX to protect my innocent department) “Mental” Health, we should set up a course. Common Sense Development Course (CSDC) The purpose of this course is to reduce hazardous remarks that are said without putting any reasonable thoughts to it and causing grieve to others as a result. In the course, we will provide XXX (XXX to protect a particular government organisation) certified trainers which are commonly found in most zoos and humans call them monkeys. The honouranium will be in the form of peanuts.

Please approve this course suggestion so we can get non-English language certified courseware developers to start developing courseware plagued with spelling errors.

PS. I wore my watch on my waist today and my belt on my wrist. I’m so happy."
Another follow up email by me:

Dear XXX (XXX to protect my innocent colleague),

Thank you for the approval. Please note that trainees are able to claim special funds from Mandai XXXlogical (XXX to protect someone who doesn't quite need much protection) Garten but please do direct them to the Idiots Only Department (IOD). They have to meet the basic requirements as follows:

- From department of Sales/Marketing
- Certified as old ugly men and occasionally some old ugly women

Unfortunately, I’m sorry to tell you that you do not qualify so XXX (XXX to protect my innocent department) will not be able to sponsor you for the course as XXX (XXX to protect my innocent department in another desperate attempt) is the anal department always giving people trouble and always receiving others’ unwanted burden. You need to be ugly and stupid enough to qualify so in the event that you disfigured your face AND killed your brains, we will accept an appeal from you and might consider waiving your course fee.

I have just entertained myself on a PMS plagued, stressed up Friday.

Contentment Makes Life Cheaper to Maintain

It's been a few weeks at work and I'm drowning further. Having a great boss helped ease the load a fair bit but the opportunities given to me should not be undermined. I may not have a healthy bank account as most of us would like. I am, however, really thankful for the opportunity to learn in the job and as the days pass by, I am more in control of my jurisdiction. The steep learning curve has not deterred me in any way. In fact, it has pushed me to my limits and this limits kept seeing new peaks. At times, I was be amazed at my elasticity to stretch beyond what I would ever imagine.

Weekends have taken whole new meanings to "a darn good rest". All I want would be to stay at home and sleep with impromptu mahjong sessions slotted in between. My last weekend was exceptionally unforgettable with very little sleep but extremely fulfilled. I kinda like how my cash-poor, soul-rich life right now.

Saturday was a whole day event with Percival and MyPlyn's wedding. As a "jie-mei", I had to wake up early and work for "ang pow". All is done in good fun with the groom sweating his last drop my perspiration out. The banquet was held in St.Regis. Food was decent despite the bad reviews on the insufficiency in food portions. Personally, I thought it was alright and to top it all, the menu did not have any sharks' fin. Most wedding dinners should adopt this as sharks' fins can easily be replaced. In this case, each guest was served with a whole abalone, albeit it wasn't huge.

Sunday was the charity event that set me out to write this post. Together with some MediaCorp artistes and RJC, one of the car forums that I tend to be rather active in, was involved in a charity event for Boon Lay constituency called "Bring A Hope".



The objective is to deliver some food and to find out the wishes of the individual families and come Christmas, we will try to fulfil their wishes. Growing up in a dual income family, I hardly came across extreme poverty in Singapore. And by saying that, I mean people who can't even afford their next meals. All they were wishing for were food and very little of luxuries. Domestic violence and drug addiction seemed prevalent in the neighbourhood. I've always been painted the beautiful picture that Singaporeans have little to worry about in terms of food at the very least. That wasn't the case at all. But of course, there were a couple of families which would refuse to even help themselves which made it hard for others to want to help them. There was a family when asked if they would like to work if offered a job, the answer we got was, "Too tired, don't want to work. No money. I want money" I only believe that God will only help those who help themselves. I can teach you how to fish but I can't be supplying you fishes forever.

This event was very meaningful because it made me feel so fortunate that I have a job, I know I can afford lunch and dinner, I have got proper limbs and a great mind to take me through life's journey. With contentment, my life is surprisingly filled with more smiles. That is how I feel about my current job as well. Until I finally get drowned in the pile of emails.

ICU For Kokoro

As you might have read in my last entry that Kokoro is currently admitted to Volkswagen Hospital. It seems as though I've got a lemon in my garage. Not too long ago, the car kept coming back with engine light popping up. I suppose it's a little to early for Christmas street light up. It went through operations to get an entire list of stuffs replaced. They were all small issues until my recent drive up to Malacca.

It was a normal drive on the NSH and none of the B roads, hence, the failure was totally uncomprehensible. Kokoro started to vibrate violently. The initial suspicion were the coil packs which the GTi is known to have problems with. On the way back from Malacca, Saints who took my car reckoned that it could be the manifold because the vibration was much worse than a mere coilpack problem.

true enough, after some diagnosis with VW, the problem was indeed the manifold. There was a leak and the injectors need to be replaced. Kokoro has been in there for the past 2 weeks and I doubt it would be out today as well. His heart (ie. the engine) is currently out of the body and operations to get it back up and running again is underway. Apparently, VW has admitted that it is a manufacturing fault. Although I love my car and I think with this price, I doubt I can get a better car, I'm still peeved that I'm paying all the taxes/licences and installments at the moment and I don't get to drive it. It is just depreciating daily in value just sitting in VW. I don't quite wanna fault them but my patience is running out... QUICK!

Oh where oh where can my baby be...

The Blackberry Addiction

You know you're addicted to your Blackberry when:

1. You can't leave home without it.

2. It's the main point of contact anyone can get it be it via a phonecall, SMS, email, IM, BB Messenger (well, another form of IM but not quite... totally adore the function which brings me to my third point...)

3. You don't just give someone your email address or contact number. You give them your Blackberry Pin. By the way, do leave a message if you're a genuine friend and wants to add me to your BB chat.

4. You are constantly trying to avoid walking into a lamp-post.

5. You need a charger in the office, at home and in the car. That's not it, you will also need the USB cable just in case the power runs out during a meeting and you can just plug it to charge via your laptop.

Alright, I'm THE addict!

No Time Mdm

if you are thinking that I've probably vanished into thin air, you're not far from right. I have in fact been moving around quite a bit. The past weeks had been anything but peaceful. It all started with my Dad getting admitted of a sudden to the hospital and was placed in the ICU. The word "ICU" alone scares the hell out of many of us, me included. That's one anecdote that I'll have to take another day to illustrate but Dad is home, safe and sound. He just got to watch his diet and not take too much greens due to the presence of vitamin K in them. I thought that was heavenly diet since I'm pretty much a carnivore.

I used to stare at horoscope predictions and wonder where they got the "this week/month is bad for travelling..." There were no predictions by any readings so do not start asking me which tarot or fengshui master I went to. My very last Shanghai trip before I started work, ah hem yes I started work this week which explains why I've been so busy, started off really bad as I lost my wallet on the plane TO Shanghai. Subsequently, my car ran into some trouble during a drive to Malacca and is still now in Volkwagen hospital undergoing some operation.

Work has driven me crazy but with loads of adrenalin pumping through my body. It is not one that pays like my previous jobs and the scope is far wider. This is a good learning experience and I'm going to get up and running as soon as possible to prove my limited worth. Wish me luck!

Chia Orh Orh

An entire week of silence. Do you miss me? Running around was the most generic description I can think of to give you an idea of what I've been doing. For today, Specifically, I went to get the tinting on my car redone. The previous tint on my car was done by Vkool. The product itself was amazing and the ability to shield heat was great but it was reflective and attracted both the traffic police and the LTA to issue me with sufficient warnings. However, the workmanship was far from ideal. Uneven holes were cut out where the IU unit is and aesthetically, it was horrific.

Through a particular car forum, I came across a familiar name highly recommended from another forummer. The phone number provided rang a bell. With the possibility of embarrassing myself recognising the wrong person, I decided to drop him a text. true enough, it was a friend whom I haven't met for at least the past 8 years or so. He was one of those people who got me really interested in cars and even did a donut (with me in it) at the Kallang McDonald's carpark. He now owns a tinting shop and so I went to him. Initially, it was purely because he's an old friend and I really wanted to catch up. The tinting was a catalyst since I got caught yet again by traffic police earlier this week.

Sitting in his office watching his employees work on my car, removing the previous tint and the excessive amount of glue. What really impressed me was the attention to details and the meticulous work was shown by the absence of air bubbles. If anyone of you needs tinting to be done on your call, do get his number from me. THIS IS NOT AN ADVERTISEMENT. This is merely a testimonial from a satisfied customer...

Busy Bee

Since my departure from my last job, I've been idling around. Perhaps idling isn't the best word to describe since I've been kept very busy. Interviews for one particular opportunity kept me shuttling from one end of Singapore to the other end and since I'm already in the west, I ended up at Xiaohong's place almost every other day. Then again, even without those interviews, I'll still end up there for mahjong or Texas Hold'em. Other friends who already regard the "clubhouse" as THE Clubhouse also visited there regularly which gives me even more reasons to plant myself on her sofa. Being with fun people who cares, I wouldn't ask for more. Having the company of people who value add your life and allow you to add value to the community, I couldn't ask for more.

Over a session when they were making fun of me and my blog, this song was the talking point. I volunteered to translate the lyrics to English. Do not think attempt to tease me based on the lyrics. I admit, I'm a hopeless romantic but definitely not so bad that it'd send a shiver up your spine. On top of which, the lyrics were NOT written by me. I just like the song... And although it also carries the thoughts from me to the man thousands of miles away but but but... More explanation would only get me deeper into the quick sand.

Here's the literal translation:
用你的早安陪我吃晚餐
Wishing me good morning during my dinner
记得把想念存进扑满
Keeping my thoughts in the piggy bank
我望着满天星在闪
Staring at the shining stars
听牛郎对织女说要勇敢
牛郎 telling 织女 to be brave (牛郎&织女 are characters of a chinese folklore referring to a couple who are apart)

别怕我们在地球的两端
Not afraid of being on the opposite ends of the Earth
看你的问候骑着魔毯
Seeing your greetings on the magic carpet
飞用光速飞到我面前
Flying to me in lightning speed
你让我看到北极星有十字星作伴
You showed me that 北极星 will always have the company of 十字星(Southern Cross = 十字星; Northern Star = 北极星; Both Stars are known to be always together)

少了你的手背当枕头我还不习惯
Without your arm as my pillow, I'm still not used to it.
你的望远镜望不到我北半球的孤单
Your binoculars can't see my loneliness in the Northern hemisphere
太平洋的潮水跟着地球来回旋转
Tides of the Pacific Ocean are rotating with the Earth
我会耐心地等 等你有一天靠岸
I'll be waiting patiently for your return

少了你的怀抱当暖炉我还不习惯
Without your hug, I'm still not used to it
E给你照片看不到我北半球的孤单
My loneliness is not depicted in the picture I emailed you
世界再大两颗真心就能互相取暖
No matter how big the world is, our hearts can seek warmth in each other when they are real
想念不会偷懒 我的梦通通给你保管
Missing you is not something that I'd be lazy to do, my dreams are in your safekeeping

Videos of Cannonbola Run 2

Havne't got the time to blog much as I've been very kindly babysitted by friends since Penguin's departure to Kimchi land. However, much thanks to fruitcakepablohoney, the videos from Cannonbola Drive is now on YouTube. While I occupy myself with even more mahjong games, enjoy the videos for now.

The Slow Drive Up Cameron


Top Of Cameron


Almost Empty Roads on Gua Musang




R32 Wabbit Killer In Action


Super Slow Off Road


Towards Lake Kenyir


Scenic Lake Kenyir

For Today, For Tomorrow

While enjoying the brief sunset on the way to pick up your tangible belongings before you leave for the next few months, I stared at the light blue sky wondering what would you be doing the very next day at the very same time. By then, we would be looking at the same sky but thousands of miles apart. I wondered when will be the next time we can get to enjoy the same sunset again together, driving from place to place in the same car, feeling one another's hands and heartbeat. I miss your presence.

During the brief departure at the airport, I couldn't hold back the salty tears anymore. The warmth the tears carried would witness our last hug and kiss for a long time. I didn't had the courage to turn around and look back because I knew I wouldn't want to let you out of my sight. Trying with all my might, I tried to remember your eyes, your nose, your smile and your smell. Looking forward to our next meeting, I made do with the hugs and kisses from my memories. On my way to the car, I couldn't hold it any longer, I ran back to the car and wailed like a kid on the first day of school with my parents leaving me and not knowing if they are coming back for me. I miss your warmth.

Before you left, you told me to wait for you. I thought how silly because that was naturally expected. I also know both of us should not take anything for granted. So with the danger of having swollen eyes the very next day, the emo dam opened itself again. Almost anything you said would definitely trigger the waterfall. I already miss you. I miss your voice.

Lying on my bed, I miss the time we cuddled and watch Discovery Channel. The week when you were here, my bed was your home. Coming home to a skinny body occupying my side of the bed made me had to fight for my natural right to come back to my space. I would give you my spot right now just to have you here with me. I miss your smell.

You were just gone and I can't wait for you to return. That would be months ahead but you know I'll be here. I will be your emotional support just like you've been mine. Take care my dear...

Run With Me

There was never a moment in my life that tears were so readily available and I was surprised with my biological generousity. The anticipation of departure hurts but knowing that this is temporary and in his words, for a better future, I just had to suck it in and live with it. The pain is partly attributed to the uncertainty in the life of yours truly. Not knowing what will happen the next day, having a warm shoulder definitely helps. Being emotionally needy, my tears couldn't ease things but probably made it harder for him to go which wasn't any part of my intentions. I know I'll be fine and so will everything else. Maybe it's just me completing the drama side of my alter ego, the tears became part of the set. Not that I could help it...

A few months isn't exactly a long time but neither is it short when so many things are up in the air bearing no hint of concrete in them. Seeing him through the screen will probably be the sole temporary comfort both of us can look forward to. The hardest part should be the initial part and once the turbo lag ease off, the journey ahead should be smoother. I guess it helps when there's mutual understanding on what we're both in for and working towards what we want and wish to achieve. In our different arenas, we're walking in the same direction and reaching out for that common end point. The race may seem tiring but knowing that someone is running it with you, the reassurance is all it takes to calm some nerves. To be strong is not an option. To be brave is only mandatory. To love is inherent.

Here We Go Again...

In less than a year, for the second time, there's no need to wake up early for work. This time around, the situation is different and it wasn't quite voluntary but more circumstancial. The crash of the market during Q4 last year couldn't have been more untimely for me. All forms of business development have gone to waste and the relationships built up over the years need to be shelved aside. Funnily, the announcement came as a relief to me more than anything. Instead of living in constant worries, the confirmation served its purpose. A week away from saying bye to Penguin for months, this is oddly enough a piece of news to set his mind at ease before he takes off. To me, it matters to myself that I will not become the root of his worries while he's busy with work. The effect of the paradigm was a bag of totally mixed up emotions and sleepless nights. Considering to stay or to leave the industry altogether and how much of a paycut am I willing to take for stability. With prematured intentions to provide the best for my family in future, I wanted to do more in my prime. Again, my mind runs... and runs...

Drink & Drive

Periods of exasperation when things seem to be going nowhere because communication is either not present or doubts arising from fear and suspicion seemed to have masked the trust. Who would have thought the air would be clearer with some alcohol? With inherent Asian flush and very low tolerance for alcohol, it would be unlikely that I'm the one who gets drunks and still be able to spout sensible nonsense. Well, that's because it is not me!

With the imminent departure of Penguin to Kimchi-land, uncertainty fills the air with gloom bearing the effect of getting the involved parties all edgy. Guilty of casting ridiculous doubts, I would sit myself by the window just before my bedtime to reassess my thoughts and actions. Often, the stubborn side of me would brush things off and continue my adament ignorance of my better half. It didn't quite help when the other person is equally as stubborn or if not, worse. Aimless low temperature brought most improvements to a freezing stop. This was going nowhere...

Our very second movie date over the past 8 over months since we started seeing one another was Fast & Furious 4 which themes over cars, pretty much a subject very close to our hearts. As with every other above average movies, there was a plot and the show was on the overall, enjoyable. But it was the fact that we were watching a movie, out my our own without being in the presence of other common friends or getting stucked in a car workshop, that brought out the extra grin in my smile. Both of us enjoy being in the presence of friends, doing things in a huge group, going for dinners, meetups, drives, coffee but there was only as far I could go without "Snugtime". In several attempts to suggest more "Snugtime", we never got too far off from planning for the weekend and eventually finding ourselves spending time on or around the mahjong table. It was getting emotionally taxing because it was totally non-directional and unhealthy for a budding relationship. I supposed that was where all the edginess and traces of frustration rooted.

When he spoke, he didn't stop. And I love that. It was a rare occurance. It was that bit of alcohol in the blood stream that opened up the walls of his emotional dam. To know what and how he really feels and hearing it directly from him, means far more to me than the usual "you should know I care"... The usual response would be "I do but but but..." and I get lost in a flood of frustration that indirectly caused the loss for words. At times, I would wish I have the special capability Mel Gibson has in "What Women Wants" just to know what is between those cute Mickey Mouse (my very first impression of him btw) ears. It was amazing what was really deep down could be driven out by some beer. After the sub coherant yet unexpectedly fruitful conversation, I'm just glad directions are still similar and we both have nothing to worry about even when his presence is being missed for the next few months.

It will be the hug, the kiss and the sheer warmth of the body that I look forward to in a few months' time. I will miss you...

Leaving On A Jet Plane

April is coming to an end and the beginning of May is dreadful. The start of leading singlehood life knowing that an important person in life is staring into the same sky is thousands of miles away. I guess it's just part of life and the processes we have to go through. At the same time, this might just be the test we need to weather the worse. On one hand, I'm glad that this special person is someone whom I can trust to handle the toughest coming along his way and I can rest assure that he will come back the same person, if not, a better him. On the other end of the spectrum, worries rush in inevitably filling up the unknown. At this time when everything in my life is unstable, a very distant imaginary hug is all I'm left with, unassuringly reassuring.

How often have we forgotten how life is like to have the extra freedom again which essentially was never ever taken away from us. I was never stopped from doing my own things but time has morphed to become ours and as an item, often referring to us instead of you and me. It was alot of laughs and smiles with the occasional sulk and silence, all part and parcel of learning more about the other person.

For the coming months and months, the refuge and comfort I seek will more often be in the form of written words, occasional voice exchanges, a daily imaginary hug to sleep and a constant thought of the other party's well-being.

If you know I'm always here thinking of you, that's all enough for me.

Instinctive Animal Chase

Every girl dreams of a once in a lifetime fairy tale like relationship and one day, Prince Charming will give her that one kiss and bring her back to his castle living the promise of "to have and to hold". But in reality, there are too many factors playing in my minds, the society and circumstances. The mating game of chasing and to be chased has been played all too many times. The insufficient sense of security often brings some of us back to the starting point. The failure to ensure faith brings the others to the end point. Some are stuck revolving in the maze of confusion or amusement. Is it plain animal instinct or human nature that people tend to stray and find it a task to remain truthful and faithful? This takes us back to whether white lies are lies and if maintaining silence is dishonest.

Where absolute trust is involved, things beautify. Should the trust be broken, the crack may simply be irreparable. The more solidified the state of trust is, the crack will only be greater and the cost to bring it back to the original state, may have gone up exponentially. Should human beings still maintain their animal instinctive need to hunt for more food, never doubt the natural human instinct to know where good and bad food can be found. On the same note, I've heard and experienced the amazement of sixth senses and the ability of some to sniff out the fouls. Even the thickest of the lot might just dig out or even chance upon the rotten bits in the pile. Life is wonderfully painful during times like that.

Just heard this quote from a mindless soap opera but made sense to me... "The essence of love is not about the tears but the happiness." The hunt for the eternal smile continues for many....

When The Sky Is Blue And The Water Is Calm...

Was lunching with Bster and Jie Mei Videographer yesterday and we were on the topic of relationships and the handling of emotions. There are often a myriad of emotions in us and the internal struggles can be unbelieveable. Most of us know what we ought or not ought to do and I tend to do the opposite. I can't say the ability to give in to other people is in my nature but I grew to realise that the unknowing act of giving in inevitably breeds complacency in others. When being taken for granted, is one or the other to be blamed for allowing the presence of it?

Sick and tired of the mindless and aimless silence, one would often succumb to the real warmth of having a person, a listening ear. In the absence of them, the mind wanders and doubts. Where is the road heading to?

Girls are often said to have the prerogative of having the time of the month and a reasonable pinch of unreasonableness. Not to justify such an action, I don't see no fault in this. There has to be a point or an avenue where we can let it all out. Have I lost that prerogative in the pursuit of the warm body?

In a desperate attempt and need to transform such anguish to tears, the silence screams and shouts seem to fall short of the need to uphold dignity. Maintaining a smile and calm composure, life seems to go on without a hitch. The wriggling worms in the mind hasn't stopped moving even though the water surface seems serene. When will one be able to let it all out and let it go? Who even cares?

The difficulty of not being able to rest the mind and go to sleep seems to override the need to keep the water surface flat. The tossing and turning kills whatever that was holding back the dignity. When all you need is probably a tight warm hug, reassuring you that everything will be fine. You find yourself seeking this in an endless quest. The fight between holding onto your beliefs and the need for that cuddle goes on.

On a separate note, thou did an online personality test and here's my results:

Providers take it upon themselves to insure the health and welfare of those in their care, but they are also the most sociable of all the Guardians, and thus are the great nurturers of social institutions such as schools, churches, social clubs, and civic groups. Providers are very likely more than ten percent of the population, and this is fortunate for the rest of us, because friendly social service is a key to their nature. Wherever they go, Providers happily give their time and energy to make sure that the needs of others are met, and that social functions are a success.

Highly cooperative themselves, Providers are skilled in maintaining teamwork among their helpers, and are also tireless in their attention to the details of furnishing goods and services. They make excellent chairpersons in charge of dances, banquets, class reunions, charity fund-raisers, and the like. They are without peer as masters of ceremonies, able to speak publicly with ease and confidence. And they are outstanding hosts or hostesses, knowing everyone by name, and seemingly aware of what everyone's been doing. Providers love to entertain, and are always concerned about the needs of their guests, wanting to make sure that all are involved and provided for.

Friendly, outgoing, neighborly - in a word, Providers are gregarious, so much so that they can become restless when isolated from people. They love to talk with others, and will often strike up a conversation with strangers and chat pleasantly about any topic that comes to mind. Friendships matter a great deal to Providers, and their conversations with friends often touch on good times from years past. Family traditions are also sacred to them, and they carefully observe birthdays and anniversaries. In addition, Providers show a delightful fascination with news of their friends and neighbors. If we wish to know what's been going on in the local community, school, or church, they're happy to fill us in on all the details.

Providers are extremely sensitive to the feelings of others, which makes them perhaps the most sympathetic of all the types, but which also leaves them somewhat self-conscious, that is, highly sensitive to what others think of them. Loving and affectionate themselves, they need to be loved in return. In fact, Providers can be crushed by personal criticism, and are happiest when given ample appreciation both for themselves personally and for the tireless service they give to others.

First 3 Months

This article by Shawn Woo brought back the time when I was doing my first 3 months. I was posted to Outram Institute which technically wasn't a junior college but A'levels courses were offered over a period of 3 years instead of 2. I reckon I had wanted to go to a polytechnic after that so I jolly well go enjoy my version of "JC life" for a while.

Firstly, the uniform swopping was more than simple fun. We get to try the oddest, the most colourful, the most unbelieveable or even the most "pretty" uniforms. It's a little like fulfilling your "childhood fantasy" and donning the uniform of the school that you either always long to go to or the craziest uniform that you'd never imagine yourself wearing. The cutest uniform has got to be the uniform of Outram Institute itself. The "uniform" part between the genders were the grey bottoms but like baby clothings, the girls were dressed in pink tops and the boys in baby blue. Going to school everyday is like a new discovery to find your schoolmates in yet another different set of uniforms. Probably the only uniforms that weren't popular were those from St Margaret's (for the girls) and Catholic High (for the boys). By now, Moody Penguin would be running after me with an exhaust pipe. (Teehee...)

Orientation hopping wasn't so "in" during my time because we had so much fun just hanging around with our "temporary classmates" that we barely had time for anyone/anything else. But due to the shuffle of the second intake, I had my best orientation at Serangoon JC although I was there for merely 3 days until I was shoved to wear the turquoise apple green uniform.

It's quite sad to know these things are slowly being phased out and our next generation will never quite understand when we say, "during those days..."

My first 3 months was one of my happiest times. All I did was play, play and play. I was training for basketball day and night, for schools, clubs, youth teams etc. You would have mistaken me for a scrawny, Indian girl because my complexion was so dark, friends whom I haven't met for a while then, wouldn't have been able to pick me out from a crowd. There were no stress from school nor work. I hated my management clases but I never had to do much work. Responsibilities as the class chairman barely put on any pressure on me because all I had to do is to mark everyone's attendance and regardless whether they were present at the beginning of the day, no one was ever absent because I'd be ticking the attendance from a McDonald's in Serangoon chomping down on my breakfast. I was everyone's best friend then. (for a reason of course, isn't that obvious?) If only I could turn back time, I'd wanna do my 1st 3 months again... It's like being a baby but yet you can choose to do everything you love...

Susan Boyle

Many dreamt of "The Moment" in their lifetime. Some bear hopes and dreams that one day they will walk up the stage or down the aisle and be the centre of attraction. Kelly Clarkson, upon winning the first American Idol, went on to sing what seems like the most apt song for her - A Moment Like This.

A Moment like this.
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this.
Some people search forever for that one special kiss.
I cant believe its happening to me.
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this.


Over the past few years, I've always watched these talent search shows with a pinch of salt because the Singaporean version never quite turned out too fantastic and I was never quite encouraged me to even participate (yes, there's a trapped star in me dying to shine...) But nevertheless, moments of William Hung and Connie Talbot does provide that bit of entertainment we need to brighten up our lives. When we first looked at William Hung or Connie Talbot, we know exactly what we are expecting due to their images - A nerdy wannabe who can't sing for nuts and a beautiful little girl with an exceptional voice respectively. But Susan Boyle gives the saying "Never Judge A Book By Its Cover" a whole new meaning. Putting aside your discriminating and judging look, open up your ears, enjoy the video. She had the moment of her lifetime... Whether if she eventually got her recording contract, this was the moment that no one cared how she looks like but purely and genuinely, appreciates her voice. Susan Boyle, you go girl!

Cannonbola Run

After the last weekend of helping a friend out at the booth of Poni Band at Suntec City, I had an allergy attack that hindered my ability to think cohesively and thought blogging would be absolutely disastrous. So while waiting for the body to recover from all the flowing mucus, tattered nose and groggy mind, I rested this place as well. To mark the end of the episode, I was "car-bound" for a few days.

A couple of friends had decided to do a Cannonbola Run which is essential a long drive through highways and B-roads for a few days. Moody Penguin on ransom of 1 instant mee goreng, has sold his approval to Dentist Wuuu Wuuu that we'll head up with the rest for the trip, putting Moody on potential perils and opened a hell lot of fun for the both of us.

When the bell rang for our 8th month anniversary, we took off for a 2D 2N drive in Malaysia. It was an endurance drive with extremely interesting people. The sounds from the comms set is still ringing in my ear, "oncoming black car in 200m then clear clear clear..." Our beachfront hotel in Kuantan was breathtaking, not that we had any chance to enjoy. After more than 12 hours drive, Moody Penguin fell flat after lunch and a good shower.

The short stopover at KL gave some of them a decent break - massages for the guys (including Xiaohong) and shopping for the girls. For Moody Penguin and myself, spending some "Snugtime" walking around KL. Must say, it was a fulfilling trip...

Buffet

"Boo-fay" or "Buff-fay" or even "Buff-fat", whichever way you call it, by buffet in this particular article, the reference is to the unlimited amount of food served in a place for a fixed sum of money per person. In short, it's "all you can eat". Although it has never attracted me, I must say the range at The Line at Shangri-La and the Sunday Champagne Brunch over at Ritz Carlton. You are not only spoilt for choices but the quality of the food isn't compromised just because it's a buffet. To be fair, they do come with a more interesting price tag.

Before I go on, you might wish to read this article on this chap who's complaining about an oyster buffet running out of oysters. What cracked me up and got me thinking was a comment posted at the bottom and it went, "Why so Kiasu? Is there a need to tell the whole world this? It's perfectly normal for a restaurant to run out of Oysters when there are so many tables full of people like you. Oysters do not fall from the sky, they need to be havested. Just because it's a buffet does not mean that they have the Oyster farm in their backyard. Things do run out and they often do. Be real. In any case, each of you did 6 runs of 4 oysters and a 7th of 3, means that you had 27 oysters, which is more than what I consume in a 6 months period. All that for only $38++/person, and not including the free fingers that you were offered. I think you have gotten your money worth. Be satisfied."

To a certain extent, I do agree that the restaurant should have more than sufficient to go around if they were to offer a buffet menu and should turn down customers should they find themselves low on their resources. On the other hand, I felt that the restaurant manager has also extended their apology in an appropriate way. If that chap is unhappy with the offer, he could have told them that he'll come back another day for more oysters probably for another 3 servings or something. I'm sure the restaurant can come up with some form of satisfactory compromise or compensation. All he did in his article is to purely show the ugly side of him wanting to get the most out of the money that he paid for. I guess in a way we all do but the approach just sounds wrong and reflects really badly on him.

Now, I'm craving for some good oysters...

Closing Down

Due to high levels of stress in my personal life and at work, I no longer have any passion to blog. Hence, my decision to close this blog down. Over the past years/months, I'm really thankful for people who have visited this blog on a regular basis. This blog has always served as an outlet for me and my emotions. My tears and anger are often translated into cryptic messages. Just for an official closing... I love you guys!

P.S. To my FatShark Guru and whoever is interested, the above was my April Fools' Day joke... Sorry FS. I even brought this joke to a bigger magnitude with you on MSN. I was feeling down but not to the extend of closing this outlet. Ha!

Sorry B and everyone else, didn't meant it in an emotional blackmail way. Was feeling down and a sense of alternative corniness yesterday.

Job Seeking Trauma And Fun

In an attempt to hunt for a reasonably good job that keeps me car moving and my interest flowing, I found myself clicking on the "Careers" button on Facebook. Due to my extreme lack of technical skills, I could offer nothing but possibly Human Resource skills. They do not have a job listed but instead, there was a link that guided me to an array of problems with their difficulty levels pegged. There were even a list of people who got hired because they solved the problems. So if you need a job, start solving some problems.

By the way, is anyone in pharmaceutical sales?

Imposter Syndrome

Found something interesting today. Have you ever heard of this syndrome called "The Imposter Syndrome"? According to Wikipedia, this syndrome is more common among women and in a gist, sufferers are unable to reconcile their successes/achievements/accomplishments and more often, they will dismiss it as luck. Not wanting to sound like a Münchausen victim but there are some instances in like where I felt that I don't deserve what I'm having. Although I always thought I've always been the most unlucky person around, I also recognise that I must be storing some good luck if I am where I am today. BUT I'm not having Imposter syndrome because I too acknowledge that I did put in the hard work that brought about some of the good things in life.

If you read my blog regularly, just take this post as one of my mindless rantings. I've been moping around with stupid thoughts that maybe I don't deserve what I have and what I have really isn't what I have. This sounds crazy, even to me. I wanted to say "ignore me" but by blogging this, I'm not exactly asking to be ignored, am I? Just one of the days...

I want to be the star that I believe I am. I want to be the star I know I can be. Where can I start finding the light source to keep the star shining?

What Women Want

Life's full of jigsaw puzzle pieces with jagged and rough edges and because there are not fixed rules and manner on how we should finish the jigsaw, we try in our every might to complete the picture. Inevitably, little spaces between the edges need to be filled up. Just like in every relationship, at most times it's not about the big things that you do but also the little things which it's not unsafe for us to term them simple pleasures in life (provided that they are things that brings smiles to our faces). So what do women really want in a relationship excluding the big pieces, just focusing on the little pieces that fills up the gaps?

- A hug from nowhere. Even if all you wanted to do is to sleep or get on with other things in life, taking that extra 10 seconds to hug the love of your life will mean more than the world to her.

- Call her even when you have nothing to tell her in particular. Need not be sweet nothings but just a call to ask how she's doing will definitely bring a smile to her face. And no matter how busy a woman is, she will always make time for the man she loves. If she's genuinely busy, she will call you back. Trust me!

- Spend a day of doing nothing. It's not about the swanky parties or expensive dinners, it's all about the quality time. The together time. The "Snug" time.

- Appreciate the little things she does. If you know she's more forgiving of you than she really should be, acknowledge that.

- Let her know she's not being taken for granted.

- Ex-girlfriends for friends is cool. Ex-girlfriends for confidante is NOT COOL at all.

- Reinstating point 1, hug her from behind. The closeness is usually unsurpassable.

- Compliment on how she looks. You do not need to lie. If the radioactive green is ugly, tell her maybe ruby red is better BUT she's got either nice shoes or hair though. I'm sure there's something you can compliment on. She doesn't need to know she's the prettiest girl in the universe but she needs to know she's beautiful in YOUR eyes.

- Run your hands through her hair. Smell her.

- She wants you to know she's the best thing that ever happened to you and you need to recognise that.

- Tell her what you're thinking even though you aren't even sure what you're thinking.

Lastly, if you love her, tell her... But only if you really mean it.

Earth Hour

Since young, I've been encouraged to be more environmentally friendly and even went home from school one day, forcing my parents to buy a CFC-free fridge. In every little way I can, I try in my mini might to do what I can. Being absolutely truthful, I'm not an angel and I'm not one who would go all out to do something big to make THE sort of difference. Though genuinely touched by marketing one-liners like, "The earth belongs to all of us..." etc, I've never been able to proactively campaign for any "Save The Earth" movement.

Here comes the chance for all of us to do something. I can't guarantee that I'll do that but I'll try. I'm sure many of you would have heard of Earth Hour organised by World Wildlife Fund. Whereever you are, just turn off your lights. Details as follows:

Date: 28th March 2009 Saturday
Time: 8.30 to 9.30pm Local time



You will not be the only idiot dining in the dark for 1 hour. World class landmarks will also join in this protest to vote for earth. In 2008, buildings like Empire State Building in New York City, Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, Sydney Opera House, London City Hall and the Colosseum in Rome, amng many others turned off all their non-essential lighting during the last Saturday of March 2008 between 8.30-9.30pm. this is not too difficult and let's hope we can do out bit for the land we live on. It's like paying rental but only this, happens just once a year.

Life in Snugathology

Was trying to sound smart and at the same time, was deciphering life. While trying to recall how the song Beautiful Boy by John Jennon goes, I stumbled on the lyrics and in which, this is quotable "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." As I thought it might be useful to some people around me, I came up with my very own quote about life and what I think of it.

"Life is what life brings us when life is what we bring to life."

A little along the line of "Do unto others what you want others to do unto you..."

What is life to you?

To me, only when you give, you receive. When you're ready to receive, just keep your arms open and things will fall into place. Or so I believe...