Yes, I'm that close to 30. But not quite...

Now! That's a party!



Finally, it's the end of yet another decade and another last 365 days before I hit the BIG 3. At some point before I hit the sack last night, I slump into some kind of very superbly mild depression. More of a moment of "mid-life crisis menopausal mood change". I felt old and thought, if only life could be simpler. If not for all the complication, would my life be more peaceful and settled? Everything seems to be hanging around in the air. It doesn't stink, or rather, the air smells good but it's still the air.

Doesn't matter because I'm a happy girl today. I refused to be called a woman until I'm 30 and I have got another year to go. I'm a big big girl, in a big big world...

Weirdly enough, I'm dying to get dead drunk some time this week.

My Potato & Egg Salad

Years back, whenever there's a party over at KTM Yacht's place, there would be copious amount of food, drinks (both alcoholic and non-alcoholic) and cigars. Now that everyone is apart and I've lost total contact with almost everyone in that group, apart from all the fun and laughter that still lingers at the back of my head, KTM Yacht's Mom's wicked potato salad lived on in my memories. So days ago, I decided to make some for myself. Afterall, it can be refrigerated and be eaten for the next few days. And since I'm home most of the time, having something delicious to munch on is always a good idea. Then again, the fact that it's extremely unhealthy makes it a love and hate relationship.

While I start with the intention to make potato salad, I ended up with Potato & Egg Salad since I added a little too many eggs into the equation. Frankly, I never work with recipes and I wasn't working on any. But when I added everything together, I knew I'm going to have an egg-ified potato salad. Fresh bacon bits could have made it yummier but it was a trial. Thankfully, it turned out alright. It's just potatoes, eggs, onions and bacon. How bad can it get? Well, the onions are alot more pungent than I'd like it to be and now my fridge smells like durians galore. No one's complaining so I guess that's a good sign.

Creating Dreams

Cakes have always been the age old celebratory tool we have all enjoyed and experienced too many times in our lifetime. Be it birthdays or weddings, it is a must. From old pictures, I had my first birthday cake shaped after the number "1". Subsequently, birthday cakes for me became smaller or in recent years, non-existent. The design of cakes, however, did not stop at traditional designs which we now consider it to be cheesy.

While surfing local confectionary sites, I salivated not at my favourite passion fruit meringue which my loveliest Meiren Cousin got me for my birthday a couple of years back, I was going through pictures of their amazing combinations of croquembouche and cupcakes. Although I've always wondered why have they not ventured into croquembouche of macarons, the gallery was enough to keep me busy for a while.

As my excitement level grew, I decided to feast my eyes with more beautiful pictures of confectionary, cakes in particular. Our very own talent, Cheryl Shuen, has never failed to amaze me time and again. If Vera Wang is to wedding gowns, Cheryl Shuen is to wedding confectionary in Singapore. I have to say that her popularity has a part to play in limiting her creativity but I'm always excited to see her new masterpieces on her blog. Essentially, she's selling a dream. A very beautiful dream that most brides & grooms would want her touch on their cake if given no limiting budget.

To not sound like a frog in my own well, I have seen even crazier, prettier designs and some are out of this world. They make you gasp for air and will catch you lost for your own words. But given the stifling environment in Singapore and the high cost of setting up a business, it's amazing that she was not discouraged then and went on to make a name for herself in the industry. For that, I have to applaud her courage and genuine ability. This girl is selling not just cakes but dreams and hopes. Even being able to see her finished work on her blog forces me to have nothing but respect and of course, much smiles every now and then when I return for a visit. Looking at her cakes make me happy.

Return of the Twitter

There's a slight revamp to this blog. Irrelevant information has been removed. Twitter is back... So are my rantings!

In the new year, I'll try to upload more pictures after I finally figure out how to extract the pictures from my iPhoto! I'm a new Mac convert and still am an IT idiot. It takes a while... Not too long I hope. Bear with me for the time being.

If you're reading this off Facebook, do check out my blog when the writings become incoherent cuz it might be over a picture or a video that I grumble about. During other times, I'm just being myself by being incoherent. The auto upload doesn't allow me to sift and select which are the posts to have it on Facebook and which else not to, and if you happen to know how to, please let me know.

First Discovery For 2010

Call me a hermit but I have never liked to get myself in amidst of Orchard Road on a weekend. The crowd never fails to make me think I'm having an anaphylactic shock. The heat along the street melts me as I stroll down looking for the next ice cream seller and with KWD looking for his regular fix of Starbucks. The past couple of weekends of mine were all in town for one reason or another. Admittedly, one of the few reasons were either Kate Spade inside Takashimaya or Miu Miu over at Paragon or Ion.

Yesterday, we decided to check out new territories. So off we trotted to the brand new mall, 313. The moment we stepped in, yet another Epicentre greeted us. That kept us busy for the next 15 mins or so even though we came from Wheelock and Ion. For a moment, we wanted to skip basement altogether thinking it'd probably only lead to the subway. I couldn't have been more wrong and I'm thankful I felt a little more adventurous that day.

The moment I got off the escalator, a familiar name blinded my eyes. It read, "Lemongrass House". As I walked it, I knew it was the same place I visited in Phuket years ago. Then, I had to drive a couple of hours from where I stayed at Karon Beach in search for this Lemongrass House. The rest was history and a basketload of "victory". The owners were a couple, what is commonly known as a farang in Thai, it was a Caucasian man who married a Thai wife. There in Phuket, they started their aromathepeutic spa products. My favourite were in the flavours of lavender and lemongrass. Subsequently, I had to sift through the thousands of stalls in Chatuchak (Bangkok) for their branch but to no avail. And many years later, I finally found it on our little island.

Although the prices are steeper as compared to when I got it in Phuket, inflation and rental did play a big part. Even then, I was happy to finally be able to get my hands on them. The only piece missing right now is to make another trip back to the same ol' Phuket store and check it out again and to see if they have modernised with the rest of the world like the shops in Singapore.

Happy 2010

In 2007, same time of the year, I forced myself to dress up for a party when I was in Manhattan. I was down with viral fever and the aches were killing me. It felt miserable in winter and being all alone in the apartment surely didn't help. I needed to get out! I did and the night wasn't as fun as I anticipated it to be but my aches were gone. Partying helps I suppose.

This is 2009. I'm down with viral fever again! The aches are killing me. I couldn't sleep in peace last night. Dreams plagued the night. Stinky perspiration soaked the bedsheets. Goosebumps can be spotted everywhere on my body. My back hurts. My arse hurts. My skin hurts. My bones hurt. This feels too miserable. I'm beginning to think, viral fever loves welcoming the new year.

I hope that's the last of the suffering that's going to happen in 2009 and 2010 will just be a fantastic year. All the aches and pain will be left here in 2009 and we're not bringing any along. 2010 will be absolutely wonderful.

Go attend a party or something and get your arse out of the house!

Limping With Fear

When you feel life has finally taken a right turn, your worst suspicions come falling down on you. You become the worst of your nightmares. You slump into the further abyss of no return. Fear becomes the most cruel of all murderers. Doubts about the rest of the world falls on you all at once. Tears become the first thing to hide and being strong is inevitable. Self protection mechanism kicks in almost immediately.

Powerless is the only emotion. Prayers are like crutches enabling you to walk. How far is this journey going to be?

Merry Christmas!

This has got to be one of the best Christmas by far given the turbulent year that precedes it. Started from the Christmas service last Sunday at the Singapore Indoor Stadium. The message wasn't as powerful as what it was like last year but I firmly believe that 2010 is going to be an excellent year.

A birthday surprise began the night and spending some time just sitting around with friends was already more than what I could ask for. A "budgeted" dinner turned out to be hilarious as usual. The usual quips sent laughter filling up the room. Coupled with great food, the evening just got better. For us, the night couldn't possibly end without some singing and alcohol. The presence of KWD just completed the best picture.

My night didn't end there because I'm a very talkative drunk. The evil concoction of insufficient sleep and alcohol didn't stop the inaudible mumbling. Don't ask me what I said because I don't remember but I genuinely believe I would only tell the truth when I have too much to drink. It's the only time when you let go of all your inhibitions and nothing holds you back from what you never dared to bring it beyond your lips. Fortunately, only KWD got to hear all the rubbish that would have sounded nonsensical to any bystander.

All in all, it was a great night out and I'm already looking forward to Christmas dinner tonight.

Cooking & Chomping

May I just say the worst part of cooking is the cleaning up? Putting some system into place did made things easier. I've been unofficially appointed as the chef for the household... Well, not everyday that is. That's what chefs do right? All they do is to instruct the cooks and watch on. Jokes aside, I've always been someone who enjoys cooking on a whole. Being able to put a smile on the face of your loved ones when they chomp down on your cooking speaks volume. Admittedly, they are not of restaurant standard but the effort that is put into the preparation process, down to the size of the carrot and potato bits requires more than just attention. Geared with the thought of wanting the best for the end diner, no amount of hard work is too much. It is more than sheer fortune to be able to prepare just a simple dinner. On a normal workday, by the time the work day ends, all we can think of is some warm food in the tummy.

Take a day off and cook a simple dinner for your family or that special person. I just had a rewarding experience so I'm urging you to do something for yourself by getting you to do something for the people around you. All you need in return is a smile at the end of the dinner and it's all worth the while.

The Wedding Planner

Staying at home and leading the tai tai life isn't as fun as I thought it'd be. Fair enough, I got rid of the dark circles and eventually paid up all the sleep debt. It was just pure boredom after the eyes reopen, more often than not, to the mid afternoon sun. Overly subscribed to Facebook, the meaning to life is running on reserves. The weekly basketball game is barely keeping the spirit alive. You know you have arrived at the peak of boredom when you go into planning for a wedding that hasn't got a date. Which got me thinking... How would my wedding be like?

To satisfy the folks, the dinner cannot be shelved. The money needs to be spent! Have I not mention that there's a vulgar amount of money involved in weddings? I wouldn't dare start looking at the numbers. So the dinner will be the way to end the day and what will start it then? The usual traditional stuffs with the gatecrashing and tea ceremony. To avoid a logistical nightmare, minimal traveling is required and one location is hence, preferred. The solemnisation must be squeezed in no matter what. So a small affair by the pool is in the plans and only immediate family will be involved. Friends will still be invited for the dinner. As though the day doesn't sound packed enough, there will be a full 9 or 10 course dinner minus off the sharks' fins.

Now, there's so much talks and plans, there's no date but that shouldn't stop you from saving up if you think you're gonna get invited eventually.

See! I'm truly overcome by boredom.

X It All

Shock took over and being left stranded wasn't fun. Recovery actions were taken and survival came into play. The fight to keep the head above water began. The frustration of helplessness continued. The desperation was beyond words.

As though miserable was a word insufficient to describe the innermost, digging deeper into the other unseen, unsaid, unannounced wound doesn't seem to numb any pain.

The clicks that were normally avoided were explored out of boredom. The sheer information screamed into the face. The status was spelled with OUCH in CAPS. Hiding became an option. Insanity and thinking excessively was separated by only one thin line. The next click was on the big X on the top left hand corner.

Maybe sleep can bring everything away... Maybe... Just maybe...

Gone, Not Lost.

请容许我 小小的骄傲
因为有你这样的依靠

Nightmares of losing a loved one always comes when you least expects it. The fear of losing somebody really dear to our hearts will inevitably send tears running down the cheeks. The struggle to wake up from the dream with the choked sobbing is one of my worst experience but my inability to describe how desperate one actually feels is preventing this post from continuing. During the days when I wake up trying to find that familiar backview and that snoring that I grew so used to, I find my pillows actually covered in tears. It was almost like the person was there 5 seconds ago before you realise it's all gone. The pain starts to prick you. Beautiful memories then start to heal the wound and you have a scar to show it all off with. The pain will soon be long gone before another bout of familiarity hits you.The fragility of the scar that has just recovered will be back to haunt you every now and then. It's only there's a special phone whereby you can pick up without speaking and your thoughts would all be conveyed through the comfortable yet stinging silence.



等下一个天亮 把偷拍我看海的照片送我好吗
我喜欢我飞舞的头发
和飘着雨还是眺望的眼光

用简单的言语 解开超载的心
有些情绪 是该说给 懂的人听
你的热泪 比我激动怜惜
我发誓要更努力 更有勇气

Live Like You Were Dying

One of my all time favourites by the husband of Faith Hill who sang my "White Knight" song, "This Kiss". Tim McGraw and Faith hill has always given me the impression that they were simple country people making great music and this song can't be more meaningful. The full song can be accessed by this link. They refused the embedding request hence the above "LIVE" clip. The 2007 show, "The Bucket List" is one that I haven't got a chance to catch so if you happen to have the DVD, please send it this way, I promise to return it! This is a great song and if you pay some attention to the lyrics, you'll know what I mean.

He said I was in my early forties, with a lot of life before me
And one moment came that stopped me on a dime
I spent most of the next days, looking at the x-rays
Talking bout' the options and talking bout' sweet times.
I asked him when it sank in, that this might really be the real end
How's it hit 'cha when you get that kind of news?
Man what did ya do?
He said

I went skydiving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'
And he said some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'

He said I was finally the husband, that most the time I wasn't
And I became a friend, a friend would like to have
And all of a sudden goin' fishin, wasn't such an imposition
And I went three times that year I lost my dad
Well I finally read the good book, and I took a good long hard look
At what I'd do if I could do it all again

Like tomorrow was the end
And ya got eternity to think about what to do with it
What should you do with it
What can I do with it
What would I do with it

Skydiving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And man I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I watched an eagle as it was flyin'
And he said some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'


There's just so much to life that we need to grasp. We don't have that much time to be upset or indecisive. Do we really take it for granted that we're all going to live a ripe old age and hopefully by then, things fall into place nicely. There are just things in life you'll lose it if you don't grab it. Once you have let it go, you won't pick it up again and your life will eventually be laden with regrets. But as human beings, we never quite learn and we do it again. If only we are kids once again and learn how it is like to fall and not kick the same brick again.

If we have the courage to put down everything and do what we've always wanted to do so we'll die with no regrets, will we lead a more fulfilled life? Or does it take a death sentence to bring us to realisation that life is that fragile afterall?

Do you have a bucket list? Please don't pass me "The 1000 places to visit before you die" because unless you have that bank account to support your craziness, crap doesn't quite qualify to be in your bucket list. Maybe some things on the wish list aren't as simple to fulfil. Maybe some can't be bought with money. But as the song goes, you can try to love deeper and speak sweeter. The happiness that you bring on to others may just be unmeasurable.

Bliss

Mothers do go through more than 12 hours of labour. Surely, that shocked me. Mom told me I took about 5 hours so I must have been a really impatient baby. Earlgrey Junior "launched" this morning so congratulations to Mr & Mrs Earlgrey and to B cuz he can save his huge red packet up until the next 1212 baby.

Family values has always been important to me and relationships with my cousins have always been an integral part of my life. An unexpected turnout over dinner last night brought me back to the family bliss that tends to occur only once a year during Chinese New Year. Corny jokes and excessive food was part of the package, as usual. The introduction of a potentially permanent member brought about moments of forks pointing in my direction and being held down by my uncle and cousins despite my injured ankle. As much as it sounds like a torture session, I couldn't have been happier. Things seem complete apart from the "when's your turn?" questions. Discussions on other people's wedding dinners were gently avoided. If only Grandma's here to see all the smiles and laughters...

Bliss is exactly what surrounds me now and I can't possibly ask for more.

This Kiss

A great workout every week is something I really look forward to so that I can sweat it out and burn some fats. My weekly basketball session became very much therapeutic. Having rested for years, I finally got myself to shoot some hoops in hope that the knee has healed itself over the years. So far, they have been behaving themselves and not been giving me much problems. Last night, I had to land on someone's foot after scoring a beautiful one (to me at least). When I heard the ankle crackling as I landed, I knew I'll be having some difficulties walking for the next few days. True enough, I couldn't walk at all and had to rest. Being the stubborn me, I went back into the game as soon as I could walk. It has proved to be a bad idea. Now I have an ankle that looks like an elephant's. But it's all because of the ankle, I had a white knight who rushed to my rescue the moment he knew I was in pain. How can one be more thankful?

I don't want another heartbreak
I don't need another turn to cry
I don't want to learn the hard way
Baby, hello, oh, no, goodbye
But you got me like a rocket
Shooting straight across the sky

It's the way you love me
It's a feeling like this
It's centrifugal motion
It's perpetual bliss

Cinderella said to Snow White
How does love get so off course
All I wanted was a white knight
With a good heart, soft touch, fast horse

Ride me off into the sunset
Baby, I'm forever yours

阿嬤的白頭髮

Spring cleaning can't be completed in a day. Tested and proven. Just the wardrobe alone, left piles of unpacked clothings on the bed, leaving myself only a tiny corner of this seemingly comfy bed. Too many things in our lives might take a while to get spring cleaned but there's also the likelihood that we'll just give up and stop packing altogether. Is not packing and living with the dust an option? Actually, all that needs to be done is a little dusting and wiping, ain't it? It is not in anyone else's prerogative to judge on whether others should clean up their room I suppose.

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just dont see the signs
I know that its out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

It's amazing how a single question can throw one off balance. The fortress seem to have opened itself up to be attacked openly and no one is to blame because the reason for such vulnerable exposure is purely because of your very own acceptance and willingness. Let's just say...

Every morning on the way to work, I'd expect PIE to be jammed up. When it isn't, it's a bonus. But why does it have to be jammed? Am I not longing to have just one last trip that it's clear? But maybe I shouldn't expect too much and live with the traffic jam. Whoever will understand the pain of getting stuck? Everyone is in their very own jam.

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

Just when I feel I need the refuge, this video made me behave like a child again. I went back to my bed and countless pillows, alone... Like what Meiren said, we're both 阿嬤的心肝. Every word touched the most sensitive part of me. Tears became uncontrollable.

Urgh!

How can one explain frustration beyond a normal person's limits? The line broke. Or maybe it just almost because I've yet to blow it. Reshuffling the thoughts with some deep breaths, the warmth of another was so much needed. And this was having only taken 10 steps into a full day of anticipated excitement. Right...

I'm really trying to piece my thoughts together... This is not going to be coherent.

Way Back Into Love

One of my all-time favourites...




I've been living with a shadow over head
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just dont see the signs
I know that its out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not just somebody to get me through the night
I could use some direction, and I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And If I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I dont know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration, not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And If I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

In Search For Perfection

Triggered a brainstorm within myself after reading this article on Diva and the comments on it, were priceless.

More often, women find themselves searching for "The One". I tend to disagree that we are in search for the perfect man. That said, there are a few criteria to be fulfilled. Wrong? No and let me explain why.

As most of us have heard at least once in our lifetime, Mom knows better. Geared with the natural instinct to only want the best for their children, Moms tend to be a little too conservative and over the top when it comes to protecting their "herd". However, the truth is usually not far. Only when certain factors are stable, love can continue to grow into life and commitment. Instability will brew undesirable arguements.

On the contrary, looking for a man more superior should not be one of the criteria but instead, looking for an equal should be the basic benchmark. At least to me, the guidelines are as such and Mom did play a part in building them up.

1. A stable job/career - Without this, life would be tough. Inevitably, women tend to seek some form of stability because the foresight of trouble usually brews from inconsistency. A man who plans ahead with some responsibilities would be in a better position to be able to provide the companionship to plan a lifetime with you.

2. Filial - Only when a person who looks after his kins will he be able to provide the necessary support for his family. 'Nuff said.

3. Sanely Communicative - Without communication, relationships are headed for doom be it at work or in your personal life. It takes 2 to tango and that is a fact of life that will never change. And by communication, honesty is imperative.

The rest are minor and highly subjective. It's essentially the reason why some people end up with some and not the others.

Life can be weird sometimes...

Life's Monopoly

It's been a long day and I should be hitting the sack. But before I do so, just felt the need to "scribble" something.

Some days can be just so simple and happy. To not be bothered by hardship beyond one's control, the next best thing is to have a open mind and just live life as it comes. Carpe diem!

It's already a year since Baby Aidan reported to earth. The celebration was pretty much categorised into:

1. Men - The photographers
2. Kids - Monkeying around
3. Women - Fussing around the topic of handbags

The scratch on Babe's pink Birkin sent a strange bout of pain into the hearts of the all the girls present. Pictures were demanded to be taken without the ugly socks. Food were excessive because the kids were too busy playing. Conversations were uber enjoyable because the crowd was right. Initiation of the new member was prematured yet aptly timed. Smiles never left the corners of the mouth.

The second birthday celebration was filled with excessive women talking about wedding and the preparations. The hassle and the constant discussion put Attituder and myself wondering if a better time to discuss would be nearer a wedding that is closer to our hearts. Over the years of hearing people getting married within lightning speed of knowing one another always drew skeptical opinions. Myplyn was unfazed and tied the knot earlier this year. Until now, it was almost like the smile on her beautiful face never faded since her wedding day and she was all out to prove the rest of the world wrong. According to her, it's all about finding the right person. Again, do we really know who's the right person?

Life has played its fair share of games with me. Let's hope it's not yet another game of monopoly where there's only one winner and the misery goes round and round with the pining hope that we never ever get the "Go Straight To Jail".

Careless Tears are Unnecessary

As I was watching this clip, a comment rang out. "Careless tears are unnecessary"

How many times when people are in love and they swear never to hurt the other person? Admittedly, some hurts are not deliberate. But have we ever considered the carelessness in causing tears and pain in the other person?

Beginning of the End; End of the Beginning

If there's a climax to the song from my previous post, it's got to be...

到现在还是一个人 吞噬着自己的能耐
到最後我可以不爱了 你却说舍不得

你可以不爱了 别说舍不得

Starting from Friday evening, the weekend began with an anticipated yet unexpected dinner. The smiles that vanished for a while, came back for a visit. The retarded exploration melted some ice. The comfortably paced night brought about 2 consecutive drinking sessions. The drinking only made me realise how predictable I am and how hopeless I am with drinking games. Bystanders could even guess whether my next call was 5 or 10. It was THAT easy to read me.

Saturday was your typical day of rotting away except that in the life of a person who has petrol running in her bloodstream, it will mean spending hours at the workshop but not doing anything to the car. Little Tristan started the day with exceptional fun and a little too much gummies. Running into familiar faces at BVO wasn't that much of a thing from the past. And being carless for the rest of the day wasn't that bad of a thing afterall. Dinner was getting better with curry that wasn't as spicy and tummy wasn't as affected. Maybe it's about getting used to the new flavours.

Some smell just lingers beyond words.

可以不爱了

There isn't a more apt song out there. On a rainy night, the song accentuated the chills. The determination to not pick up my 3 minutes of "oxygen" was perpetuated with yet another can of iced cold Coke. The excess sugars kept the energy going.



Unlike B in terms of the same war we had to fight, the whistle to end the game of the tug of war just fails to go off. As much as autumn is coming to an end and the last season of the year is looming, Spring still appears to be too far away for comfort. Some warmth is very much longed for. A hot chocolate overdosed with marshmallows by the fireplace... Enviable.

让窗户通通都打开 让阳光通通都照进来
让风放肆的吹伞我身上的尘埃
把你的过去变腐坏 把你的溺爱藏起来
把你的所有都搬到我房间以外

现在是三点钟 你应该还没醒呢
这有点刺眼的光线 会不会打扰你呢
梦不会实现了 我应该要醒了
我不该只懂得配合 你习惯短暂的温热

我努力要自己避开 和你曾走过的地带
但是又和不舍拉扯 处在我快乐的界外
我何尝不是一个人 来决定爱的延长赛
奈何总是勉强对自己 有一个善良的交代

我努力要自己躲开 你给我的伤心地带
但是又和失去拉扯 得到的全都是意外
到现在还是一个人 吞噬着自己的能耐
到最後我可以不爱了 你却说舍不得

离开你欲走还留的眼睛
我要我忍住在一次抱你
躲开你转身以後的消息
这一次我可以

After an eventful afternoon getting stuck behind standstill traffic only to realise I'm in the middle of a newsflash worthy flood. Late for my appointment, I managed to do more than I initially intended and could ever bargained for. 2 coffee sessions before I finally went for the prearranged appointment which was supposedly due a couple of hours before. Catching up with people I rarely have a chance to meet up with nowadays given the crazy schedules I've been running, the day off was well worth it despite the unexpected adventure. Speaking of unexpected, the hug received today felt so reassuring, it was kinda weird. I can't explain it but... comforting. It's almost like the giver was telling me "I know, I know. Everything will be fine."

我努力要自己避开 和你曾走过的地带
但是又和不舍拉扯 处在我快乐的界外
我努力要自己躲开 你给我的伤心地带
但是又和失去拉扯 得到的全都是意外
到现在还是一个人 吞噬着自己的能耐
到最後我可以不爱了 你却说舍不得
你可以不爱了 别说舍不得

To do the one thing that we knew till this point of time, time and current doesn't allow, we shall believe it'll happen someday. Will that day come?

2012

2012 marks the third movie and the situation couldn't have been more complicated. It was almost like bringing humanity to an end but you have a leader of the show who wasn't at all the leader of the ship, putting everything to a halt just for the preservation of humanity. But has anyone given much thought what is humanity. At a time like that, what's the likelihood of selflessness? Every man for himself. No?

The weekend started officially on Thursday night since Friday was day off. The beer got the conversations going. The warmth of the body softens the frozen heart. Any form of defence became entirely useless. The tsunami in the brain roars with fury. The unrest continues.

The dollar sign has finally sat in with a resounding "ka-ching" and biting the big toe real hard. Some compromises can only be temporal and before the rain becomes the millenium flood, the dam needs to close and conserve. This dam is closed for serious renovation.

Did I forget to mention, John Cusack is HOT!

http://edition.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/Movies/11/16/2012.box.office/index.html

Love, Sex & Lies

Men have sex before they are willing to love.

Women need love before they are willing to have sex.

Is it true?

Does guilt ever eat a man up at some point in time? Or maybe they are just indifferent to whether they love or they don't.

Are tears the prerogative of women?

Men usually underestimate.

Women tend to overestimate.

Again, is this true?

We're all bothered, eaten up and frustrated by the above statements at some point in time and no matter how indifferent you may be.

Human beings live in lies. Some chose it as a lifestyle, others live in denial. Refusal to lies may be a form of denial because the truth might never come to light as long as the intent to keep lying remains. Some of us are just naive and choose to walk the park that doesn't route back to the beginning, neither does it lead to a destination. The blind walks on...

Hotel Re!Connect

By sleeping the entire Friday off, I thought the weekend was over. I know some of you out there are cursing and swearing but trust me, it's a well deserved break I gave myself and in layman's term, we call that "ANNUAL LEAVE". Having to run back to the office to grab my Mac (Yes, stupid me brought the work lappy home and left the personal one at work), the rest of the day was just lazy. The thunderstorm made it perfect for an afternoon nap, though it was longer than a regular nap.

Upon waking up, I realised part of the "Playground" were heading for dinner. In desperate need for food, I arrived at a table of prawn shells! Nevertheless, I had another serving of prawns which BMer was trying to deprive me of and dinner was complete. We proceeded to Hotel Re! @ Pearl's Hill where the rest joined us. The turnup was pleasantly unexpected and the place wasn't really made to accommodate that huge a crowd. On top of that, when Snugloft doesn't go to KPO, KPO came to Snugloft at Hotel Re. Tonight was surprisingly, without much alcohol. The fruit juices made it seem like we were on some detox program. Then again, 10 buckets of beer was enough to keep the toxic ones happy. The lineup of E92, E90, E46, GT3, S2000 made Kokoro look puny. King of Mount Mahjong's comment, "when you're used to driving the 335 and you get behind the wheel of the GTi, the car felt like it wasn't moving" made me wonder if I should laugh or cry. Having said that, I'm still happy with Kokoro. I totally understood where he came from because when I switched from Kokoro to Moody and back to Kokoro, the turbo lag almost made me cry. Thus, the new Z4 35i, preferably juiced, is part of the dream to be fulfilled in the near future. However, I must qualify that Kokoro is still a good boy despite the fact that he drinks engine oil like tap water.

Rare guests like TripleM and Lampung Prince graced our event tonight. Lampung Prince just got back to town today and it was so good to see him again. Hearing his words of concern directly from him warms the heart. When you know someone out there still cares about your well being, you will start to realise the importance of friends. Sending him home was naturally my pleasure. (Lampung Prince, I know you'll be reading this and I just wanna say thanks.)

The initial suggestion to speak Mandarin the entire night obviously didn't work, otherwise A&E Quack would have died from the penalties. Speaking of which, the leftover beers were apt punishments for the card game between Poker King & BMer. All in all, I had an almost alcohol free (unimaginable with BMer around) night but fun wasn't excluded from the equation.

Running into BloodRed at the "birds won't lay eggs" kinda place was a bonus.

Dinner & Dance & Copious Amount of Alcohol

In my entire 28 years, I've never had much luck in lucky draws or lottery. Last night was no exception. Out of approximately 200 people, there was in excess of 100 prizes and non of them came to me. Point proven.

Just when I thought the night has come to an end with an early morning in the extreme west of Singapore at the back of my mind, all car keys were summoned to be pooled together and the drinking began. Before today, I thought my department is full of drinkers and after today, I now know that the entire company drinks. To be fair, there were just a bunch of us who were crazy enough to stay back and drown all our happiness or sorrow with copious amount of alcohol. Thankfully, when the time to return home came, all were sober enough to drive with the help of some hot caffeine in the system. All in all, the laughter is something that would make it hard to forget.

But I must say, the best dressed department must come from the most innovative group of people. The Jacksons 5+2 was the highlight for everyone present. Thumbs up!

My only worry now is to get to the port at the other extreme end of Singapore by 8.30am which is just a few hours away and I'm nothing close to sleeping within the next few minutes. The wakeboarding documentary on National Geographic will keep me awake at least for the next hour or so. The residual alcohol in my system will probably make it hard for me to wake up on time in a few hours' time. The lack of sleep is of course a vicious cycle (coupled with more alcohol) of leaving dark rings round the windows of the soul.

Having said all that, I had a great night. Great company, great fun. I wonder when the next bout of fun will come...

Navigation Defaulted

Better late than never. The water seems choppier on the surface but the boat's navigation system has started to function after a hard knock. The shore shouldn't be too far out of reach. The original destination needs to be aborted. The risk of running on low fuel is albeit present, it should be the least of the worries. The thought of time running out should only be subjected to the affected minds. This mind is learning to be less affected.



Did I hear you right
'cause I thought you said
Let's think it over
You have been my life
And I never planned
Growing old without you

Shadows bleeding through the light
Where the love once shined so bright
Came without a reason
Don't let go on us tonight
Love's not always black and white
Haven't I always loved you?

But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's not enough
And when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'cause your only almost here

I would change the world
If I had a chance
Oh won't you let me
Treat me like a child
Throw your arms around me
Oh please protect me

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered how it hurts
Haven't I always loved you

But when I need you
You're almost here
Well I never knew how far behind I'd left you
And when I hold you your almost here
Well I'm sorry that I took our love for granted
And now I'm with you I'm close to tears
'cause I know I'm almost here
Only almost here

Hello

Imagine a clothes line and you start hanging one paper clip... two paper clips... three paper clips.... They don't seem to affect the the line at all. Until your 687th clip, the line starts to feel it's being weighted down. At 1298 clips, the line is on the brink of breaking. Before the line breaks, is anyone bothered?



Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello i'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello

If i smile and don't believe
Soon i know i'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me i'm not broken
Hello i'm the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry

Suddenly i know i'm not sleeping
Hello i'm still here
All that's left of yesterday

Crossroads

If my blog's been visited often like how it used to be, it would be clear that the realisation is not sudden. Truth be told, happy as one can be to be with a friend who knows you best, had it not been that the person is causing you constant pain and not realise it or purely not acknowledging it, the feeling of taken for granted can't be avoided. It may not be deliberate but acknowledgement plays a large part. Then again, who are we to blame when we're not in the position to. Blame can only be imposed on oneself that wisdom wasn't fully utilised.

The marks from the sun after a day of enjoyment will fade off after a while. The pain from the burn is anything but permanent. Once the colour fades, the actual skin colour would be back, looking better than ever.

If one can't decide whether to take a left or right turn at the cross junction, there will be choices to detour and take the correct turn somewhere else. However, the road will reach a certain point whereby the destination would be beyond reach. One might be lucky to know a right turn ahead will eventually lead to the end point but if a left turn is taken earlier, the destination will only be further.

Weekends are bad. We tend to think too much. Then again, it it allows the reshuffling of pawns on the chessboard and the game restarts itself. One won't need all the pawns on the chessboard to win a game of chess but without all the right pawns, the game might not even start. Even if it's painful, some roads will be re-tarred for better roads to be built on the same space. Better utilisation of the space will prove to be more important for one car to take that road the driver missed to take.

Bad Day

To maintain a strong front has its pros and cons. It allows one to believe, be it falsely or not, that one can reach the finishing line safely. Then again, when one falls, the fall is usually harder than imaginable. Most people are unable to understand that people with a bright surface can actually have their tumultuous moments when they are alone. Be it in the car or at home, when the smile is taken off the face, the emotions tumble in like a vacuum glass ball with a leak. Unhealthy thoughts fill the atmosphere. The heart starts to feel pain that is usually numb by noises and activities. The need for some warmth fell short when the courage to dial a number left one fruitless.



After a hard day, and I truly mean hard so much so you want to wave the white flag and call things quits, there was only one thing on the mind. Unfortunately, the mirror image is not in existence. The pure thought of... Whatever that's on my mind now... IRKS ME!

This scream is silent.

你怎么舍得我难过

Up! Up & Away!

An entire week of husky voice left me delusional with the definition of one being sexy, I went around amusing people around me by asking them if I sounded sexy. The laughters tend to brighten up the day but the night remains quiet. Going back to the familiar smell on my bed, watching the LCD TV that was mounted a little too high for comfort with Discovery turned on but volume muted. Thoughts raced through the head even with that extra 10ml of Fedac in the body system. Incessant cough kept the body and mind awake. Abs muscles were aching but the 6 packs were nowhere to be seen. Instead of waiting endlessly for some form of concern from relevant people, pampering myself wasn't a choice. I had to do something to make myself better I thought.

So drinking I went. I have to say, drinking doesn't work very well with medication and I never seem to learn my lesson. After months of facing criticism on my skin's conditions, commitments to go for regular facials yet again got its debut. The desire to look good didn't stop after I left the shop. Determined to have supple skin again, regular home regime were strictly adhered to.

The accidental loss of weight due to some personal issues dated back a few months back seems to work well. Not longer do I stuff myself with excessive foods, the portions that go into the tummy were greatly reduced. With a smaller waistline, clothes don't seem to fit well anymore. This is not an excuse for a brand new wardrobe and in fact, I contemplated with the thought to put back on some weight so at least the difference isn't so great. Step at a time I guess. Remaining smaller in size has its benefits. Visually, most think it's better 'cept for the fact that I always look rather pale. With the improving skin condition, I should be getting some positive attention I hope. And of course, birds' nest made with love from Mom & Dad did help the entire equation. I feel so loved.

Voiceless

In Hokkien/Teochew (since I was brought up by a mixture of both dialects, I can't differentiate which is which anymore), they call it "teng kgam" which essentially means, contracting a flu on top of an existing one. Thinking that I was on the path of recovery, I was quickly back at work. I couldn't have been more wrong. Getting caught under the drizzle of the sunny Friday afternoon skies caused the second round of attack by the virus. Very slowly on Friday, I lost my voice.

Lack of sleep on Friday night didn't help so I reckon, sufficiently time with the Z monster should bring the voice back. So on Saturday night, after a game of mahjong with my folks when I was unable to audibly present my "requests" with the "pongs" and the "kongs", I took a wicked cocktail of medication and hit Z wonderland. After more than 12 hours of sleep, I was woken up by this horrible cough and it was so bad, I thought my lungs were dying of being overworked. Without having a need to speak to anyone, I forgot about my voice or in this lack, the lack of it. It was until my whining dog demanded a "yes, dear" from me that made me realised, I was the whimpering one.

Having no one at home for me to whine too, a very sick and miserable me started to "confide" in Tiger (my dog). Looking back, it was rather silly of me attempting to have a conversation with him. It was almost like a monologue and especially on days like that, the dramatic side of me prevails. So I went... "jie jie is sick...", "jie jie got no one to sayang", "jie jie no voice le" I wasn't super crazy, just ask any dog owner and they would be able to identify with me. But the very moment he started to whine back and when I put my face near, he started to lick my chin, I thought he might have understood how miserable I was feeling. There was a funny sense of relief.

Everybody Knows

The time has come for me to remove the battery from the remote controller. The flat battery needs to recharge and power up something else than just the remote control that automatically switches to Discovery Channel. The regular draft while drafting the regular kept the energy going. The power to click "Send" isn't as hard. It's about getting it out and across. Finally. So much for walking away and walking away so much, Newton's first law will always bring you back to the same spot. As long as the spot doesn't sting you, it has got to be a new spot with fresher air. "Friends", the word in itself will not have a brand new meaning to carry along with it. It's being able to reach that stage eventually that drags the feet. Move it, as I told myself reluctantly but surely. Things will never be the same and we're all too sure of it. Evasion is just one of the methods. That should work...

John Legend - Everybody Knows

In search of an energy source to prove that this battery is actually rechargeable. Let it begin...

Heineken, anyone?

Bodyache

Two full days of falling in and out of consciousness, being this sick isn't the least bit fun. Right after the BBQ over at Papadan's place, with the failed mission of getting a ride in the new monster, I went home with a slight ache. The ache quickly developed into a disabling one. Throughout the entire Sunday night, I was tossing and turning trying to get myself to Z Land but the tossing became increasingly painful. Very gradually, the sore throat and the fever developed.

By Monday morning, I was running a high of 38.7˚C and perspiration soaked the bed-sheets. Miserable is the only word I could think to describe how I really felt. In order to get to a meeting I was supposed to head that morning, I went on to take a shower and changed into work clothes but I could hardly move. Tears formed at the corner of my eyes while I screamed to myself softly. I knew there was no way I could get myself to work. I sent some text messages to push my meetings back and sat on my bed till I fell asleep. The medication I took before I took my nap didn't quite help and gastric pains developed due to lack of foods as base for the medication to not eat into my stomach walls. All was a little too late. Before noon, I got out of bed smelling like a rotten lemon since the perspiration didn't quite dry itself up in the air-conditioned room. I took the courage, fought the pain and drove myself to the doctor's.

Being unusually whiny, I was whining to myself in the car. The pain made me cry out loud with real tears and screams. Breathing became a chore, a painful one. Every turn of the steering wheel was eating up my threshold for pain bit by bit. By the time I got to the bottom of the multistorey carpark, all I wanted to do was to leave the car there and call for an ambulance. It was that bad since I've never ever thought of calling an ambulance for myself at any point in time regardless of how badly injured I got myself into. Anyway, the article finally got published. How cool is that!

Since I got back from the doctor's I've been immersing myself in episodes after episodes of Capeta before I fall asleep yet again. For Dad's health since his immunity is particularly low, I've quarantined myself in my very own room and only step out when it's necessary. And when I have to leave my room, I'll ensure the mask is on, just to be on the safe side.

Despite all these torturing moments, I'm actually rather ecstatic now. A couple of months back before Penguin left and to me, that is not a place but it's called point of no return which I won't talk about now and neither do I want to talk about it anytime soon, we went for a 3000km drive up to Trengganu and back on B-roads. Subsequently, I was asked to help with writing an article. Admittedly, Dentist Woo Woo would have done a much better job but he was busy but I still saw bits of his contribution in the final publication. Somethings in the article brought back beautiful memories but maybe memories should belong where they should.

Having One's Cake And Eating It

Before I begin, I have a disclaimer. I'm clenching my fist (not while I'm typing of course) and gritting my teeth, hence, the likelihood of me sounding coherent is out of the window. Let me be a bitch today.

I had enough! Way more than enough to be a nice person and get bitten right back on my arse. I had more than enough while trying to be accommodating. Being genuine is not what others want. They all want sweet, pretty and everything nice. I'm so not that and I'm so farking far from that. Enough! Cringe...

To have one's cake and eat it. How does that sound? How about opening a can of whoopass? The world is devouring me alive. So drowned in this mess, I can hardly breathe. Nothing is right. Farking nothing seems even close to right. Maybe it's just me. Get outta here!

It's absolutely bizarre how delusional can one get when stupidity gets to the top of their crown. To be appreciated is just one of the littlest of all things enough to turn that pole around. It never will happen, does it? And getting traumatized is just part of the unsolvable equation. To blow fire out with an intimidating roar is not fictional, neither do you have to be the dragon guarding the weak screaming princess in the castle. Just be a door mat long enough... [Taken from : He's Just Not That Into You]

Just when I'm typing away all the negative things, my Mama Angel texted me to not be destroyed by the unworthy. How in tuned and in time. Without her, I might have been in a different stage in life, maybe better or worse. But it's true that for every step that we take in life, we gain something. She's a victorious trophy from one of my life's moves. She showed me that there are so much more in life and there are things I can still look forward to. Never will she be hit real hard it seems... Then again, I remembered holding her back on one of the occasions to stop her from blowing her top. But if only I can look at life like she does. Am I still taking the baby steps?

Somehow, one of my weakness which I genuinely mean it, not in an attempt to show that I'm a nice person, is that I can't hold grudges very well. I forget them fast but that also causes alot of pain because I keep stupidly opening doors for people to punch me hard in my face over and again. I hope I won't invite anymore punches because there's only so much I can take. This Energiser Bunny is on an all time battery low. Almost flat...

What Do You Do...

Was reading Chang E blog after a long while and came across this song that seems to tug me uncomfortably. It's actually a nice song. Chang E has always come across as the happy go lucky girl in my team and my most memorable moment of her was when I wasn't even around. She was drunk and applied for MC with me via a piece of napkin. Cute is almost an understatement to describe her. Underneath all the laughter and smiles, I always felt there's something about her I could relate to but yet we've never spoken much about our personal lives.

During our regular oxygen breaks with just the both of us, we would have very little to talk about but yet the silence and watching the other person's expression, we both know we have so much on our minds but we never really want to talk about it much. The unknown unsaid understanding never gave me a reason to ask or dwell. In a way, it would be tough for be to be a real friend because I needed to maintain the professional side of myself and there will be times I need to scream at them. But all I want to say is that if my shoulders are ever needed, it will be available. Right now, the closest we can get is to have a drink together and to laugh and cry together if we finally crash.

Now I'm just thinking when can I afford to not drive and drink myself silly, at the same time, not worry about having to wake up for work the next day. It would be so inappropriate for me to go out drinking with the rest of them and have everyone come in half dead the next day knowing that they are my responsibilities.



What do you do when you know something's bad for you
And you still can't let go?

I was naive
Your love was like candy
Artificially sweet
I was deceived by the wrapping

Got caught in your web
And I learned how to plead
I was prey in your bed
And devoured completely

And it hurts my soul
Cos I can't let go
All these walls are caving in
I can't stop my suffering
I hate to show that I've lost control
Cos I, I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from

I need to get away from it
I need to walk away from it
Get away, walk away, walk away

I should have known
I was used for amusement
Couldn't see through the smog
It was all an illusion

Now I've been licking my wounds
Woke up in love and seems so great
We both can't subdue
Darling you hold me prisoner

I'm about to break
I can't stop this ache
I'm addicted to your lure
and I'm feeling for a cure
Every step I take
Leads to one mistake
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need...

I can make it
It's some state I'm in
Getting nothing everytime
What did I do to deserve
The pain of this moment
And everywhere I turn
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from

I need to get away from it
I need to walk away from it
Get away, walk away, walk away

Everytime I try to grasp for air
I get smothered and this sky, it's never over, over
Seems I never wake from this nightmare
I let out a solid breath, let it be over, over

Inside I'm screaming
Breaking, pleading the world

My heart has been bruised
So sad but it's true
Each peep reminds me of you

Only thing I need to do is walk away

那就這樣吧

Sixth sense has always been a "self-proclaimed" ability by women. Past experiences have convinced me not to take it lightly. A new way of looking at it was shown to me today. And a couple of examples proved myself right. It can be self-intimidating although it was like telling yourself "I told you so!" Some news numbs you and some are just funny. Looking back, you just do not want to be bothered anymore with things that you have no control over. Maybe life just has more important things to worry and guide you along. If it means looking past life, then so be it.

It's been a while since exams and homework has bothered me but after posting this, I need to sink myself into piles of notes for my assessments tomorrow. To fail is not an option at all because few people ever did and it's funded. Wish me luck.



Check out 孫自佑, the chap in the yellow vest. His voice is rather unique and I really enjoyed watching Youtube after Youtube of his performances. The song starts at about the 3 minute marker.



The original. Which is better?

Forgiveness

One of the toughest choice in life is to forgive. The strength it requires is formidable. At times we may think that we have forgiven, some nagging discomfort will gripe on. The willingness to forgive usually gets lost in the abyss of thoughts and time. How can forgiveness be extended when the ability to trust has been taken away? To forgive, would one need to learn to trust all over again or is forgiveness an isolated superpower? One can only deduce that the strength to be able to forgive is beyond this world but would change lives.

"Forgiveness does not change the past; It enlarges the future."



Back from the commercial break...

Friday night cannot be more eventful. Trying to pack as much activities on a Friday evening as much as possible, dinner was relatively relaxing given the preoccupied mind could never quite take a rest. Moving on to my virgin prawning experience, the initial part was a torture. While chatting with Jaded Manhattan Lensbaby on Gtalk, I was sipping down some beer and feeding mosquitoes. Just when I thought I was going to die of boredom, much fun began as the troop fell in. Chats and laughter accompanied us throughout the night. With A&E Quack entertaining us with "think like a prawn...", in hope that he could catch some for himself. This is one rare occasion whereby I was highly satisfied with devouring just one prawn. We didn't prawn enough to feed the army but Bmer did his best. Together with the other foods that the rest smuggled in, we were feasting. The elation on Mahjong Nurse's face was unforgettable when she finally got her first catch of today.

For me, I got chided for playing games on my Blackberry. So I got off my butt to roast some marshmallows. Boy, were they heavenly. So for the rest of the night, I was found near the pit while trying to avoid getting my contact lenses melted but still firing away some lightly browned, absolutely piquant marshmallows. The thought of the crispy outer layer and molten sweets flowing onto the tongue is making me salivate. Unfortunately, the overdose of it left me slightly high on sugars now and the z monster isn't quite keen to pay me a visit just yet. Before we know it, fatigue started to sit it and it was clearly shown on all the faces. Even then, we ended the night like how a great night out with friends should be and for once, we were all sober. Now that I'm home, I'm actually looking forward to my nightcap.

Bruised

Oh a Thursday, having a drink just never did sound right to me. Today, I was craving for one. Having bugged everyone on MSN and anywhere I can think of, I ended up with me and my little glass on my bed. Staring into blank space, I started to reflect. Maybe it's just me being me, I've experienced what I did from school all the way to adulthood. With every attempt to be better, I slumped back further. During times like that, I just feel so exhausted and started to wonder what life is actually all about. No matter how well things may seem initially for just about everything, it always ends up in some crazy dirt. Is that expected as a regular cycle in life? Too tired to have to please everyone, I tend to hide beneath the protection of my room's ceiling with locked doors and heart. Closing off to the world, bewilderedness overwhelms. The worst is having done so much and being deemed to have done nothing. Don't people open their eyes wide enough to see for themselves? Exhaustion is the only word I can think off.

Was trying to cut my toenails with my face all flushed, the patch of bruise beneath my big toenail hasn't quite subsided. Just yesterday, someone spotted another bruise on my calf and I didn't know when it was inflicted. The bruise beneath the toenail had been there for a while, before Eczema Road Planner flew to SF for his sister's wedding, and it hasn't even recovered. Let alone the other pains, how can a bruise take so long to recover and a toe nail that much time to grow a full cycle of nail. Cutting bit by bit, there wasn't any pain but it's fugly and it never quite want to go away. Going for a pedicure wasn't an option because the fear of the entire nail falling off has consumed me. I wonder when we say time can heal all pain, does it apply to big toe bruises?

The end of the week is coming and I have never welcomed it more. A little rest is badly needed before hallucination and paranoia starts to murder the weakened soul. A packed Friday schedule will continue to put that smile back on. I hope...

Dear Dear Dear Jaded Manhattan Lensbaby

Wanted to type an open letter to Jaded Manhattan Lensbaby but whatever that needs to be said, would have been said on Gtalk. This would more like be a petition for him to return to Asia. Asia is such a vibrant place awaiting the next wave of glory to shine upon us. For one, I'm waiting for the sparkle to be bestowed unto me. Memories are meant to be kept and didn't Johnnie Walker say, "Keep Walking?" If stuffs needs to be dumped, dump it and move on. If the wardrobe is full, there's no way new clothes can fit in without removing the old ones. It's also important that most of the things in the wardrobe must belong to you and there's always space for more. Even with a bigger wardrobe, with the ridiculous amount of old clothes you keep, you still will not have enough space for new ones. If shopping at the groceries store on a weekly basis sounds too much like a couple thing, then let me help you pack your wardrobe like a real buddy. Lean on me my friend.

Big Smile

Someone did something just because it was deemed that I needed a smile across my face.



I was hauled out of the heavy meeting to collect something at the door. What greeted me was a beautiful bunch of gerberas. On the card, it says "Hope this brightens up your day... ... ..."

Let's just call this person, X. X has always been an online persona, someone you might love and/or hate. The brainless comments irritates the hell out of you but at other times, you'll just smile at the stupidity. When you start to wonder what sort of person is this behind the disgusting avatar, you will find that all predictions were all but mere speculations. Having met this person just once and we barely even spoke, it's quite tough what to make out of it. Then again, what do we know?

I know what all of you are thinking but seriously, I do not believe this is one person with evil plans up the sleeves. Then again, trust is something that's lost out in the huge endless ocean. It's just nice to know that there's always someone out there to take away your stresses, with no expectations. Thankful for all the people around me, be it friends, family, lunch kakis...

Restoration - His Way

Today's sermon couldn't have been more "in the face." The topic on restoration is an attempt from the bigger man to set the inner being free. Instead of doing it the snuggly cryptic way, the message was explicit. B and myself just stared at one another with amazement. The tear ducts weren't faulty afterall. Our idea of restoration is apparently different from His explaination. Imagine a mug shattered into pieces. Restoration will mean putting the mug back together but guess what, we will have the mug better than ever and in fact, 7 times better! So if you lose something, you may not have lost it because it will be given back to you 7 times better or even better replacement that is 7 times more awesome will come your way. Just leave it to powers you can't imagine. This sermon can't be a better testimony to "God works in mysterious ways." To a stubborn person, you will need to be direct and to state the obvious. Thou shalt not repeat what Pastor Prince said but it was pretty darn clear! Freedom of the mind followed, though not quite immediate. Kinda miraculous, you've got to experience it to believe in it.

The storm in this area isn't isolated and the setting in of reality is hitting people close to heart. I suppose it's just normal human behavior to have some sort of retarded reaction to emotions. I'd like to compare it to turbo lag. It happened to me and now, I'm seeing it on a dear friend whose identity is protected because I see hope through faith. The peace before the storm can be deceptive and I cannot offer anything else but my ear. I agree we're all running out of activities after trying to pack everything into every available slots possible but when the dust settles, we know we're due for a drink. Cheers...

Confusion

Many of us might have been in situations whereby it feels exactly like how the saying goes, "one step forward, two steps back." When one becomes disillusioned, the ability to tell right from wrong becomes impossible. The frustration of helplessness lingers. The blind determination becomes the closet murderer. Self protection mechanism goes down the drains and streams. Communication in itself is not coherent. Consistency is non-existent. The haze covering the sky isn't a dream, it's just pollution. A whole breaks down into multitudes of pieces. Sharing may be a virtue meant for bigger hearts. Selfishness creates strength. Stupidity breeds insanity. Not to worry as alcohol is still preferred over Prozac. The road ahead looks fuzzy and decisions remain obscure. Take a deep breath, lock the doors and get a good night's sleep.

To Love & To Hold?

I never liked to share chain mails on my blog because it's not of my own and definitely not my very own outlet. But I read this today and wanted to share so badly. When people take their vows or made their promises to their other half, words were easier than the action. It's the little things that made us remember and treasure but traffic should never be one way. As time passes, we often miss the little changes and start to take things for granted.

This article left my eyes wet. When your wife/partner wants nothing but just that bit of your attention, do not brush it off. Use that heart of yours, be more sensitive and feel her pain. Pain that is more often dismissed with the non-presence of love. Love is not just about the laughter and fun but also the hurt and pain it brings along. It may be so well hidden, you just don't see it. Do not wait till it's too late. I must admit the death portion is too emotional but death is not the only form of departure. Be appreciative for you'll never know if life presents itself a second chance. Only when you've given your all, you'll have no regrets.

Appreciate your better half before you wouldn't have a chance to.

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce.

She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions... She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time.. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card.. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank, blah..blah..blah. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

The New Romance...

Getting stuck in a meeting for hours is absolutely no fun when they're all talking about numbers. Numbers are foreign to me and they have no intention to know me better by any standard and I just left that relationship at that. Past my A'Levels, I never wanted to see them again. Fate played devil and now I'm responsible for numbers and more numbers. The worst is when the meeting had no outcome. The only consolation was my pavlova and rooibos tea at Cedele which I decided to give myself a treat for sitting through the meeting. It may be an excuse but I'm a happy girl (compared to the gloomy me during the meeting) with extra sugars in my system.

On my way back to the office which by then, I should have headed home instead, I got to see the new facelifted Z4 in flesh. There was much talk about it when Gorgeous Babe and Adnsx Fairboy put down good money for the awesome machines a while ago in white and black respectively. All my life, I've never been a roadster person. Be it the previous Z4 or the much talkabout MX5, none of them managed to move me. This time around, I was stumped in awe and it's a new toy I want real bad. The twin turbos and DCT just made it more yummy and not forgetting the signature rear wheel drive. Although stick shift rocks, the DCT might just fare better in terms of local traffic conditions. The retractable hard top swept me off my feet instantly. If there's one thing I'd like to change, it's the soft suspension. There's always Cross... *slurp

The sheer looks of this car did all the selling. The rear, or I would affectionately call it the ass, could be described as muscular and sexy. Ah B did mention that he's got a similar butt but I'd beg to differ until I get to check his out tomorrow. The buck teeth as Ah B named it, is nothing like the way he described it but I'd liken it Pierce Brosnan's sexy nose instead. Pardon the lack of adjective but sexy is THE word to describe the car. Now, this gives me a reason to really work for it and for it to bring out the star in me, the task shouldn't be too hard. This dormant rising star will shock you. The time is yet to come but trust me, it shouldn't take too long. The wooing will take a while but the determination will not die off. This is pure encouragement to draw out the next sparkle/shine that will just push me forward every step I take. Nothing will bring me down and I will not allow anything or anyone to. The comeback is worthwhile so keep your eyes glued! Let me show you the superstar within...

天黑黑

The way Daftbitch described it was almost like a brewing storm and waiting for that lightning to roar before the heavy cumulonimbus clouds gave way. It was a thunderstorm. When the clouds were building up, the weather still looked fine. And in fact, people were still basking in the sun. The sky gradually started to look ominous. With enough build up, more often in a stupor, the downpour was sudden and frightening. The air was too dense and thick, and so to some, the pour was welcomed in anticipation of better air and a possible rainbow. It's been a while since I saw a rainbow and the last time I saw it and posted pictures of it, things have changed. They are still playing the documentary about thunderstorm on Discovery Channel and Singapore remained the mentioned country with the highest occurrence of lightnings and thunderstorms. Watching Discovery Channel became a task I need to learn to love to watch again. Meanwhile, SCV will be making more money from me with the increased number of channels.

Looking back at how Daftbitch and myself both sensing a neighbouring storm from brewing, it was so darn clear that women are just that tad more sensitive.

During lunch, it was pretty hilarious when they commented on my visible weight loss and their losses being non-visible. The loss was more than what some of them would like to see and according to Eczema Road Planner, I don't look as "overflowing" as before. It felt good to be praised with just the extra bit of makeup and a pair of killer heels everywhere I go. My co-workers have never seen me dress up so it was an eye opener for them. But of course, like primary school kids, I had to turn deaf ears to the jeers of the boys. Boys will be boys and they never grow up, do they? For friends, they would have seen all these before. The challenge right now is to prevent the copious amount of mooncakes poisoning my bloodstream and adding onto the bulge I managed to lose.

我愛上讓我奮不顧身的一個人 我以為這就是我所追求的世界
然而橫衝直撞 被誤解被騙 是否成人的世界背後 總有殘缺
我走在每天必須面對的分岔路 我懷念過去單純美好的小幸福
愛總是讓人哭 讓人覺得不滿足 天空很大卻看不清楚 好孤獨

天黑的時候 我又想起那首歌 突然期待 下起安靜的雨
原來外婆的道理 早就唱給我聽 下起雨也要勇敢前進
我相信 一切都會平息 我現在 好想回家去
天黑黑 欲落雨 天黑黑 黑黑

The greatest comfort I can think of is for a thunderstorm to come by and not having to worry about anything else. Lying on Grandma's lap and watching the rain go by.

"As long as you're here for me, nothing else matters." A cynical question - Can there be anyone who can be there for you whenever you need them? [And yes Daftbitch, I know your phone is turned on 24 hours and thanks for switching the volume louder when you sleep and thankfully, I didn't had the need to call you.] I'm just wondering because everyone will be gone or be dead one day, so how would this sentence hold water? In such a complex world, how can nothing else matters? C'mon and indulge me with an intellectual argument. I'm opening up the comments box so you won't need to sign in or to get it approved by me.

Hello! Friends & Beer Please...

It's pre-work blues but unlike the fear of work, it's the fear of the feeling of being lost. Having been away for longer than just a long weekend, the oncoming audit will have a part to play nibbling me away bit by bit.

The weekend was completed by a short game of mahjong. Hosting them in my little room was a challenge but as compared to before, this room actually has more space for the table than before. On top of it, the portable table was just enough. Being relatively petite in stature, it was never an issue until Atomic Pilot commented on his restricted movements on the table. Given his size and height, I could understand why. I shall suggest his smoke friendly rooftop for our next game so we could have the other group of bored souls entertaining themselves with alcohol.

The hottest and my favourite season of the year flew off to another Asian city this morning and our initial intentions of sending her off over breakfast was aborted as none of the nightbirds last night could wake up for breakfast this morning even though there wasn't much alcohol last night. People come and go but some are just here to stay even though they can't be here physically. They are the people who are there when you needed them most, even if it's just for a casual chat. Just like Jaded Manhattan Lensbaby who can't fly down even if he's back in Asia this time round, seeing him on Gtalk was almost like striking gold for me. His attention was desired and appreciated.

I think I need more SCV channels...

In My Hands - Wisdom

The past week can't be more eventful. Apart from the unusual regular drinking, considering that I'm almost a teetotal, my car has also travelled more mileage than I'll ever clock up during a normal week. Going places and seeing faces was so much fun and I've kept myself so busy with slotting everyone in every available slot, I can't remember the last time I was this sleep deprived yet feeling so hyped. The only mistake was possibly mixing medication with excessive alcohol (which in my context is not alot but far more than my regular nightcap worth of single malt) and the rest was justified by a medical certificate. I tried resting the flu ache and fever while nursing the heavy head. However, the real remedy was with people who brought me so much laughter and smiles.

Singing my lungs out at the KTV, attending a birthday party, planting myself at Singapore's Super Import Night, spending quality time with my folks, casual chit chatting with real friends, hitting balls at the driving range, hosting the "Hottest Season" in transit and getting the hug she owed me for the longest time ever was just some of the endless activities. It's amazing how much one can pack in a long weekend and for me, a super duper long one starting from Thursday. The most important event has got to be church service today. Thankful to Ah B, I dragged my sleep-deprived body to Suntec and after getting stuck in the pre-F1 road changes, the anointing began. The prayer for wisdom was such a simple yet powerful one. And prosperity is where the wisdom will bring you in different aspects of life. The service touched many hearts, B and myself included.

The end of the lunar calendar's 7th month has also marked closures for many journeys, some were shocking and the others were expected. But the new piece of canvas was perfect for mistake correction and fresher colours. Life couldn't possibly be more exciting! To be in control is a prerogative that should not be forgotten and to be responsible for your very own happiness that lies right in your hands. All I need now is to catch a movie, dance my heart out and go spend some sundown time by the beach enjoying the breeze by myself. The seabreeze is comfort and to be able to shout out to nothing is a privilege that I must learn not to take it for granted. Just imagine living in a desert... (Gosh no!)

If there's a mahjong game for me to spend a couple of hours on, my weekend would be so complete. Then again, my room and Kokoro needs some undivided attention.