Dreaming of you...

I have a serious character flaw that strips off any good relationship i'd want to have. When i say relationship, it doesn't quite refer to guys but also friends and family. I must admit i'm not a popular person and i know that very fact. I've always had some attitude problem which pushes people away and throughout my entire life, i'm constantly in search of what i can do to better myself so that i wouldn't be the common enemy or jinx. I've never ever found that answer and i guess i'll never will.

I think i'll go into hiding again.

I need someone to hug me tight and hear me cry.

I dreamt of my Grandma thevery first time after she passed away. I didn't wanna tell anyone about it but the fear of losing the image of her in my dream, i've decided to blog about it.

In my dream, i was driven around by some friend in a car behind some dark and shady streets of Bangkok. We came across this door and someone in the car asked me, "what's behind the door?" I told him as if i've been to that place, i told him "you go in, turn left then right, you'll reach the main lobby". The very next moment, i found myself walking through the door and according to my own instructions, i walked to the main lobby. When i got to the lobby, i found a very young looking Grandma standing beside two of her children and if i'm not wrong, it's "Pretty Mom"'s Mom and my Dad. I went up to hug her and cried like never before. But after a while of crying, i found myself hugging a luggage instead. My aunt then took out two books out of that luggage and one of which is a Bible, please don't ask me why. Then she took my Grandma's picture out of the Bible. Somehow i think my Auntie was trying to tell me that my Grandma is dead and i have to face the pain of reality. In actual fact, there's still a large part of me that still can't believe that Grandma has passed away and left me. I didn't quite cry after she passed on because i thought she's still there whenever i needed a shelter.

Back to the dream, i just cried and continued hugging the two books. After a while, i found myself hugging my Grandma again but this time, she had turned very old - Just like how she looked like before she passed away. I just cried and cried. I woke up and i continued to cry. I guess i really miss her although i didn't quite show it. On the outside, it seems that i've got over it really fast. And through her funeral, we've managed to bond with some relatives. That reduced alot of the pain because i've got to spend a generous amount of time with them now. But whenever i get home and the noise vanishes, when i'm all alone again, i do miss her. The pain i experienced was indescribable. I guess that's what people call grieving. I've never really cried out loud after she passed on, not even during the funeral. But today, i let all my emotions go entirely and i cried out. And of course, all by myself, yet again. It's beginning to hit in real hard to know that the person who loves me most has already left me. No doubt she has gone to a better place, i still can't accept the torture of actuality. I used to escape the harshness of life once in a while to pay her a visit but right now, i can only have a good sleep and cry when i wake up. I have no friends, i have no company, i have no desirable emotions anymore. I'm so tired... I want my Grandma...