Things Fall Apart As Better Things Can Fall Together

Saw the above statement in TongMama's blog and it touched a very raw part of me. In my insignificant part, it always seem like things are falling apart more than coming together. With friends who helped me along the way to seek the pre-existing contentment, things are alot easier to ride on.

Recently I've been getting the "you're not young anymore" rubbed in my face. I totally understand where they're coming from but that should not be a motivating factor for me to grab just anyone. I am lucky, really. I have people around me who truly cares and in no circumstance am I going to jeopardise the friendship. This is probably the time of my life I should focus my attention of what feeds me and the other mouths that depend on me. It is absolutely not an option to give them a life lacking in reliance and comfort. Even for the love for myself, to be absolutely selfish, dependence is not a trait I can afford to pick up.

Still, I suppose in the most unexpected situations, I should be hitting some jackpot. Maybe not the machine with the most payout but one that will bring me much joy.

Against Odds

With people walking in and out of our lives, and particular for what I have to say today, people out or on their very way out. Maybe it's just the imaginary no entry sign that stopping the show from continuing. To encounter the familiar faces with the strangest feeling of it all, like an ostrich, avoiding seems like the natural way to handle the awkward situation. The thoughts rushed back and wishing only you can turn back the clock and change things. But truth is, it's always against the odds when people have changed their direction and had their eyes focused on a direction away from yourself.

See, I've been watching Scrubs from scratch. The part where Turk proposed and when JD finished making his toast as he watched 2 loving couples kiss on, I actually felt sad for him and subsequently reflected. Just a couple of hours ago, I found out a very good friend of mine whom I could almost qualify as my best friend because if I were to define best friend, I couldn't think of any. Then again, there's Black Tulips. The only one person who has got my back when I needed someone to talk to. In fact, he passed me exactly what I needed - Series after series of Scrubs for me to get past my weekends.

All these while, I've been intentionally drowning myself at work. On one end, I just needed to do it because it's my job, I love it and most of all, it pays bills. On the other, I just didn't have anything else in my life to occupy the time after work or to have any compelling reasons for me to leave the office early. Weekends become empty on the calendar and the desperate need to fill them out. Somehow, sleep is still incredibly lacking.

Something I heard on Scrubs that I really love - "No relationship is perfect. What is important is that you wanna be there even if it sucked." Now, if there's even something worth the while and the time. Maybe I meant, someone instead of something.

At the very least, I know there's any important lesson I have got to learn in this life. That is to pick my battles...

Saying Too Much

When the email informing me of my training came in, I was a little disappointed. I should have expected that I'll be attending training in Singapore as compared to some others in the office as I haven't been amazing. At the back of my mind, I was wondering if given the same platform, would I have performed as well or even better? If the starting point is different, I only have myself to blame for being less than amazing. Logically, especially knowing how these P&L works, I know I'll be the one paying for them eventually but for me, it boiled down to personal achievements and how much of an asset you'd mean to the team and the man in charge.

I think I've broke too much rules since I came into this place. I never blogged about work, nor added colleagues on Facebook. So I'm gonna stuck the f*** up before I get myself into trouble. Just to qualify, I'm not unhappy with others but at my very own performance. I end up questioning myself if there's anything I could have done better. I too wish I can churn money like some of the better known "machines". Self-doubt will not help so constructive advice would be preferred.

I know my well-deserved holiday will come soon, hopefully. Weekends alone are so hard to survive...