Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Bad Day

To maintain a strong front has its pros and cons. It allows one to believe, be it falsely or not, that one can reach the finishing line safely. Then again, when one falls, the fall is usually harder than imaginable. Most people are unable to understand that people with a bright surface can actually have their tumultuous moments when they are alone. Be it in the car or at home, when the smile is taken off the face, the emotions tumble in like a vacuum glass ball with a leak. Unhealthy thoughts fill the atmosphere. The heart starts to feel pain that is usually numb by noises and activities. The need for some warmth fell short when the courage to dial a number left one fruitless.



After a hard day, and I truly mean hard so much so you want to wave the white flag and call things quits, there was only one thing on the mind. Unfortunately, the mirror image is not in existence. The pure thought of... Whatever that's on my mind now... IRKS ME!

This scream is silent.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Up! Up & Away!

An entire week of husky voice left me delusional with the definition of one being sexy, I went around amusing people around me by asking them if I sounded sexy. The laughters tend to brighten up the day but the night remains quiet. Going back to the familiar smell on my bed, watching the LCD TV that was mounted a little too high for comfort with Discovery turned on but volume muted. Thoughts raced through the head even with that extra 10ml of Fedac in the body system. Incessant cough kept the body and mind awake. Abs muscles were aching but the 6 packs were nowhere to be seen. Instead of waiting endlessly for some form of concern from relevant people, pampering myself wasn't a choice. I had to do something to make myself better I thought.

So drinking I went. I have to say, drinking doesn't work very well with medication and I never seem to learn my lesson. After months of facing criticism on my skin's conditions, commitments to go for regular facials yet again got its debut. The desire to look good didn't stop after I left the shop. Determined to have supple skin again, regular home regime were strictly adhered to.

The accidental loss of weight due to some personal issues dated back a few months back seems to work well. Not longer do I stuff myself with excessive foods, the portions that go into the tummy were greatly reduced. With a smaller waistline, clothes don't seem to fit well anymore. This is not an excuse for a brand new wardrobe and in fact, I contemplated with the thought to put back on some weight so at least the difference isn't so great. Step at a time I guess. Remaining smaller in size has its benefits. Visually, most think it's better 'cept for the fact that I always look rather pale. With the improving skin condition, I should be getting some positive attention I hope. And of course, birds' nest made with love from Mom & Dad did help the entire equation. I feel so loved.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Voiceless

In Hokkien/Teochew (since I was brought up by a mixture of both dialects, I can't differentiate which is which anymore), they call it "teng kgam" which essentially means, contracting a flu on top of an existing one. Thinking that I was on the path of recovery, I was quickly back at work. I couldn't have been more wrong. Getting caught under the drizzle of the sunny Friday afternoon skies caused the second round of attack by the virus. Very slowly on Friday, I lost my voice.

Lack of sleep on Friday night didn't help so I reckon, sufficiently time with the Z monster should bring the voice back. So on Saturday night, after a game of mahjong with my folks when I was unable to audibly present my "requests" with the "pongs" and the "kongs", I took a wicked cocktail of medication and hit Z wonderland. After more than 12 hours of sleep, I was woken up by this horrible cough and it was so bad, I thought my lungs were dying of being overworked. Without having a need to speak to anyone, I forgot about my voice or in this lack, the lack of it. It was until my whining dog demanded a "yes, dear" from me that made me realised, I was the whimpering one.

Having no one at home for me to whine too, a very sick and miserable me started to "confide" in Tiger (my dog). Looking back, it was rather silly of me attempting to have a conversation with him. It was almost like a monologue and especially on days like that, the dramatic side of me prevails. So I went... "jie jie is sick...", "jie jie got no one to sayang", "jie jie no voice le" I wasn't super crazy, just ask any dog owner and they would be able to identify with me. But the very moment he started to whine back and when I put my face near, he started to lick my chin, I thought he might have understood how miserable I was feeling. There was a funny sense of relief.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Everybody Knows

The time has come for me to remove the battery from the remote controller. The flat battery needs to recharge and power up something else than just the remote control that automatically switches to Discovery Channel. The regular draft while drafting the regular kept the energy going. The power to click "Send" isn't as hard. It's about getting it out and across. Finally. So much for walking away and walking away so much, Newton's first law will always bring you back to the same spot. As long as the spot doesn't sting you, it has got to be a new spot with fresher air. "Friends", the word in itself will not have a brand new meaning to carry along with it. It's being able to reach that stage eventually that drags the feet. Move it, as I told myself reluctantly but surely. Things will never be the same and we're all too sure of it. Evasion is just one of the methods. That should work...



John Legend - Everybody Knows

In search of an energy source to prove that this battery is actually rechargeable. Let it begin...

Heineken, anyone?

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Bodyache

Two full days of falling in and out of consciousness, being this sick isn't the least bit fun. Right after the BBQ over at Papadan's place, with the failed mission of getting a ride in the new monster, I went home with a slight ache. The ache quickly developed into a disabling one. Throughout the entire Sunday night, I was tossing and turning trying to get myself to Z Land but the tossing became increasingly painful. Very gradually, the sore throat and the fever developed.

By Monday morning, I was running a high of 38.7˚C and perspiration soaked the bed-sheets. Miserable is the only word I could think to describe how I really felt. In order to get to a meeting I was supposed to head that morning, I went on to take a shower and changed into work clothes but I could hardly move. Tears formed at the corner of my eyes while I screamed to myself softly. I knew there was no way I could get myself to work. I sent some text messages to push my meetings back and sat on my bed till I fell asleep. The medication I took before I took my nap didn't quite help and gastric pains developed due to lack of foods as base for the medication to not eat into my stomach walls. All was a little too late. Before noon, I got out of bed smelling like a rotten lemon since the perspiration didn't quite dry itself up in the air-conditioned room. I took the courage, fought the pain and drove myself to the doctor's.

Being unusually whiny, I was whining to myself in the car. The pain made me cry out loud with real tears and screams. Breathing became a chore, a painful one. Every turn of the steering wheel was eating up my threshold for pain bit by bit. By the time I got to the bottom of the multistorey carpark, all I wanted to do was to leave the car there and call for an ambulance. It was that bad since I've never ever thought of calling an ambulance for myself at any point in time regardless of how badly injured I got myself into. Anyway, the article finally got published. How cool is that!

Since I got back from the doctor's I've been immersing myself in episodes after episodes of Capeta before I fall asleep yet again. For Dad's health since his immunity is particularly low, I've quarantined myself in my very own room and only step out when it's necessary. And when I have to leave my room, I'll ensure the mask is on, just to be on the safe side.

Despite all these torturing moments, I'm actually rather ecstatic now. A couple of months back before Penguin left and to me, that is not a place but it's called point of no return which I won't talk about now and neither do I want to talk about it anytime soon, we went for a 3000km drive up to Trengganu and back on B-roads. Subsequently, I was asked to help with writing an article. Admittedly, Dentist Woo Woo would have done a much better job but he was busy but I still saw bits of his contribution in the final publication. Somethings in the article brought back beautiful memories but maybe memories should belong where they should.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Having One's Cake And Eating It

Before I begin, I have a disclaimer. I'm clenching my fist (not while I'm typing of course) and gritting my teeth, hence, the likelihood of me sounding coherent is out of the window. Let me be a bitch today.

I had enough! Way more than enough to be a nice person and get bitten right back on my arse. I had more than enough while trying to be accommodating. Being genuine is not what others want. They all want sweet, pretty and everything nice. I'm so not that and I'm so farking far from that. Enough! Cringe...

To have one's cake and eat it. How does that sound? How about opening a can of whoopass? The world is devouring me alive. So drowned in this mess, I can hardly breathe. Nothing is right. Farking nothing seems even close to right. Maybe it's just me. Get outta here!

It's absolutely bizarre how delusional can one get when stupidity gets to the top of their crown. To be appreciated is just one of the littlest of all things enough to turn that pole around. It never will happen, does it? And getting traumatized is just part of the unsolvable equation. To blow fire out with an intimidating roar is not fictional, neither do you have to be the dragon guarding the weak screaming princess in the castle. Just be a door mat long enough... [Taken from : He's Just Not That Into You]

Just when I'm typing away all the negative things, my Mama Angel texted me to not be destroyed by the unworthy. How in tuned and in time. Without her, I might have been in a different stage in life, maybe better or worse. But it's true that for every step that we take in life, we gain something. She's a victorious trophy from one of my life's moves. She showed me that there are so much more in life and there are things I can still look forward to. Never will she be hit real hard it seems... Then again, I remembered holding her back on one of the occasions to stop her from blowing her top. But if only I can look at life like she does. Am I still taking the baby steps?

Somehow, one of my weakness which I genuinely mean it, not in an attempt to show that I'm a nice person, is that I can't hold grudges very well. I forget them fast but that also causes alot of pain because I keep stupidly opening doors for people to punch me hard in my face over and again. I hope I won't invite anymore punches because there's only so much I can take. This Energiser Bunny is on an all time battery low. Almost flat...

Monday, October 05, 2009

What Do You Do...

Was reading Chang E blog after a long while and came across this song that seems to tug me uncomfortably. It's actually a nice song. Chang E has always come across as the happy go lucky girl in my team and my most memorable moment of her was when I wasn't even around. She was drunk and applied for MC with me via a piece of napkin. Cute is almost an understatement to describe her. Underneath all the laughter and smiles, I always felt there's something about her I could relate to but yet we've never spoken much about our personal lives.

During our regular oxygen breaks with just the both of us, we would have very little to talk about but yet the silence and watching the other person's expression, we both know we have so much on our minds but we never really want to talk about it much. The unknown unsaid understanding never gave me a reason to ask or dwell. In a way, it would be tough for be to be a real friend because I needed to maintain the professional side of myself and there will be times I need to scream at them. But all I want to say is that if my shoulders are ever needed, it will be available. Right now, the closest we can get is to have a drink together and to laugh and cry together if we finally crash.

Now I'm just thinking when can I afford to not drive and drink myself silly, at the same time, not worry about having to wake up for work the next day. It would be so inappropriate for me to go out drinking with the rest of them and have everyone come in half dead the next day knowing that they are my responsibilities.



What do you do when you know something's bad for you
And you still can't let go?

I was naive
Your love was like candy
Artificially sweet
I was deceived by the wrapping

Got caught in your web
And I learned how to plead
I was prey in your bed
And devoured completely

And it hurts my soul
Cos I can't let go
All these walls are caving in
I can't stop my suffering
I hate to show that I've lost control
Cos I, I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from

I need to get away from it
I need to walk away from it
Get away, walk away, walk away

I should have known
I was used for amusement
Couldn't see through the smog
It was all an illusion

Now I've been licking my wounds
Woke up in love and seems so great
We both can't subdue
Darling you hold me prisoner

I'm about to break
I can't stop this ache
I'm addicted to your lure
and I'm feeling for a cure
Every step I take
Leads to one mistake
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need...

I can make it
It's some state I'm in
Getting nothing everytime
What did I do to deserve
The pain of this moment
And everywhere I turn
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from

I need to get away from it
I need to walk away from it
Get away, walk away, walk away

Everytime I try to grasp for air
I get smothered and this sky, it's never over, over
Seems I never wake from this nightmare
I let out a solid breath, let it be over, over

Inside I'm screaming
Breaking, pleading the world

My heart has been bruised
So sad but it's true
Each peep reminds me of you

Only thing I need to do is walk away


Sunday, October 04, 2009

那就這樣吧

Sixth sense has always been a "self-proclaimed" ability by women. Past experiences have convinced me not to take it lightly. A new way of looking at it was shown to me today. And a couple of examples proved myself right. It can be self-intimidating although it was like telling yourself "I told you so!" Some news numbs you and some are just funny. Looking back, you just do not want to be bothered anymore with things that you have no control over. Maybe life just has more important things to worry and guide you along. If it means looking past life, then so be it.

It's been a while since exams and homework has bothered me but after posting this, I need to sink myself into piles of notes for my assessments tomorrow. To fail is not an option at all because few people ever did and it's funded. Wish me luck.



Check out 孫自佑, the chap in the yellow vest. His voice is rather unique and I really enjoyed watching Youtube after Youtube of his performances. The song starts at about the 3 minute marker.



The original. Which is better?

Saturday, October 03, 2009

Forgiveness

One of the toughest choice in life is to forgive. The strength it requires is formidable. At times we may think that we have forgiven, some nagging discomfort will gripe on. The willingness to forgive usually gets lost in the abyss of thoughts and time. How can forgiveness be extended when the ability to trust has been taken away? To forgive, would one need to learn to trust all over again or is forgiveness an isolated superpower? One can only deduce that the strength to be able to forgive is beyond this world but would change lives.

"Forgiveness does not change the past; It enlarges the future."



Back from the commercial break...

Friday night cannot be more eventful. Trying to pack as much activities on a Friday evening as much as possible, dinner was relatively relaxing given the preoccupied mind could never quite take a rest. Moving on to my virgin prawning experience, the initial part was a torture. While chatting with Jaded Manhattan Lensbaby on Gtalk, I was sipping down some beer and feeding mosquitoes. Just when I thought I was going to die of boredom, much fun began as the troop fell in. Chats and laughter accompanied us throughout the night. With A&E Quack entertaining us with "think like a prawn...", in hope that he could catch some for himself. This is one rare occasion whereby I was highly satisfied with devouring just one prawn. We didn't prawn enough to feed the army but Bmer did his best. Together with the other foods that the rest smuggled in, we were feasting. The elation on Mahjong Nurse's face was unforgettable when she finally got her first catch of today.

For me, I got chided for playing games on my Blackberry. So I got off my butt to roast some marshmallows. Boy, were they heavenly. So for the rest of the night, I was found near the pit while trying to avoid getting my contact lenses melted but still firing away some lightly browned, absolutely piquant marshmallows. The thought of the crispy outer layer and molten sweets flowing onto the tongue is making me salivate. Unfortunately, the overdose of it left me slightly high on sugars now and the z monster isn't quite keen to pay me a visit just yet. Before we know it, fatigue started to sit it and it was clearly shown on all the faces. Even then, we ended the night like how a great night out with friends should be and for once, we were all sober. Now that I'm home, I'm actually looking forward to my nightcap.

Friday, October 02, 2009

Bruised

Oh a Thursday, having a drink just never did sound right to me. Today, I was craving for one. Having bugged everyone on MSN and anywhere I can think of, I ended up with me and my little glass on my bed. Staring into blank space, I started to reflect. Maybe it's just me being me, I've experienced what I did from school all the way to adulthood. With every attempt to be better, I slumped back further. During times like that, I just feel so exhausted and started to wonder what life is actually all about. No matter how well things may seem initially for just about everything, it always ends up in some crazy dirt. Is that expected as a regular cycle in life? Too tired to have to please everyone, I tend to hide beneath the protection of my room's ceiling with locked doors and heart. Closing off to the world, bewilderedness overwhelms. The worst is having done so much and being deemed to have done nothing. Don't people open their eyes wide enough to see for themselves? Exhaustion is the only word I can think off.

Was trying to cut my toenails with my face all flushed, the patch of bruise beneath my big toenail hasn't quite subsided. Just yesterday, someone spotted another bruise on my calf and I didn't know when it was inflicted. The bruise beneath the toenail had been there for a while, before Eczema Road Planner flew to SF for his sister's wedding, and it hasn't even recovered. Let alone the other pains, how can a bruise take so long to recover and a toe nail that much time to grow a full cycle of nail. Cutting bit by bit, there wasn't any pain but it's fugly and it never quite want to go away. Going for a pedicure wasn't an option because the fear of the entire nail falling off has consumed me. I wonder when we say time can heal all pain, does it apply to big toe bruises?

The end of the week is coming and I have never welcomed it more. A little rest is badly needed before hallucination and paranoia starts to murder the weakened soul. A packed Friday schedule will continue to put that smile back on. I hope...

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Dear Dear Dear Jaded Manhattan Lensbaby

Wanted to type an open letter to Jaded Manhattan Lensbaby but whatever that needs to be said, would have been said on Gtalk. This would more like be a petition for him to return to Asia. Asia is such a vibrant place awaiting the next wave of glory to shine upon us. For one, I'm waiting for the sparkle to be bestowed unto me. Memories are meant to be kept and didn't Johnnie Walker say, "Keep Walking?" If stuffs needs to be dumped, dump it and move on. If the wardrobe is full, there's no way new clothes can fit in without removing the old ones. It's also important that most of the things in the wardrobe must belong to you and there's always space for more. Even with a bigger wardrobe, with the ridiculous amount of old clothes you keep, you still will not have enough space for new ones. If shopping at the groceries store on a weekly basis sounds too much like a couple thing, then let me help you pack your wardrobe like a real buddy. Lean on me my friend.