Monday, January 29, 2007

Look At Me For The Person I Really Am

Few people will deny that I'm often misunderstood. Not that i'm an angel or anything, but i tend to do things that upsets people without realising it. Sometimes i don't know what i did and i still don't.

"Jit Eh Knight" told me last night that i have a homage instinct towards bad boys. I don't. I don't even look forward to belong to any entity. I'm just a sucker for sweets. Why don't people get the entire picture i'm getting before they pass their judgement? "Jit Eh Knight", you're not the one who passed the judgement, just a comment i've heard from elsewhere.

I often sink into modes of lows and i can't quite get out. I may look like i'm the happiest person in the world, i'm not. Why am i saying this? Don't get me wrong, i'm not fishing for sympathy and don't even feel anything like that for me, i don't deserve it and i don't want it.

Tell me what have i been doing wrong? Why am i like the common jinx and trash?

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Grandma's 100 Days Anniversary


Dear Cousins, Nieces, Nephews,

I'm too lazy to email it to everyone so just right click and save it at your own pleasure. Today's Grandma's 100 days anniversary and we will always remember her. Look how grand her new home is, envious?

We will miss her. We will always love her.

假装

Had a good chat with BR just now. Given all the unhappiness we have had in this friendship, i can't deny she's always been there when i needed a shoulder. I admit i'm a super lousy drinker but she puts up with my nonsense from time to time. When Princess needs to make a lifelong career decision, she was there to reaffirm what i thought but hesitated. She made doubts into decisions. I should know and should remember, my career is of utmost importance now. When a woman is financially independent, things will fall into place. Right now, i want to be the independent woman i've always wanted to be.

The more i sink into the "i think i miss him" shit, the less i'm becoming the person i actually was and the person i've always aspired to be. Most people around now knows i'm hungry to be right on top of the vicious food chain and i want to make a difference to people around me. I want to be able to be the "contact" or "network" that gives off the "wow" factor.

I will still think of Dum Dum. I'm not someone who likes something and withdraw almost immediately. I need a closure even if it is not a possible route. I will make the closure happen. Maybe i'm not the one...

I have to admit it wouldn't be easy for me to step out of this circle and step into another one for a long time to come but i suppose it's good that i can put time into my career. Guess this is the only consolation i can give myself at this point in time.

This is one song that truly describes me, right now... I'm going back to bed to snuggle with myself and drown myself with repetitions of this song, constantly reminding myself of the pain i'm in and that i should get out of in a heartbeat.

呼吸着一种孤独的味道
心跳在你沉默以后慢慢的被淡忘掉
我笑了笑反正你看不到
我要的幸福遗落在你怀抱

当爱失了焦
那些最初的美好
早被你搁在一角
街上拥挤人潮走着看着都是摧眠符号
记忆停不了
穿过读你的心跳
穿过想你的味道
我只想不被打扰

假装多好
我只要只想要再拥有一秒
去相信你的拥抱
一直会让我依靠
继续等待
还心甘情愿的不想逃

当爱失了焦
那些最初的美好
早被你搁在一角
街上拥挤人潮走着看着都是摧眠符号
记忆停不了
穿过读你的心跳
穿过想你的味道
我只想不被打扰

假装多好
我只要只想要再拥有一秒
去相信你的拥抱
一直会让我依靠
继续等待心甘情愿不想逃

假装多好
依然是依然是暧昧的tone调
一个人无理取闹
两人世界的煎熬
我被自己困在自己设下的圈套

像是驼鸟相信时间是唯一解药
视而不见傻到了无可救药
其实早明了你的爱已随风飘
想要找再也找不到

假装多好
我只要只想要再拥有一秒
去相信你的拥抱
还心甘情愿的不想逃

假装多好
依然是依然是暧昧的tone调
一个人无理取闹
两人世界的煎熬
我被自己困在自己设下的圈套

假装自己已解开冰冷的手铐

女人心事

东区的咖啡座幽暗的沙发里
总有几张熟悉的脸
那种聪明带点防卫的气质
想放弃却又不甘心的样子
越过她的肩膀空洞洞的视线
摩登女子灰色心事
那种以为自己什么都可以
喝了酒却又哭得像个孩子
我听见(爱我的人在哪边)渴望的泪
我看见(伤心的故事一遍遍)我的从前
曾经我也痛过我也恨过怨过放弃过
在自己的房间里觉得幸福遗弃我
如果没有分离背叛的丑陋
怎么算是真爱过
请你试著相信一爱再爱不要低下头
别怕青春消逝就不信单纯的美梦
我在这岸看着你游
为你的坚持感动
你会的有一天会幸福的

我会幸福嗎﹖

Rotten Sunday

I've got a myriad of things to blog given the day has barely passed and i haven't even had any food. Bear with my grumbling...

I supposed i was overwhelmed by exhaustion yesterday. My brains were all filled by negative and upsetting things. Spoke to "Oscarised" last night and i mentioned if she's back in Singapore, she could come snuggle the Saturday night wth me and watch at DVD at my place or something. Then we came to realise, if she's in Singapore, she wouldn't even have time for all these ro for me for that matter of fact haha. But due to the time difference, when i'm lazing at home in the evening, she's also preparing to tie up loose ends and head for the bed so we could chat till the cows come home and we did. It's odd how lucky i am to have friends saying "when i come back to Singapore, i'll whack the person who upset you" or "i'll send the ah beng to beat that fellow up. How can he do this to you?" I'm usually the protective big sister because i've always felt the need to protect my little brother but in reality, i always feel vulnerable and it's nice to know that you're protected by people who will attempt to shield the pain for you. "Oscarised" , can we make it a point to spend more quality time when you decide to come back for good? Oh and i'd like to play mahjong with your sister... and possibly your Mom. You've got the best parents in the world and send your parents a kiss from the Princess when you speak to them the next time.

When guys say you're more than a friend, do they mean, you're a good friend, a buddy, a special friend, a special someone or "you're just a friend and i don't wanna upset you so don't read too much into it."? Just a wonder... Pour in your comments, i'd like to hear your opinions. Tag me!

Would you change your job to think of long term possible prospects or would you stay in a good, possibly better environment that you're already enjoying. Should one be adventurous and to venture out into new grounds and not look back even if you're bitten? I do not want to turn back neither do i want to be adventurous now. I was so courageous at one point in time that it seems as though nothing, absolutely nothing is going to make me stay in what i believe is a shithole. This is NOT a shithole, in fact it's a haven alot of people would love to be in. Am i stupid or what? Should i stay? My heart tells me to but too many complicating thoughts are just telling me to to be less complacent and more adventurous. Do i really want to move?

I was given permission to hire someone at work to help me. This is essentially someone who wants to do a pure administrative role. Now i know why employers have headache and why some candidates simply look good on paper but never turn out to be hired by the prospective employers. A few weeks ago i resorted to telling my colleagues that we should hire this girl because her name begins with a J. You see, everyone in my office has a J name. My ex-boss, my current boss, my colleague, my right hand at work and of course, myself. So we usually shout across the room.. "Jjjjuuu...jjjjeeee....jjjaaa... Argh why are we all JJJJJJ" but it's fun and i even heard they were very excited after they have decided to hir me some months ago. My current boss went back to the office and told therest of the office, "Guess what? She's a J. Jasmine!" To think about it is hilarious.

My dog was whining this morning and eventually woke me up. I'm happy with my weekend timing this time round, i slept early and woke up early. The best part, i had sufficient sleep! Yoohooo!!! It's about time i need to catch up on my anti-aging regime. I'm back on my "rejuvenating, anti-wrinkling" regime that cost me a bomb. I told a friend, "Estee Lauder cheated me of my money". But do you know, Estee Lauder is already the cheaper option. Much much cheaper. Right now i only wanna get a feet scrub. My feet got really rough after hours of running on the sand yesterday. My skin is peeling and my feet look like they belong to a construction worker.

CNY shopping must commence immediately! I've met up with some people twice and got no shopping done except skin care. I'm not going to wear my aging skin and go out for CNY. This year i can't "bai nian" because my grandma just passed away but Dad says as long as we don't bring oranges or wish people, we're fine. So must still look good for CNY right? ok i'm too tired to blog anymore, to be continued after i get some food.

I just had cornflakes and i'm back in action. Spoke to Inuka the Pig, she's quite clever to see what was bothering me and she was spot on. Do not ever doubt a woman's sixth sense. Just like how Blood Red guessed "the flower", it all came true. "The flower" really wasn't simple. The flower had the dog's attention, all the time. BR, i so need to tell you this on Monday. It's funny yet frustrating but i could only say, a woman's sixth sense, is simply unbelieveable.

I'm having my period which is why i wasn't in the best of moods these days. I've been grumbling about everything, anything and barely anyone knew what i was talking about. Maybe i should just heed "Gay Club Ringleader"'s advice to do the Mirena thing. But i'm not even sexually active, it's a bit expensive right. The day i deicde to do that, you know i've found someone i love and decided to do some family planning. "Gay Club Ringleader" is bringing "No Idea Why We All Call Her Rachel" to do it and because he told me that, i knew their relationship is stable and heading north. I's just a feeling. A girl wouldn't say yes to something this invasive, not needle or anything but invasive as in the discomfort of a foreign object stuck up inside you constantly releasing hormones regulating substances. Then again, friends on the Pill had been encouraging me to take it just because i'm physically active and it does affects my sports and beach days. So Mirena or Pill?

Today's Grandma's 100 days. I don't know how to blog it anymore. Spoke to Inuka the Pig and Black Pepper yesterday, it's such a torment to bear with the pain of losing a loved one. Losing the person who loves you the most and brought you up, the pain is indescribable. I still can't stop tearing. I wish she can be here when the world fails me, when guys fail me, when work fail me, when friends fail me, i know she for one, will never fail me.

On this rotten Sunday, i only wanna rot with my dog. Get a drink. Cry in my bed. Sleep and dream about beautiful things and wake up tomorrow to reality.

Dum Dum, I want and i need to talk to you.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Sore



I have to say it was a great deal of fun today to be out with these boys.

Right inside me at this point in time, i'm not particulary interested to talk about what we did but to give you a brief idea, the rain came intermittently but didn't quite interrrupted the softball, touch rugby, dodgeball, etc. The sun was weak but nonetheless, present and its effects was seen on my arms and legs. I have to admit there was a huge deal of fun, laughter, sand, hugs, sweat, pain, oil... It was great.

On a separate note...

There was some sort of anticipation and dismay deep inside me. Maybe it's just PMS, maybe it's just a fact that i can't digest. The dismay didn't quite follow the anticipation, it is the unexpected that caused the dismay. Rather i should say it is the thing that i didn't quite want it to happen but some part of me knew it was happening but denial got the better of me and when it is right in front of your eyes, you can't help but feel stupid for believing things some people said. I have told myself so many times not to believe in stuffs people say but see it for myself, i got taught the best lesson recently.

I thought you had me at hello and i was told that i was being liked and missed by you. I thought this vehicle was going at first gear then it picked up to second but in actual fact, the vehicle didn't move at all. It's the cars beside me moving that gave me the illusion that i was moving.

The hug never came. The hug will never come. I rather never to have anticipated the hug. I wish you've never looked at me in my eyes so i wouldn't miss the smile glimmering in your eyes.

I was stupid to have told you how i felt and thought what you said were genuine about how you felt. But when i saw you, you just were not the person i've been texting with. I felt like an idiot near you. To think of it, i've never quite heard you over the line, maybe i was in a dream i just refuse to wake up from and indulged myself to sleep through it longer. I never thought i'd say things like, you never had time for me because i knew better, that you had more meaningful things in your life which is true. But you never ever had that one minute to call to say hello. The truth is i'm just hallucinating. Whenever i stole a glimpse, it was never something i would want to see. Sometimes you feel so near, at other times, you're just faraway. I guess now you're just getting further and further away. I've lost the grip which i've never possessed. Now i've even lost grip in myself. I'm just a loser.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Interesting Description of A Capricorn Woman

Tag and let me know how true this thing is...

CAPRICORN WOMAN

A tall (??) slim (??), cool(??) and quiet(??) woman. Once she is mad she can be very fierce. She can work better than some men and she is very highly confident woman. In her opinion, a woman is not just a flower or decoration at home or in an office and certainly not the weaker sex who needs protection. She likes to control and hide her weak emotions.

She will never try to change anyone, but she will learn to accept them as they are. If she does not like someone, she will not comment or criticise but she will completely ignore that person.

She hates plastic and artificial flowers because it make her feel that you are not being sincere. She loves real flowers and it's scent. She loves a guy who wear after shave cologne. If you are the type of a guy who wear your jeans one month before washing, or wear old sneakers, then you can forget about her.

She loves music and nature even there is a rare case otherwise. She loves to go picnic in nature, so if you don't have so much time for her, you can take her fishing too. (Ya right...)

She is not as jealous as the Aquarius or Leo woman, but do not cross the line. Better not to see her get mad, especially in front of public when she feels like she's losing face. She loves to make herself up and dress perfectly and she's very neat, so never rush her for this matter.

She has her own goal in life and does not care if you have a doctorate degree or not, if she thinks you are not bright then she will not care about you at all. She likes smart people by character not by certification. If you can not show her this quality, go and take a bus and go to the next stop.

She does not like a dreamer who talk about his dream but never put his hands in action to make it happens. Don't bother to tell her "everyone is doing it, you should do it too", or "I think you should do it, it's good foryou", because she will do what she wants to do only.

She is a neat and tidy person, so if your apartment is a pigsty , do not take her there. If you go out on a date with her , try to be presentable such as nice and clean clothes, clean nails or else it will be your last date.

She is a cool type and will not nag, so easy on your ears. She is a slow but sure type. She will always respect and honor you and will never try to make you lose your face. If she loves you, she will help you in anything you do. She likes to help people and expect nothing in return. If she asks you for a favor and does not get one, she will feel very disappointed.

She has very high hopes and faith and believes in her own confidence than believing in"Luck". If she is your wife, you will have nice and clean home and a gourmet cooking. If your parents visit your house, they will be pleased. She is a 3 in 1 means , a perfect mother, a perfect housewife, a perfect wife or you could say "happily ever after".

6 weeks; 6 months; 6 years

If there's anything that's going to deter anyone from going into a relationship or marriage, here it is:-

Dating process:
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??

Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.

Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!

Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??

New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?

Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

TV:
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself.

Alcohol...

The limit of tolerance was peaked last night.

Drinks followed naturally after dinner with "Blood Red" and my old time church choir mate, "Speedy Gonzales". What was initially an after dinner drink grew into games of bluff which of course meant more alcohol. For someone who's a cheap drinker like myself, wine for lunch was fine, whiskey after dinner was fine, both were fine, game drinking wasn't. I wasn't in the best mood and my mates knew it so she made sure i drank and i did. Happily. To a point where i couldn't hear much longer, i knew i was gone. Then again, i could still sing while waiting for the washroom. I wasn't quite super duper drunk, i think i was just really upset.

But this morning, i felt much much better. Alcohol does work to a certain extent! I'm feeling so much better today. I do not want to be bothered with nitty gritty stupid boys stuffs now. Right now, career come first, says Blood Red and i'm going to be doing just that.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Ah Poo Neh & The Big Brown Bear

When we were bored, we did this...

CCM says:
i was at the airport one day
BR says:
when a Bear ran in
CCM says:
the crowd dispersed in a millisecond
BR says:
suddenly the Bear grabbed an air stewardess
CCM says:
from behind and she screamed, while trying to break off the bear's grip
BR says:
an on looking indian cleaner felt that this was his chance to do something heroic
CCM says:
so he went to fetch the broom from the toilet
BR says:
and took a rug as his cape
CCM says:
he ran as fast and he could with his cape flying gloriously,
BR says:
then he "zam" break cos he realised he wasn't wearing boots & all super heroes wore boots!
CCM says:
but no worries, he could do the "breaking" dance
BR says:
HE spun towards his trolley & found his bright neon yellow boots
CCM says:
he jumped into the boots like how puss jumped in his
BR says:
meanwhile the distressed air stewardess was screaming:" HELP!!!"
CCM says:
Upon seeing his beloved in the bear's arms, he ran to the bear and said
BR says:
:' eh u!! blardy idiotic teddy bear.. u gib me my girl back"
CCM says:
The angry bear then turn around and roared with his greatest might
BR says:
ah neh stuffed the end of his broom up the bear's ass before he realised wat was happening
CCM says:
then Ah Neh said, "don't you dare touch friend's girl, she's from TIGER airways hor, you want problem you come to me, my name is Ah Poo Neh!"
BR says:
The bear in pain released the girl
CCM says:
and started crying
BR says:
the miraculously the bear Started to talk in a human voice
CCM says:
he said, "my SIA girl left me 10 years ago and married a voodoo guru"
BR says:
"i Loved my girl alot & vowed to get her back"

To be continued...

Shattered

Has love always been defensive?

What happened to love at first sight or that love is all we need?

Shouldn't falling in love be as natural as "click - you know it or you don't"?

Didn't Romeo and Juliet entangle themselves in this undying love because they were simply in love and not think about the other realities in life?

Is falling in love exclusive of external factors? For many of us, it's not. It means the difference in age, social status, financial status, etc. For once, i think love should just be love and be exclusive of all other factors. Other times, it's the emotional barrier that's harder to break through. We have all gone through the ego inflation and deflation which makes your heart beat faster and more confusing than the New York stock exchange's biddings.

But the harsh reality is, we all have some sort of defensive mechanism to reject what may post possible hardship for us in future.

Can we ever put down our defense to try to experience what love can actually bring? I've tried but very soon, the defensive mechanism went back right on and i'm wary as to whether i can be truly in acceptance again. Exhaustion has set in, the pain is still tingling. Gosh, i just realise how much i desire for you to use your strong arms to pull me close to your chest, using your hand to hold my head close to your chest so that i can listen to your heartbeat, putting your other hand around me protecting me from the world and gently kiss me on my forehead and tell me, "Dear, you belong to me and only to me."

This is like a dream shattering into dust and gone with the wind...


从来不相信我的世界可以有多完美
痛苦寂寞还有一些疲惫
不允许他人随意进入我的零度空间
宁愿孤独懒的再去想谁
俩个人一起是否只是得到一种安慰
挣脱过去然后忘记一切
没想过有天我的结局忽然全部改变
谁会抓住我的无力双臂

怎么会哭
(谁错谁对为谁抱歉)
不会再哭
(谁错谁对为谁憔悴)

走入零度空间等到一切分裂
就算爱的危险我们一起面对

来不及的防备没听过的誓言
要我怎么学会多了爱的明天

走出零度空间终于一切分裂
就算爱的很累我却不会后悔

放下所有防备一切都无所谓
逃出黑暗世界开始新的明天

新的明天

俩个人一起是否只是得到一种安慰
挣脱过去然后忘记一切
没想过有天我的结局忽然全部改变
谁会抓住我的无力双臂

怎么会哭
(谁错谁对为谁抱歉)
不会再哭
(谁错谁对为谁憔悴)

走入零度空间等到一切分裂
就算爱的危险我们一起面对

来不及的防备没听过的誓言
要我怎么学会多了爱的明天

走出零度空间终于一切分裂
就算爱的很累我却不会后悔

放下所有防备一切都无所谓
逃出黑暗世界开始新的明天

新的明天

走出零度空间终于一切分裂
就算爱的很累我却不会后悔

放下所有防备一切都无所谓
逃出黑暗世界开始新的明天

新的明天
新的世界

Monday, January 22, 2007

Somewhere In Between

"Blood Red" wants me to listen to this song by Lifehouse and told me it says alot about my current mood. It's great to be able to bitch with her after such a long time and our 12 or 13 year relationship has not just ended without news. I knew we could have gone on and on at Burger King but we didn't had to because whenever i need to, i know you'll be there. Thanks babe. I love you and i know you're happy, that's the most important. I'll be right here whenever you need these puny shoulders.

I cant be losing sleep over this, no I cant
And now I can not stop pacing
Give me a few hours, Ill have all this sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing

Cause I cannot stand still
I cant be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

This is over my head but underneath my feet
Cuz by tomorrow morning Ill have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy

Cuz Im waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And Im somewhere in between
What is real, and just a dream
What is real, and just a dream
What is real, and just a dream

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
Dont be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I dont want to run away from this
I know that I just dont need this

Cause I cannot stand still
I cant be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

Cuz Im waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And Im somewhere in between
What is real, and just a dream
What is real, and just a dream
What is real, and just a dream

"Inuka the Pig" & "Empty Box"

It's always nice to see couples in love, no matter how long they have been together. Even the occassional bicker and names calling sounds really affectionate. Met this couple recently through a friend, "Inuka the Pig" and "Empty Box". I don't deny that every couple will have their own problems but when they have the unique solutions and the amount of give and take in that relationship they put in, you know it will work. Well unless there's a freak sudden problem that is.

"Inuka the Pig" is this sweet little girl who is probably one of the best person to talk rubbish to over MSN. "Empty Box" is this utterly unromantic bloke but you know he loves "Inuka the Pig" a hell lot. I'm so envious.

They spend their weekends snuggling and visiting Sheba and Inuka at the zoo. They don't talk all the time but she trys and he does it too. He knows he's not romantic but he's heeding advices from the "Loveless Guru" and well, that's me. The way he proclaims his love with icons of him kissing her is simply too sweet for my weak decaying tooth.

"Inuka the Pig" - You're a really nice girl and i like talking to you. I know you'll be a great buddy. Cheers!

"Empty Box" - Time you give her the empty box, dude!

Sunday, January 21, 2007

9 of My Nieces and Nephews



Just found this Picture and according to Didi, this is one of the two copies of this picture so it's really precious. For those who are reading and you do not happen to be one of my cousins or nieces and nephews, the above picture shows part of the nieces and nephews contingent.

I hope i get all the names correct, well at least by Ah Boy's knowledge of his cousins,

from left to right, Ah Bee(Yao Dong), Ah Cai(Orh Gui Zai), ?? (Whoever this is, please own up - just wondering, is it Hiao Hiao Elvin?), Gor Gor (Kelvin), Ah Jing, Ah Mei, Eddie, Ah Boy (Kevin) - He's my age so you roughly know when this picture was taken, Ah Boy Jie Jie.

They were all terribly cute right. Ah Boy told me that this coming Chinese New Year he'll be getting all his cousins to to his place to take pictures so we'll get the updated version after CNY hopefully. Looking forward...

I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing

This post is probably not going to contain one of my best language ability, not even on a prep level. My mind is confused and i'm really unable to organise my thoughts and be able to write them in any sensible sequence. Being the legally trained person i am, i had to disclaim and in anycase you feel like scolding me for being such a nutter or a brainless idiot, please feel free to call and scold me because my tears and hugs need an outlet.

I have to admit that i haven't been feeling good these days. Spoke to "I Got My Name While Learning To Ride A Horse" earlier on and he was talking about his gf giving him major problems because she's too insecure. Now they're taking a week off in their relationship. M, Come back to Singapore! I'll give you a hug!

I did try to convince him that he's lucky someone loves him so much and such but surprisingly, i was defending the girl and not him. However when i heard the details of the story, he does have my sympathy and i do agree the girl went a little overboard, then again, it's for love, it can easily be forgiven and i would forgive people who demand because they love. I told him he's lucky that he's got someone to snuggle in bed with on Sunday mornings and have someone to hug and kiss him with no quantiy ceiling. Value the person who is next to you. You'll know it sucks when you've got no one. I was in a relationship where the other party was too possessive and overly jealous, i survived because i knew he loved me. I've learnt to live with it, i'm glad i didn't leave him because he loved me too much.

However, this whole overly possessive thing is coming back to me like a recurring nightmare. I'm not with anyone, let alone someone who is possessive. I think i've fallen for someone whom i shouldn't be falling for. No not my boss, no not my colleagues, no not my cousins, no not some French bloke, just a man who is full of himself, clever but sends "i'm actually stupid" text messages, someone whom i'd love to laugh with and snuggle in bed on Sunday mornings, someone whom i'll look forward running half the world with, someone whom i'd want to go to the movies with, someone whom i'd wanna walk the dog with. I suppose i'm not bright enough to be sending out all the bloody wrong signals.

Don't get me wrong, not one of those, "i wanna flirt with you but don't want a relationship" sort of signals. He thinks i'm open which i am on certain spectrum but on a closer inspection, i'm actually one of the most conservative creatures you'll ever meet, though it's not quite reflected in my actions and dress sense. Well since he thinks i'm open, he sends me really really sweet text messages which sends smiles on my face stretching from ear to ear everytime i see them. (BTW, i smile at the slightest sweet thing he says - gosh i'm mad!) The messages were filled with hugs and kisses and so i thought he might be interested in me and i did reciprocate those messages thinking he's someone nice, funny, clever, cute, interesting whom i'd want to go out with.

Until today when the frequency of acting stupid was getting a little too much for me to take(well because usually guys will make certain move which he never did and i do not want to play the guessing game any longer), to begin with i wasn't in a great mood and when you actually do you scroll down to read my last post, you'll know. I was straight about the hugs and kisses and it was misleading me, and if he hadn't had any intention to bring this forward, he should stop. He mentioned that anyone who falls for him will be in all sorts of trouble and i replied that i'm probably in trouble. Up to this point, which of you guys out there does not get what i'm trying to say. It's already so explicit. Get it?

The reason why i said he's a clever man trying to act like a blonde in his texts, God knows from which messages, i was promoted to the "buddy status". Girls reading this, when someone(usually a girl but in this case it's a guy) says we'll be friends or you felt like a friend or we're in the friend zone or you're such a buddy, it only means "you're a nice friend but you're not good enough to be my passenger if i only have a coupe" or "you haven't got legs like Giselle hence you don't qualify to be my girl" or simply, "i do not like you in the romantically inclined way." I read it in a more subtle way, i do not want to be in any relationship with you but if THE girl comes by, all hell will break loose and i'll just ignore whatever principles i have. Basically, the guy just doesn't like me, or anyone for the matter of fact, enough to commit. Gosh i was stupid to even think he's got a liking, i do think too highly of myself, haven't i. But hey, i'm VERY eligible ok? I'm beginning to sound incoherent, ain't i? I'm losing it! It's HIS LOSS! Right? (*breaking down after screaming that)

Having said all that, i don't mind being the buddy and i guess i'll end up being the buddy, the Aunt Aggie when he ever encounters such problems with someone else. I always end up as the buddy don't i? Maybe because i'm just like "one of the guys".

He mentioned before that this is a nice song, i don't disagree and i loved this song since school days but it's just too sarcastic to be hearing it now.

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
Far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Well, every moment spent with you
Is a moment I treasure

I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing

Lying close to you
Feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together
And I just wanna stay with you
In this moment forever, forever and ever

I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing

I don't wanna miss one smile
I don't wanna miss one kiss
Well, I just wanna be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just wanna hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time

Don't wanna close my eyes
Don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
'Cause I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing

I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing

Don't wanna close my eyes
Don't wanna fall asleep, yeah
I don't wanna miss a thing

Saturday, January 20, 2007

A Letter To A Faraway Place

My tears can't be stopped.

I can still feel your presence, so near yet so far.

It's been almost 3 months and i still can't help feeling the loss. I couldn't cry when you first left. I was needed. I needed to be strong for everyone. I needed to be strong for my Dad. I needed to be strong for my uncles and aunties. My tears were stopped. All the running around stopped me from thinking. All the emotions were hidden. After the funeral, i thought all was over. I got to know the nephews and nieces i never knew existed. They became my new best friends and i love their company.

When night falls and when i'm all alone on my bed, staring at the empty space you used to sleep, when i was trying to ignore your snores and trying to get to sleep, my tears just came running down. I wish you can be here, i want you to snore so i know you're right beside me, keeping me company, loving me, caring for me...

In front of everyone, i seemed the emotionless girl without tears and laughing just after you passed on. In fact i'm quite happy that you're not in pain anymore I can't help missing you. I can still see your face when you were smiling, when i visited you, when you were weak and bedridden, when you lie in your final resting place.

Will you visit me in my dreams tonight?

I can't stop crying. Please come back... I know i'm silly. I should know better that this will never happen but i miss you too much. I wanna be the kid you held in your arms again and tug your blouse, "please don't go", "please come back", "please don't leave me here alone". I miss you.


Friday, January 19, 2007

All Good Things Come To An End

Loves Nelly Furtado's songs because you can just sing along with it. First heard this song during one of the mahjong sessions, didn't quite hit in or got what it meant but heard the live version, it was really good and speaks about alot of young female executives out there walking right smack in the middle of Raffles Place, finding a good place to spend some time during lunch hour and hopefully find something to look forward to after the clock hits 6.30pm at the end of today being the end of a stress loaded week. How many of us actually do have anything to look forward to after work apart from the usual martinis and pray that there'll be some excellent company.

Although the rhythm of the Nelly Furtado's song, "All Good Things Come To An End" is rather bouncy, not exactly perky, guess i just wanna say rhythmic. The lyrics were quite a shocker when i Googled it. Felt like some secret shoutouts from deep inside me which i never quite realised. Here it is, ENJOY!

Dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon so that they could die

Honestly what will become of me
I don't like reality
It's way too clear to me
But really life is daily
We are what we don't see
We missed everything daydreaming

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end

Travelling I always stop at exits
Wondering if I'll stay
Young and restless
Living this way I stress less
I want to pull away when the dream dies
The pain sets it and I don't cry
I only feel gravity and I wonder why

And the sun was wondering if it should stay away for a day until the feeling went away
And the clouds were dropping and the...
The rain forgot how to bring salvation
The dogs were whistling a new tune barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon so that they could die


Personally, some snuggling with an ideal snuggler is all i'm looking forward to after a hard day's work.

The following lyrics is for my buddy, "Blood Red", we've come a long way and i know this is how you feel. Go out shopping girl and thanks for being there for me. I don't wanna be a doormat, i wanna be the dreamgirl. I only wanna be HIS dreamgirl but i also know, i do not want to need him if i'm not needed by him and you know girl, i've woken up from my senses. Like i've been saying these days, "Happiness is being needed by the one you love" and i wanna be happy, just like your Auntie "I'm Pretty and I'm Free So I'm Happy". I am me. Simply me. I want to be happy.

Pussycat Dolls - I Don't Need A Man!
I see you looking at me
Like I got something for you
And the way that you stare
Don't you dare
'Cause I'm not about to
Just give it on up to you
'Cause there are some things I won't do
And I'm not afraid to tell you
I don't ever want to leave you confused

The more you try
The less I buy it
And I don't have to think it through
You know if I'm into you

I don't need a man to make it happen
I get off being free
I don't need a man to make me feel good
I get off doing my thing
I don't need a ring around my finger
To make me feel complete
So let me break it down
I can get off when you ain't around
Oh!

You know I got my own life
And I bought everything that's in it
So if you want to be with me
It ain't all about the bling you bringing
I want a love that's for real
And without that then no deal
And baby I don't need a hand
If it only wants to grab one thing

The more you try
The less I buy it
And I don't have to think it through
You know if I'm feeling you

I don't need a man to make it happen
I get off being free
I don't need a man to make me feel good
I get off doing my thing
I don't need a ring around my finger
To make me feel complete
So let me break it down
I can get off when you ain't around

Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go

I don't need a
I don't need a man, I don't
I don't need a man
I'll get me through
'Cause I know I'm fine
I feel brand new

I don't need a
I don't need a man, I don't
I don't need a man
I'll make it through
'Cause I know I'm fine
Without you!

I don't need a man to make it happen
I get off being free
I don't need a man to make me feel good
I get off doing my thing
I don't need a ring around my finger
To make me feel complete
So let me break it down
I can get off when you ain't around
Oh!

I don't need a man (I'm over you)
I don't need a man (I'm over you)
I don't need a man
(I'm without you)
(I'm over you)

I don't need a man
I don't need a man
I don't need a man

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Cramping In...

I'm having this MAJOR stomach cramp today and i prayed like never before on my way to work, i felt like i was dying and ready to just pass out on the streets. I think my prayers aren't working because i was fooling around when they said grace last night and i just went like "Grace, Amen" haha. It's been so long since i met the girls and i miss them big time.

As usual, "Curly Gem" was always there when i needed to whine about all the stupid guys around me and to bring me back into my senses by telling me, "Look, this is what i say when i'm sweet-talking a girl, all the virtual hugs and kisses are NOTHING!" This morning, i realise, i'm still living in denial but "Curly Gem"'s words really rang the alarm and i started to retreat like a hermit being shook out of its shell by this mischievous kid on the beach. I feel that i'm back in my shell and i think my stomach cramp's just makes the retreating way easier. I feel that my whole system is being being shut down this morning, physically & mentally.

I always thought i'm like a guy, whether i like something or i don't, i simply know it right away. Which in turn, makes spending money easy as well. I can walk into a shop and know if i like a certain piece in a millisecond and the decision making process doesn't take more than a couple of minutes. If i don't like it, i'll walk straight out IMMEDIATELY with no hesitation and being the stubborn mule that i am, i will go back to buy THAT one piece even if i can't afford it at that point in time. But if that particular piece does get sold or it's not for sale, then there's nothing i can do. Same thing in life, i know what i want but if that item was tagged and hung on the shelf, i would think it's for sale. But even if it's not, there's nothing much i could do right? But i need to know if it's for sale. How irritating it is if the salesperson come to you and promote this item, telling you the magic it does and how much the item wants to go home with you. The catch, it is NOT for sale! WTF!

Like i mentioned, i thought being that decisive, i'm just like a guy. That was before i found out, i'm still a girl right inside. Girls are the decisive creatures. Men/Guys are the indecisive species. They are the ones who can't make up their mind or decide if they want to walk. I always think that men are like cars (If you've read my blog from some months ago). Whatever car they may be, they are like constantly on the slope facing up. There will always be gravity. You can push this car, it's not going to move much unless the car's engine is started and the foot is set on the accelerator, ready to go. Sometimes it's just best to leave the car stationary, where it was.

Talking about cars, i went to watch One Last Dance last night. My piece of advice, DO NOT WATCH IT at ALL cost! I was trying to avoid yawning so i don't tear but if i don't tear, my eyes were prepared to close. I even saw people leaving the cinema midway, something i was all prepared to do but i thought "maybe the ending will be a pleasant surprise". Ya what surprise? It was utterly boring and to think i adore Francis Ng.

Oh back to cars, how can i not recognise that the yellow ride was a Honda Civic. I should be able to tell one from 2000 miles away. My dear friend, Victor, had been changing his Civic with another Civic and i've taken countless rides and i couldn't recognise it at all???!!! What happened to the nights of roundings at the old national library? How embarrassing! I have whacked my head like 2 million times when trying to get in his super low, super-car wannabe little black car and i can't tell a Civic! Someone kill me! I always felt proud that i can tell an Evo from a Rex or a Ferrari from a Lamborghini by hearing them pass by me (that is not difficult - however, i'm not that powerful as to be able to tell a V10 and V12 yet though) But for the sort of cars most of my friends drive and the car which i've probably spend more time in than any other car, i'm disappointed with my inability to tell that it is the same o'Honda.

It's a curse!

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Desperate House-Dweller

If i sounded desperate, no i'm not going to say that's because i am, i am not. I am NOT desperate, do not take pity on me at all! I just felt empty on this PMS-laden day. I'm tired and lethargic. I just need a hug.

My face is zit-infested.

Someone To Love Me Right, That Would Be Very Nice... So Nice

If a picture paints a thousand words, songs are comparatively insignificant to pictures. I've never been this into Chinese songs but i'm still not as bad as my two nieces. From Chinese songs idiots to "we can go ktv by ourselves and we love chinese songs" lunatics, these two cute babies are a huge influence in the music i listen to.

I've never quite liked S.H.E if my readers even know who they are but i always seem to be able to chant according to their songs all thanks to my S.H.E crazy brother who has got S.H.E's posters as his wallpaper, not just for his computer but his room as well. Must i mention that he plays their songs like the recorder's in a really bad shape? He's insane. This chirpy song by the 3 girls kinda send a smile to my face. The upbeat tempo just makes you wanna repeat this song over and again. I'm kind enough to share the lyrics with you people, that is, if you are able to read Chinese characters. Proudly, i don't have a problem with that, i can even draft in Mandarin. (*laughs hysterically)

Here it goes,

S.H.E-触电

风走在我们前面
甩裙摆画着圆圈
花美得兴高采烈
那香味有点阴险

你在我旁边的旁边
但影子却肩碰肩
偷看一眼
你的唇边
是不是也有笑意明显

明明是昨天的事情
怎么今天我还在经历
一丁点回忆都能惊天又动地
想问个愚蠢问题
我们再这样下去
你猜会走到哪里

但请你不要太快揭开还沉默的情话
先让我多着急一下再终于等到解答
太容易的爱故事就不耐人回味啦
像这样触电
就够我快乐熔化

我们就耐心培养萌芽不要急着开花
反正有长长的日记等我们去填满它
在被全世界发现以前先愉快装傻
就这样触电
一直甜蜜触电
直到爆炸

像一年四个季节
都被你变成夏天
我才会在你面前
总是被晒红了脸

像一百万个秋千
在我心里面叛变
被你指尖
碰到指尖
我瞬间就被荡到天边

Was in a "i wanna snuggle up to someone, smell him then slowly fall asleep while watching him" mood last night but the downside, there's no him. Just like a joke we shared in the office - Everything is ready, the bride's all dressed up, got a house nicely decorated with state of the art kitchen and a cosy bedroom with an incredible wardrobe, dream wedding by the beach with the pink and white ribbons is all set, all of you are invited for the reception. Gifts are exempted but please bring the groom with you! Back to what i was trying to say, i digged out Stacey Kent and was running it the entire night. It was great being with myself but after finding myself sending a last good night message out, i knew i wanted something else. There's a reason why my blog is titled "Snuggle With Me". It's like a hidden desire, well not really hidden since you're greeted by how much i desire to be hugged and kissed on the top right hand corner of this blog. But i would like to share this song which lullabied me to sleep last night and i love it.

Someone to hold me tight
That would be very nice
Someone to love me right
That would be very nice
Someone to understand
Each little dream in me
Someone to take my hand
To be a team with me
So nice, life would be so nice
If one day I'd find
Someone who would take my hand
And samba through life with me

Someone to cling to me
Stay with me right or wrong
Someone to sing to me
Some little samba song
Someone to take my heart
And give his heart to me
Someone who's ready to
Give love a start with me

Oh yes, that would be so nice
Shouldn't we, you and me?
I can see it will be nice…

Friday, January 12, 2007

Birthday Hangover

With a glass of shiraz on hand and a late night yesterday, i just want to forget about work and blog about my birthday. Thank you for all the text messages by all who remembered and loves me.

My birthday was smashing! The KTV room was huge so was our laughter. This has got to be blessings of my Grandma watching me from above. I've never felt more fulfilled and loved in my entire life. Most of my closest nices, nephews and cousins were there. I had the most lovely birthday cake, my personal favourite, Passionfruit Meringue, courtesy of "Pretty Ka-Chng". I sang 等一个晴天 by 蔡淳佳 and it had a very special meaning for my "Pretty Ka-Chng" and myself. My eyes welled when i was singing that. I will be posting the lyrics and if i've done it before, just bear with me, it means ALOT to me.

阳光中风筝断了线
往事般落在我面前
那是谁忘了放风筝握紧一点
捡起了那年的秋天

阳光中我住雨里面
你给我风筝和蓝天
那是我忘了将幸福握紧一点
感谢你最后的相约

等一个晴天
我们会再相见
你说了风吹我就听见
笑着说再见
就一定会再见
心晴朗就看得到永远

阳光在抚摸我的脸
感觉到你还在身边
那是秋牵回忆的手温暖一点
我独自散步在从前

阳光在照亮你的脸
难忘你微笑的双眼
那是你让离别可以晴朗一点
你背影我目送到今天

等一个晴天
我们会再相见
你说了风吹我就听见
笑着说再见
就一定会再见
心晴朗就看得到永远

等一个晴天
我们会再相见
你说了风吹我就听见
笑着说再见
就一定会再见
心晴朗就看得到永远

因为很想念
每天都是晴天
心晴朗就看到永远

阳光中风筝飞上天
你笑着回到我面前
让我像那风筝贴着天空的脸
让爱是今生不断的线

Thank you all nieces, nephews and cousins who came to grace the occasion last night and it was my best birthday ever. I look forward to more laughter and fun with all of you. Once again, thank you.

On a different note, men just never seem to get what girls are trying to say right. C'mon, i've posted this ages before, speak up when you feel it or the girl will never know. It's tough for girls to take the initiative, show a little love. It wouldn't hurt. If anything, your life will only be more complete thereafter. I need a hug. That's all i need.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Happy Birthday to Me!

It has got to be my BEST birthday EVER!

I had my first birthday cake two days ago at a friend's chalet. It was a combined birthday with someone i barely knew but the whole 3 days of chalet was insanely fun!. Love playing the bone game seeing "Sir Uncle" gobble down fishballs, "Sir Fit Fit" cursing and swearing on top of his voice, "Sir Canine" grabbing his bone with natural canine instinct. The girls weren't far behind. "Mdm Uncle" and "I-fell-down-while-playing-the-game Sweetie" were my Power Puff girly buddies and we helped each other with fishballs and satays. I LLLOOOVVVVEEEE IT! Thank you, "Sit-At-The-Same-Table-And-Have-Dinner-Together Buddy"

Came to work reluctantly today but it wasn't so bad. No doubt, it's been really busy given my absence for the past 2 days and the emails been piling up but my colleagues were so sweet, they got me a cheesecake from Fullerton and i love it! Will post the picture tonight when i get home, if i'm still not dead. My bestest left hand left me nice smelling stuffs before she went on leave, i think she thinks i stink. Wahahaha!!!

Tonight would be the grand finale and something i really look forward to. I'm going KTV with my nieces, nephews and cousins. My favourite cousin, "Ultimate Power Power Ka-Chng" will be getting me a passionfruit meringue and i already love it when she told me. Will post on the happenings tonight. (Again, if i get home awake.)

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Old Friends vs Good Friends

We all have old friends, not in terms of age but for the prolonged period of time since you've met the person, you do give each other hugs when you see one another, you go to his prom night during college, when your loved ones passes on, he'll call to check out on you but these are mere short contacts which cuts off after you press the red button on your mobile. Could it be myself that i wasn't proactive enough in maintaining this friendship?

Good friends are keepers but not that the former isn't. I went out for dinner with one sec school mate late night and it was fun. Though we never had anything non-platonic going on, i feel guilty that i might be partly responsible for his failed marriage. Well you see, wives do get jealous over female buddies and knowing the woman that i am as much as all you girls out there, we're bottomless pits of jealousy. I'm glad at least this friend is THE keeper. We can chat about anything under the sky and not feel offended with mindless comments. To talk about staying together was great and to plan for contingency like if you ever meet a guy/girl and have to move out, what will happen and NO it's not fuck buddy, no sex or even emotions that go further than simply friends are involved or ever will. One day, he will find his princess and i will keep my third eye on the watch because he's really someone who will appreciate a girl the right way. Take this as an advertisement if you wish, he does deserve a good girl.

If his ex-wife is reading this, though it might never ever happen, you have just missed out on the man who loves you more than anything. Your suspicious character had put me as a likely suspect and you couldn't be more wrong. There could be platonic friendster between opposite sexes and we're just one of the many good examples out there. Adn up till today, nothing has changed and never will so you are just so wrong. This mistake is costing you your lifelong happiness and you are bound to live to regret your dumb decision.