Happy 2010

In 2007, same time of the year, I forced myself to dress up for a party when I was in Manhattan. I was down with viral fever and the aches were killing me. It felt miserable in winter and being all alone in the apartment surely didn't help. I needed to get out! I did and the night wasn't as fun as I anticipated it to be but my aches were gone. Partying helps I suppose.

This is 2009. I'm down with viral fever again! The aches are killing me. I couldn't sleep in peace last night. Dreams plagued the night. Stinky perspiration soaked the bedsheets. Goosebumps can be spotted everywhere on my body. My back hurts. My arse hurts. My skin hurts. My bones hurt. This feels too miserable. I'm beginning to think, viral fever loves welcoming the new year.

I hope that's the last of the suffering that's going to happen in 2009 and 2010 will just be a fantastic year. All the aches and pain will be left here in 2009 and we're not bringing any along. 2010 will be absolutely wonderful.

Go attend a party or something and get your arse out of the house!

Limping With Fear

When you feel life has finally taken a right turn, your worst suspicions come falling down on you. You become the worst of your nightmares. You slump into the further abyss of no return. Fear becomes the most cruel of all murderers. Doubts about the rest of the world falls on you all at once. Tears become the first thing to hide and being strong is inevitable. Self protection mechanism kicks in almost immediately.

Powerless is the only emotion. Prayers are like crutches enabling you to walk. How far is this journey going to be?

Merry Christmas!

This has got to be one of the best Christmas by far given the turbulent year that precedes it. Started from the Christmas service last Sunday at the Singapore Indoor Stadium. The message wasn't as powerful as what it was like last year but I firmly believe that 2010 is going to be an excellent year.

A birthday surprise began the night and spending some time just sitting around with friends was already more than what I could ask for. A "budgeted" dinner turned out to be hilarious as usual. The usual quips sent laughter filling up the room. Coupled with great food, the evening just got better. For us, the night couldn't possibly end without some singing and alcohol. The presence of KWD just completed the best picture.

My night didn't end there because I'm a very talkative drunk. The evil concoction of insufficient sleep and alcohol didn't stop the inaudible mumbling. Don't ask me what I said because I don't remember but I genuinely believe I would only tell the truth when I have too much to drink. It's the only time when you let go of all your inhibitions and nothing holds you back from what you never dared to bring it beyond your lips. Fortunately, only KWD got to hear all the rubbish that would have sounded nonsensical to any bystander.

All in all, it was a great night out and I'm already looking forward to Christmas dinner tonight.

Cooking & Chomping

May I just say the worst part of cooking is the cleaning up? Putting some system into place did made things easier. I've been unofficially appointed as the chef for the household... Well, not everyday that is. That's what chefs do right? All they do is to instruct the cooks and watch on. Jokes aside, I've always been someone who enjoys cooking on a whole. Being able to put a smile on the face of your loved ones when they chomp down on your cooking speaks volume. Admittedly, they are not of restaurant standard but the effort that is put into the preparation process, down to the size of the carrot and potato bits requires more than just attention. Geared with the thought of wanting the best for the end diner, no amount of hard work is too much. It is more than sheer fortune to be able to prepare just a simple dinner. On a normal workday, by the time the work day ends, all we can think of is some warm food in the tummy.

Take a day off and cook a simple dinner for your family or that special person. I just had a rewarding experience so I'm urging you to do something for yourself by getting you to do something for the people around you. All you need in return is a smile at the end of the dinner and it's all worth the while.

The Wedding Planner

Staying at home and leading the tai tai life isn't as fun as I thought it'd be. Fair enough, I got rid of the dark circles and eventually paid up all the sleep debt. It was just pure boredom after the eyes reopen, more often than not, to the mid afternoon sun. Overly subscribed to Facebook, the meaning to life is running on reserves. The weekly basketball game is barely keeping the spirit alive. You know you have arrived at the peak of boredom when you go into planning for a wedding that hasn't got a date. Which got me thinking... How would my wedding be like?

To satisfy the folks, the dinner cannot be shelved. The money needs to be spent! Have I not mention that there's a vulgar amount of money involved in weddings? I wouldn't dare start looking at the numbers. So the dinner will be the way to end the day and what will start it then? The usual traditional stuffs with the gatecrashing and tea ceremony. To avoid a logistical nightmare, minimal traveling is required and one location is hence, preferred. The solemnisation must be squeezed in no matter what. So a small affair by the pool is in the plans and only immediate family will be involved. Friends will still be invited for the dinner. As though the day doesn't sound packed enough, there will be a full 9 or 10 course dinner minus off the sharks' fins.

Now, there's so much talks and plans, there's no date but that shouldn't stop you from saving up if you think you're gonna get invited eventually.

See! I'm truly overcome by boredom.

X It All

Shock took over and being left stranded wasn't fun. Recovery actions were taken and survival came into play. The fight to keep the head above water began. The frustration of helplessness continued. The desperation was beyond words.

As though miserable was a word insufficient to describe the innermost, digging deeper into the other unseen, unsaid, unannounced wound doesn't seem to numb any pain.

The clicks that were normally avoided were explored out of boredom. The sheer information screamed into the face. The status was spelled with OUCH in CAPS. Hiding became an option. Insanity and thinking excessively was separated by only one thin line. The next click was on the big X on the top left hand corner.

Maybe sleep can bring everything away... Maybe... Just maybe...

Gone, Not Lost.

请容许我 小小的骄傲
因为有你这样的依靠

Nightmares of losing a loved one always comes when you least expects it. The fear of losing somebody really dear to our hearts will inevitably send tears running down the cheeks. The struggle to wake up from the dream with the choked sobbing is one of my worst experience but my inability to describe how desperate one actually feels is preventing this post from continuing. During the days when I wake up trying to find that familiar backview and that snoring that I grew so used to, I find my pillows actually covered in tears. It was almost like the person was there 5 seconds ago before you realise it's all gone. The pain starts to prick you. Beautiful memories then start to heal the wound and you have a scar to show it all off with. The pain will soon be long gone before another bout of familiarity hits you.The fragility of the scar that has just recovered will be back to haunt you every now and then. It's only there's a special phone whereby you can pick up without speaking and your thoughts would all be conveyed through the comfortable yet stinging silence.



等下一个天亮 把偷拍我看海的照片送我好吗
我喜欢我飞舞的头发
和飘着雨还是眺望的眼光

用简单的言语 解开超载的心
有些情绪 是该说给 懂的人听
你的热泪 比我激动怜惜
我发誓要更努力 更有勇气

Live Like You Were Dying

One of my all time favourites by the husband of Faith Hill who sang my "White Knight" song, "This Kiss". Tim McGraw and Faith hill has always given me the impression that they were simple country people making great music and this song can't be more meaningful. The full song can be accessed by this link. They refused the embedding request hence the above "LIVE" clip. The 2007 show, "The Bucket List" is one that I haven't got a chance to catch so if you happen to have the DVD, please send it this way, I promise to return it! This is a great song and if you pay some attention to the lyrics, you'll know what I mean.

He said I was in my early forties, with a lot of life before me
And one moment came that stopped me on a dime
I spent most of the next days, looking at the x-rays
Talking bout' the options and talking bout' sweet times.
I asked him when it sank in, that this might really be the real end
How's it hit 'cha when you get that kind of news?
Man what did ya do?
He said

I went skydiving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'
And he said some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'

He said I was finally the husband, that most the time I wasn't
And I became a friend, a friend would like to have
And all of a sudden goin' fishin, wasn't such an imposition
And I went three times that year I lost my dad
Well I finally read the good book, and I took a good long hard look
At what I'd do if I could do it all again

Like tomorrow was the end
And ya got eternity to think about what to do with it
What should you do with it
What can I do with it
What would I do with it

Skydiving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And man I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I watched an eagle as it was flyin'
And he said some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'


There's just so much to life that we need to grasp. We don't have that much time to be upset or indecisive. Do we really take it for granted that we're all going to live a ripe old age and hopefully by then, things fall into place nicely. There are just things in life you'll lose it if you don't grab it. Once you have let it go, you won't pick it up again and your life will eventually be laden with regrets. But as human beings, we never quite learn and we do it again. If only we are kids once again and learn how it is like to fall and not kick the same brick again.

If we have the courage to put down everything and do what we've always wanted to do so we'll die with no regrets, will we lead a more fulfilled life? Or does it take a death sentence to bring us to realisation that life is that fragile afterall?

Do you have a bucket list? Please don't pass me "The 1000 places to visit before you die" because unless you have that bank account to support your craziness, crap doesn't quite qualify to be in your bucket list. Maybe some things on the wish list aren't as simple to fulfil. Maybe some can't be bought with money. But as the song goes, you can try to love deeper and speak sweeter. The happiness that you bring on to others may just be unmeasurable.

Bliss

Mothers do go through more than 12 hours of labour. Surely, that shocked me. Mom told me I took about 5 hours so I must have been a really impatient baby. Earlgrey Junior "launched" this morning so congratulations to Mr & Mrs Earlgrey and to B cuz he can save his huge red packet up until the next 1212 baby.

Family values has always been important to me and relationships with my cousins have always been an integral part of my life. An unexpected turnout over dinner last night brought me back to the family bliss that tends to occur only once a year during Chinese New Year. Corny jokes and excessive food was part of the package, as usual. The introduction of a potentially permanent member brought about moments of forks pointing in my direction and being held down by my uncle and cousins despite my injured ankle. As much as it sounds like a torture session, I couldn't have been happier. Things seem complete apart from the "when's your turn?" questions. Discussions on other people's wedding dinners were gently avoided. If only Grandma's here to see all the smiles and laughters...

Bliss is exactly what surrounds me now and I can't possibly ask for more.

This Kiss

A great workout every week is something I really look forward to so that I can sweat it out and burn some fats. My weekly basketball session became very much therapeutic. Having rested for years, I finally got myself to shoot some hoops in hope that the knee has healed itself over the years. So far, they have been behaving themselves and not been giving me much problems. Last night, I had to land on someone's foot after scoring a beautiful one (to me at least). When I heard the ankle crackling as I landed, I knew I'll be having some difficulties walking for the next few days. True enough, I couldn't walk at all and had to rest. Being the stubborn me, I went back into the game as soon as I could walk. It has proved to be a bad idea. Now I have an ankle that looks like an elephant's. But it's all because of the ankle, I had a white knight who rushed to my rescue the moment he knew I was in pain. How can one be more thankful?

I don't want another heartbreak
I don't need another turn to cry
I don't want to learn the hard way
Baby, hello, oh, no, goodbye
But you got me like a rocket
Shooting straight across the sky

It's the way you love me
It's a feeling like this
It's centrifugal motion
It's perpetual bliss

Cinderella said to Snow White
How does love get so off course
All I wanted was a white knight
With a good heart, soft touch, fast horse

Ride me off into the sunset
Baby, I'm forever yours

阿嬤的白頭髮

Spring cleaning can't be completed in a day. Tested and proven. Just the wardrobe alone, left piles of unpacked clothings on the bed, leaving myself only a tiny corner of this seemingly comfy bed. Too many things in our lives might take a while to get spring cleaned but there's also the likelihood that we'll just give up and stop packing altogether. Is not packing and living with the dust an option? Actually, all that needs to be done is a little dusting and wiping, ain't it? It is not in anyone else's prerogative to judge on whether others should clean up their room I suppose.

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just dont see the signs
I know that its out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

It's amazing how a single question can throw one off balance. The fortress seem to have opened itself up to be attacked openly and no one is to blame because the reason for such vulnerable exposure is purely because of your very own acceptance and willingness. Let's just say...

Every morning on the way to work, I'd expect PIE to be jammed up. When it isn't, it's a bonus. But why does it have to be jammed? Am I not longing to have just one last trip that it's clear? But maybe I shouldn't expect too much and live with the traffic jam. Whoever will understand the pain of getting stuck? Everyone is in their very own jam.

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

Just when I feel I need the refuge, this video made me behave like a child again. I went back to my bed and countless pillows, alone... Like what Meiren said, we're both 阿嬤的心肝. Every word touched the most sensitive part of me. Tears became uncontrollable.

Urgh!

How can one explain frustration beyond a normal person's limits? The line broke. Or maybe it just almost because I've yet to blow it. Reshuffling the thoughts with some deep breaths, the warmth of another was so much needed. And this was having only taken 10 steps into a full day of anticipated excitement. Right...

I'm really trying to piece my thoughts together... This is not going to be coherent.