Take 5

Never realised the importance of time with myself, even if it's just for a mere 5 minutes. It was my time with God and myself. I can't remember a time that I was more antsy than this morning. I fret like a little baby in the wrong environment but not knowing what was up. Short breaths, cold fingers and a running mind weren't considered fun. The time with myself was definitely needed.

Whenever we say, "whenever you need me, I'll be there". This morning was a time I felt I needed someone, badly. But not knowing what or who I needed, I knew it had to be just myself. I had to be there for myself if no one else would or could. Fretting is not going to get one past a day near a small percentage of efficiency. Clearing my mind was the only way out. I tried breathing and I spoke to myself in the tiny but silent room.

In life, people say all kinds of things. Some are pleasant to our ears, others just fire us up. Eventually, it does boils down to perspective as I've always pointed it out. We can choose to listen to them or turn a deaf ear. Some words are comforting even after a few months since it was first written. If the words still takes on the same meaning, life would be great. But things changes. Things people used to say might mean nothing now as much as we treasure it like our last heirloom and find comfort reading it over and again. I suppose that's why many keep little notes and letters by old friends, only to remind ourselves how great things used to be.

Human beings tend to look back and think of the beautiful things and forget how painful and crazy those times can be. Take for example, my last employment drove me to nuts with painful little episodes but now that I'm out of it, I look back and only recall the good portions. Only fond memories are left UNTIL Babhooska Mom reminded me of some things. But memories are just memories and I'm glad to leave them there.

Someone once told me before that human beings only remember the good things and dump the bad which is why memories are generally fond and wonderful. Pain is too temporary that we forget once we're out of it. Some of us carry this pain further but eventually, we will let them go. The story of the monk carrying the lady across the river, one that I believe many of you have heard or read it before, has left the lady at the river bank but his counterpart was the one harbouring thoughts on how proper it was for a monk to carry the lady across the river. If only we can leave some things behind like the monk... During the last service, Pastor Prince said something along this line - "Leaving it behind you". It immediately reminds me of this monk story as much as it may seem like two conflicting religions and I was in church!

Some of us still carry baggages be it knowingly or otherwise. We might have thought we left it behind but truth is, we might not. My Grandma left me some years ago and on days, I still wake up thinking she's alive. Whenever I feel low, I still try to seek comfort speaking to her before I sleep. I know she's someone I can never let go. I know no matter what, she will live in me. Before I slept last night, I tried to speak to her but didn't get to because I broke into bags of tears. I miss her dearly but I know she's no longer here for me. To me, it was sufficiently to know she has once loved me like no one else in this world ever did. That was enough for me. Whether one still consider her as a baggage, that is perspective. She left fond memories and whatever she taught me, will only make me a better and stronger person.

Before she left, she told me that one day someone would truly love me. At that point in time, I just brushed her off because no one can love me like she did. Since then, I have very little confidence of being loved by anyone. There are several occasions I thought some people did come close but I was left disappointed and stranded. Confidence is not exactly something I have that is building within me unless reassurances are enforced. Then I learnt to slowly let myself go to learn to love again and be loved.

I was once told via a text, that if I have more faith in myself one day, someone would truly love me and then I'll know, I have all the time in the world to share it with... I still hold that thought very very close to me.

Take 5 minutes with yourself when you're antsy and the world should appear brighter.