Blueprints to Life

Yesterday was fantastic. I truly enjoyed the chocolate and the laughs. The Bimmer people were extremely entertaining as usual. Was too tired to stay throughout the entire session so I left early to catch up on my beauty sleep.

It's Saturday, late afternoon and I'm still home. I'd probably have gone wakeboarding if not for the shedding but guess it's not a bad idea to catch up on my rest and to stay in bed till NOW! Feeling like a true bum. I miss such laziness since school days which was barely slightly more than a year ago. So much has changed. I'm officially addicted to checking my work email and hoping my client would call to inform me of an offer. Just eternally thankful that I don't have a Blackberry now.

How happens when you feel lost in life? I'm feeling like a hermit. I've lost the courage to be brave and face challenges like I thought I would. Thoughts are going everywhere and everything's just totally unsettling. There are some things you just want to fix it and by means of fixing may mean hurting myself or people around me. Can we just be selfish and not be bothered about affecting others when it comes to decision making? As much as I think I'm the most selfish person in the world, maybe as a pet lover did encouraged the fact that I can't bring myself to hurt someone else. I'd rather hide under my pillow and weep, hoping when daylight comes yet again, I'm all ready to face the world with a smile. How should I go about trying to make myself happy again? I don't even know what's making me unhappy to begin with. I'm just a big L.

Life is so short. Most of us would want to get married and have kids at some point in time. Some allow themselves to go into what we deem at "torturous" at a very young age, others like myself come up with all sorts of fucking excuses only to realise in 10 years to come, our "tortured" friends would be laughing in our faces when their kids are running around and I'm probably still learning how to breastfeed one. And in 20 years, they'll be drinking with their kids and I'm worried about mine's PSLE results. Having said that, I love my life now despite the little bumps along the way. Somehow I believe that life has a way of ironing itself out. But the only tough part being me as the sole decision maker.

Am I already contradicting myself in this short post alone?

There are many decisions I have to make and as much calculations we can make, there are no key indicators for happiness. We have to be absolutely comfortable and as much as possible, not to regret any moves on the chessboard. The blueprint may be vague but the decision maker should have in mind, very clearly, how the end result is going to appear. Even in this market where prices are sky high for most properties, there are still some people buying simply hoping that the end result will not disappoint them. Inevitably, there will be some people who will get burnt. My only goal is not get myself burnt becase emotional scars are tougher to heal than debts.

I want to be happy and I really hope I will be. But there are just so many things in my life pulling me down deeper and deeper. Maybe I should get out. The baggage might lighten.