Trust My Kokoro

Since young, my parents gave me alot of freedom. As I was growing up, I understood why. Dad being a very strict parent, would never allow me to stay out, afraid that I would be led astray. Given my personality, I would have fallen to the dark side pretty easily. But as I grew older, Mom and Dad never bugged me for staying out late, drinking, partying because I would always inform them volunteerily of my whereabouts and they never had to worry. I came home at the time which I said I would and I did. Before I knew it, they couldn't be bothered anymore. When much younger, I used to think I had little freedom. Subsequently, I realised that was necessary at that given stage of my growing up. In fact, I'm grateful for all that because that meant that I'm enjoying endless freedom since I gained independence from allowing them to trust me.

Trust determines whether we allow ourselves to be friends of others or to fall in love. But getting betrayed of this trust is something I'm too used to experiencing. So much so, I'm actually numb and forgot how trusting someone feels like. Just a feel months back, I thought I could trust someone with my life. Without much thought, I willingly gave my life to him. Relative to people who say yes to proposals not knowing what they are getting themselves into, I knew that was what I wanted and I was a willing sheep. Nope it wasn't a proposal so don't start calling me and I'm still single, just not available that's all. I knew I was in imminent danger because I have never trusted someone so much and never felt that I could give away my lifetime. Until now, I still feel the same. But somewhere along the way, second thoughts hit and before I knew it, you were gone. When I was finally told, "I'll talk to you when I'm back", I knew you were just too far away. The trust I had was shattered. The only time in my life, I stupidly stayed put and allow myself to be hurt once and again. All because I trusted one person. Maybe I shouldn't but I did and still do. How incorrigible and stubborn can one get. I'm a monkey, damn it, not a cow.

It's the same thing for friends. People you think you trust them with every last deepest darkest secret you carry, may for not reason, turn their back and say hurting things about you. I don't usually give a damn. Yes, I'm actually a boy stuck in a girl's body. I can have a proper conversation with you regarding cars. That aside, only when I genuinely consider some people as friends, I trust them with my life. Not the same as the instance in the second paragraph. That's unique and never before. It's a one off incident and will probably occur to only one person. But when it's friends, on a general level, I expect to be treated genuinely. Not too much to ask for but it seldom materialises itself and bloom into what you thought that you have been seeing. Even giving all that you can, people mistaken your actions and act against them. Tragedy for an insignificant life.

All I wanna do is to hide in your arms and seek refuge...

Following some question marks, I have decided to give "Goma" a more permanent name. As I mentioned earlier, it was just temporary until I go fetch it. Now that the date is drawing near, I have one suggestion putting out and hoping to get some feedback. I actually like this...

Kokoro (心:こころ) is a concept that crosses through many martial arts, but has no single discrete meaning. In context, it means something like "heart," "character," or "attitude." Character is a central concept in karate, and in keeping with the do nature of modern karate, there is a great emphasis on improving oneself. It is often said that the art of karate is for self-defense; not injuring one's opponent is the highest expression of the art.

If you read it in Chinese, it's the "heart". All I wanna do now is to take good care of my heart...

I… can’t get out of bed today
Or get you off my mind
I just can’t seem to find a way
To leave the love behind

I ain’t tripping
I’m just missing you
You know what I’m saying
You know what I mean

You’ve kept me hanging from a string
While you make me cry
I’ve tried to give you everything
But you just give me lies

I ain’t tripping
I’m just missing you
You know what I’m saying
You know what I mean

Every now and then when I’m all alone
I’d be wishing that you would call me on the telephone
Say you want me back but you never do
I feel like such a fool
There’s nothing I can do
I’m such a fool for you

I can’t take it
What am I waiting for?
I’m still breaking
I miss you even more
And I can’t fake it
The way I could before
I hate you but I love you
I can’t stop thinking of you
It’s true, I’m stuck on you

Now loves a broken record that’s been
Skipping in my head
I keep singing yesterday
Why we have to play these games we play

I ain’t tripping
I’m just missing you
You know what I’m saying
You know what I mean
Every now and then when I’m all alone
I’d be wishing that you would call me on the telephone
Say you want me back but you never do
I feel like such a fool

I can’t take it
What am I waiting for?
I’m still breaking
I miss you even more
And I can’t fake it
The way I could before
I hate you but I love you
I can’t stop thinking of you
It’s true, I’m stuck on you

Every now and then when I’m all alone
I’d be wishing that you would call me on the telephone
Say you want me back but you never do
I feel like such a fool
There’s nothing I can do
I’m such a fool for you

I can’t take it
What am I waiting for?
I’m still breaking
I miss you even more
And I can’t fake it
The way I could before
I hate you but I love you
I can’t stop thinking of you
I hate you but I love you
I can’t stop thinking of you
Don’t know what to do
I’m stuck on you