Infatuation?

The first infatuation I experienced dates back to more than 20 years ago. As I grew up, I slowly got used to the fact that these boys whom I was secretly in love with, never quite took a second look at me. As time passed, I've learnt through the hard way that guys you fall will never ever like you and you ended up with a truckload of boys trailing behind you whom you'll never take a second look at them. Immediate retribution. The rest of our lives is spent looking for someone who feels the same about how you feel for him.

I can still remember getting rejected when I was 13 when the stupid blind guy fell for this unattractive pretentious girl. To be fair, I've never quite attracted boys because I was one of the boys. My ex-classmates still calls me affectionately, "eh brudder". Those ninnies, never quite looked at me as a girl. My last memorable crush was for this extremely cute guy. It was because of him, I was really interested in roller-hockey once. I've never gone up to chat him up, stupidly for fear of rejection. Last year, I stepped into this inline skate shop in Katong wanting to check out some blades and this cute guy turned over and asked, "can i help you?". It was him. I couldn't believe my eyes and I swore I blushed instantly. So I pretended that I couldn't remember his name but I knew exactly who he was. Even after almost a decade, I was still pretty much a coward. All that went through my mind was, "I'm sure he has a girlfriend. He'll never like me." If only I had a bit more self-confidence, I might just asked him out for a drink. Then again, after all these years, I should at least have learnt the lesson that a girl should never ask a guy out. Men are born to be hunters. If you deliver food to their mouth, they will choose not to eat it.

It's amazing how some things never change no matter how much we've gone through learning those ridiculous lessons the worst way. The heart still beats in the oddest rhythm. The fear of rejection is worst than going hungry for 30 days. To be able to see that person would probably make your day. Eye-candy or not. But as we age, our mindsets have changed by leaps and bounds as time passes. We become more protective of our fragile selves and we form a natural locus around us which prevented people from getting too close. More often than not, we're just afraid to get hurt yet again. We stay far away not wanting to get too close only to find ourselves heading home immediately to hide under our blankets and wonder when we'd see that face again. You were wondering how perfect life would be if you could just spend the whole night having a chat with that special someone talking about things that would change the world or things that might not even move an ant.

We wouldn't and couldn't try. Jaded and afraid. Everything is so near yet so far. A hug would suffice but it's all a figment of the imagination. So surreal.

Maybe we're just getting too old for such games. We never really feel the same infatuation we did when we were kiddos. We just know if it's right or not. Can be so wrong but we're all too afraid to get hurt.