While watching the Emmy winners thank their casts and parents, I sit back to wonder if all parents love their children all the same. Minus all the cases of parents abandoning their children, we were all brought up to think our parents love us all the same. Never was I jealous of my brother just because he gets more pocket money than I did or that he gets 100% of my Mom's attention. All kids, if you're brought up in an all Chinese or partially Chinese community, you would have learnt or heard the song "Tian Xia De Ma Ma Dou Shi Yi Yang De". If I truly believed in this song, I'd have thought all moms can't be fucking bothered with their kids. Relatives and friends of my family could all tell that I probably was never my mom's favourite. Even then, it never bugged me because I've always believed that I've got a great Dad. He gave up career opportunities because he wanted to watch us grow up and be there for us when we needed him. I have to say, he rarely failed us.
Recently, I felt that everything has fallen on me and my shoulders were suddenly too heavy for my body. I felt small, puny and useless. Seeing my Meiren Biaojie go through all the mental torture from the stress her parents are giving her, mine felt insignificant. Somehow, all our parents seemed happy to watch us being tortured in this excruciating pain. I can sense people flaming me in their minds right now and probably more than eager to click on the "Leave Comments" link. Before you do that, you have to put yourself in the shoes of the bunch of my cousins. Our parents are out of this world. It almost seems like they're from a totally different realm. At times, I really hope I can be strong enough to be there for everyone but more often than not, I just need a shoulder to cry on or simply hide under my good ol' comforter and cry myself to sleep. The bunch of cousins will not fail to appear strong but because we're so close, we can almost feel each other's pain. Even those whom we rarely meet up, from all the times spent together growing up in each other's shadows, we know from the gossips circulating amongst the older generation that our dearest cousins are probably victims of these gossipas well, malicious or not. They have got to be suffering and fighting the tears back.
For the longest time ever, I've been convincing myself that I have a set of okay parents and I should not complain. I was contented. When life gets tougher and everyone is starting to feel strains, family should get closer and probably more understanding. That was totally opposite from what I'm undergoing. The baggage just gets heavier by the day. I have to admit my tolerance isn't quite at its most elastic point. But even with my limited ability to clench my fist and breathe it all out, I have to be one of the more forbearing person around. Nothing quite hits me down the first couple of tries. I just have to try to be a little stronger and I will, one day, emerge a better person. Or so I hope...
Meiren Biaojie knows some relative was trying to malign me but I'm thankful that she trusted me totally and knows very well that I will never say certain things. I may be a chatterbox but I know very well what I should not let out of my mouth. To be honest, it hurts to know people you love turn their back on you and speak really badly about you. I just want Felly and Alee to know that I may not be the conventional Aunt you girls might know but do understand that the 3 of you means alot to me and I wouldn't trade you girls in for anything in this world. We have already gone through the roughest and toughest of times and we will breeze past this. Thanks for having faith in me and you know very well, I will never betray this trust. It's very important to me that we keep this ship sailing tight...
I can only hope you girls stay strong for one another no matter how tough life can get and I promise I'll be here for you whenever you need me. I love you girls.
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