The Buildup

I can't believe how blur I am but long of the short, I was stuck in last week's planner and was expecting a call this evening when I already had that chat. On my way home today, I texted Mom to get me dinner as I was preparing for that phonecall. Mom told me over the weekend that she'd in Malaysia and I forgot about it entirely.

I could have taken a day off to sweep some tomb, something I used to do every other year but it seems to me that there are some people who uses this day to "perform" their filial duties and I have made it a point, a reminder to myself, that I shall not be as hypocritical as these people. My conscience can testify that I was there for my Grandma every moment she needed someone by her side when she was still alive. I don't see putting up a show just because you want to prove to the rest of the world that you actually care. If people did care, I wouldn't need to spend the last few years before Grandma passed on, begging that good for nothing son to come home to visit her and to get his even more good for nothing, sickening, utterly useless son to come over to find Grandma for a chat. And during her wake, his son has the cheek to stand outside and not pay his respect and the man himself who called himself my Grandma's son actually shouted at me beside my Grandma's dead body. I have lost the respect I had for the man for over 20 years in that 20 seconds simply because he did not respect the person who meant everything to me. Until today, I can't still can't forget how he made me cry and how I couldn't stop crying for the next hour or so. I can only choose to forgive, no matter how painful it still it.



I have never felt more alone but neither have I felt that I need to be stronger than ever. I suppose that's the survival instinct. At the same time, I'm so afraid that that's a natural mechanism of self protection which eventually might do me more harm than good. Unable to tell anyone anything, my outlet is getting smaller and the funnel is building the pressure in this tajine.

Having a sudden craving for couscous...




如果还有明天
你想怎样装扮你的脸
如果没有明天
怎么说再见
我们都有看不开的时候
总有冷落自己的举动
但是我要把握每次感动
如果还有明天
如果真的还能够有明天
是否能把事情都做完
是否一切也将云消烟散
如果没有明天
要怎么说再见