Friday, November 28, 2008

Are You Ready?

At the beginning with this year, I was lamenting on the number of weddings I had to attend and I managed to skip a good portion of them. I love weddings and attending them but at this age, you get even your peers asking when is your turn and such and you subsequently just avoid such occasions, Chinese New Year + inquisitive relatives included. As a girl, you dream about your big day since you first saw your elder female cousin/aunt trying on their gown. But when reality kicks in, there are so much more to life than just putting on the gown and veil. There are more factors that revolve around being married than getting married. And as you blow the next birthday candle, you think lesser and lesser of such things or so you wish to believe.

Among my group of friends from school days, we have a divorcee, 2 single souls and the rest of the bunch are all married. It appears that apart from that one (or rather his wife) from the married bunch, the other 3 of us often end up on the same mahjong table.

And then you have the bunch of SBW... (I know some of you guys are reading this and it's meant for your eyes anyway... Celebrate! You're now mentioned on my blog, hence a celebrity. Ha! See you guys for lunch later!) Among them is DaftBitch, a tai-tai triathlete wannabe. She's been with her beau for the longest time ever and is not thinking of tying the knot due to various reasons. Not that we're pushing them for that but I think they're ready. However, DaftBitch is pretty much a character like myself. We're both loud, funloving, insane people but we think alot about life. She's alot more carefree than myself, or so I think. I tend to dwell too much into things. She mentioned she's not in a rush and I feel that mentally, she's got to be ready and no one can push her into it. Similarly for many of you out there who are thinking of getting hitched, I urge you to think if you can live a life with that special someone before rushing into it.

Ex-Sir's Sir is the divorcee I mentioned above. We've been the best of friends forever because he's always been there for me when I needed a friend. He married his sweetheart some years back because they have been together since school, went through that and NS and later on, their individual careers. Finally, they settled down. Little do they know, maybe the time is just not right and now, they are apart.

Ex-Sir's Sir asked me not too long ago if I'm hitting the panic button already. My thoughts are... Probably given some 5 years back, I would have been eager to jump onto the bandwagon with the rest of them. I'm thankful I didn't do that. And those of you who knows me, that relationship of mine that lasted slightly more than half a decade has ended and is defined nothing short of a disaster. Since then, I've never been in a rush.

Was asked if I would mind if my better half isn't ready in a couple of years when I'm turning yellow and haggard (Alright, I'm exaggerating..) I thought about it seriously. I think it's much more important for two persons to feel that they are on stable and solid foundation than to rush into a constitution that they are unsure of. Apart from giving children the legitimacy, I don't think the marriage certification would be of a big issue. In today's society and in particularly referring to myself, women are financially independent and we do not need the certification to give us the security we need. The security tends to be more emotional than tangible. As long as we know that we have a shoulder to lean on and a listening ear to mumble the daily grumbles to, we are usually more than happy.

But of course, I can't be too sure how things would be like in say 5 years time but I'm sure if I know that this is a person that I'm going to spend my life with, it's because he can provide me with the emotional security and is there for me to love and to hold and not merely tied down by the vow of till death do us part. The physical vow is nothing but bullshit. It is the willingness to live out the vows that really matters.

One of my favourite uncle who has been dating for more than a decade way before my Grandpa passed away, still hasn't got any plans to get married because he didn't see the need to and isn't bothered by my ever-nagging Grandma. I don't think why any of you out there should unless you plan to have kids or buy a HDB flat.

My favourite line still goes... "As long as you're here with me, nothing else matters."

Thursday, November 27, 2008

It Takes Two

Funny how my mind like to run in circles when you least needed confusion. The more you avoid, the more you find yourself entangled in the lines. Thoughts get muddled like a foot in the swamp in an attempt to free itself from sinking any further into the water percolated sand. The world gets darker as we sink deeper until a point where we can no longer breathe freely. The heart dies. The thoughts dead.

How did we ever even allow ourselves to be tangled up when we are totally capable of not walking right into the swamp in the first place? Apart from the myriad of possible reasons, the one big factor is the decision maker, the main and only player in your game and the deciding piece on your chessboard. Very often, we are the ones who allow and condone. But we also forget, we have emotions and we're very much controlled by them. We choose to be entangled because we are too excited over the adventure of getting past the swamp in order to reach the oasis on the other side.

There is also the part in life where it takes two to tango. (Technically speaking, one can tango too but well, it's a figure of speech) Both have to be willing to peep into one another's life through the other person's binoculars yet pardon the dust specks and scratches on the lenses. My favourite line to my better half, "as long as you're here with me, nothing else matters" and I mean every bit of it. As long as you have the support and backing that you know even if you fall, the pain is secondary. All you have to do is to trust wholeheartedly. Communication then becomes the main tool that fixes and bridges. If happiness is the end destination, then pit stops should have them too. We can then rest and look at how far we've walked and be happy with our achievements.



Yes you can hold my hand if you want to... Cuz I wanna hold yours too...

* Regretted not having gone to skate at Bryant Park last Christmas.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Importance of Self

Very often, we tend to lose a part of ourselves when we move into another stage in life be it dating, marriage, having a new pet, getting a new job or welcoming a new life. The time we have is usually barely sufficient to handle the already packed and hectic life of a regular working adult, a change will only mean sacrifices to be made along the way. As much as we hope we could still do what we were doing before, time may post a real challenge. The crucial bit is not to lose so much of yourself at one go or it'd be extremely hard to pull yourself out and put yourself back to where you came from.

Maybe it's simply self-denial that one lives to think that things may take a positive step and remain nothing else but positive. Things almost never work out the way we want them to me. At least for me...

All we can do is hold our fort and hope for the best in the next steps we take. Too much speculation and plans will get us nowhere. I know I sound incoherent and that's cuz I am...

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Happiness Left...

Happiness seems to be a word that escapes from me on a regular basis. The laughters were not forgettable and the thought lingers. The tears escaped from the jail of pride. Growing up being the flawed self-centred individual, friends have grown to either love or hate me. But it was understood that I meant no harm but words I say tend to get me into trouble. It was also understood that PMS is no excuse to tantrums and bad attitude but it can't be helped that half the population in the world go through that. Not in an attempt to justify PMS or the actions that followed. Guilt is a more appropriate word. Love is the basis. Happiness is the destination.

Looking back at the activities, the thoughts and love, any description less than beautiful is not doing justice. If change is what is needed to be a better person, anyone should consider stepping up to fill bigger coats. In the process, understanding from people around you will prove to be crucial. I suppose only when you survive through changes and growing up, you survive the worst and emerge stronger. If you get dropped out in the process, maybe you've just failed as a person. In this case, failing as a partner and support. Having the ability to give, drains and fills one all at the same time. But having the ability is a gift in itself, a gift coupled with the refusal to give up. All in the name of love...

Maybe by seeking and settling in a spot with true appreciation would there be sufficient happiness...

And I Love You So...



爱永远都是难题
失去分寸太容易
谁都是凡人不够小心翼翼
有时候忘了珍惜
伤害来的太无意
有时爱太急需要空间呼吸
争吵愈狠痛愈深刻
然后不断自责
我们都忘了最初的快乐
拥抱越紧痛愈深刻
谁不会舍不得
现在我给的或许并不是你要的
如果分离是唯一的解脱
最后的话我来说
如果永远你不必再难过遗憾让我来过
就算过去的回忆太脆弱
连未来也没有我
爱着你仍是我的执着
让你哭泣对不起为了爱承受委屈
说过的承诺其实还没忘记
愈是在乎的关系愈是相处不容易
伤害了你我也失去勇气
争吵愈狠痛愈深刻
然后不断自责
我们都忘了最初的快乐
拥抱越紧痛愈深刻
谁不会舍不得
现在我给的或许并不是你要的
如果分离是唯一的解脱
最后的话我来说
如果永远你不必再难过
遗憾让我来过
就算过去的回忆太脆弱
连未来也没有我
爱着你仍是我的执着
走到感情关键时候却握不住你的手
还能有什么藉口让爱再回头
多少的爱说不出口
就让时间帮我说话
我一个人拼命挣扎
总比两个人一起难过还好吧
如果分离是唯一的解脱
最后的话我来说
如果永远你不必再难过

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Dark In Here...

Needless to say, you must be one of those common people who have felt the slowdown in the economic downturn. Having just made a lateral move to another consultancy, I couldn't have started on a worse note. The glorious days of good money seems to be over and everything is starting to look so gloomy. Like the weather, there seem to be a constant overcast at all times. The next dollar seems to be harder to come by...

Even than, I remain positive that things will be better. To be absolutely frank, when I typed the above statement, I felt guilty if I really meant it. Things might be better some day but I'm not seeing the light and in fact, we're just at the very beginning of the cold and dark tunnel. It's sadistic but it feels good to know that there will always be people who are worse off but there are also a bunch of people who thrive that during times like that and can make the best out of the worst situation.

Who doesn't want to have this sort of ability and mentality but truth is, we're all born differently. I've always felt vulnerable to changes and it could be the way I was brought up. I may seem like an adventurous person but in actual fact, I might just be the most conservative person you'll ever know. In terms of my actions and body language, I tend to be loud and larger than life. Behind closed doors, I'm just a wimp and always reluctant to step out of my comfort zone and take some kind of risk. To me, I can't possibly find something else that could give me the flexibility and possibilities which is why I'm not keen to try. Having said that, I might have been too independent since I was young so I had to fight for every bit myself hence the reluctance to let go. However, things aren't as dark as I'm portraying it. It is still not the end. If the warrior in me starts to fight the war again, I might just make a comeback pretty soon.

So right now, it's best that I hide behind the screen and start hunting...

Monday, November 17, 2008

Regular Weekend

The last weekend was simple and regular but one that I enjoyed tremendously. Nothing amazing but just some slow moving actions and spending quality time. Both days were lazy and I was completely catching up on my sleep. First half of Saturday evening was spent watching Texas Hold'Em and the second half was my own mahjong game. Although the night could have ended better, I have no complaints.

Quantum of Solace filled the later half of Sunday afternoon with the first half spent at home, lazing around with my folks. Aimless walking and window shopping's never been more enjoyable. Day ended early but I like the simplicity and could only look forward to more.

Back to Quantum of Solace, it wasn't so much a movie I was dying to watch. To begin with, I was never a Bond fan apart from the fact that I'd love to marry Pierce Brosnan. But I knew I'd enjoy the company more than anything else, so I went. Loads of action and as expected, I wasn't disappointed. Having read reviews on the show having very simple plot, I walked in eyes wide open, not expecting any plot. It wans't half as bad as I thought expect that there were bits of it that gave me the motion sickness discomfort. I love the first scenes with the Aston Martin. Awesome car, awesome scene.

I'd take a simple weekend anytime...

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Giving & Taking

This is an age old subject which I believe few of us have found a balance in this delicate mix. Some of us find ourselves giving more and others, taking. Thing is, would takers know that they're taking?

To prevent ourselves from taking things for granted, we often find ourselves questioning our souls within if we're being appreciated for the little things in life that we do and more often than not, little sacrifices made by us. Sacrifices are not often measurable by it's quality or quantity because when you truly love and care, these things doesn't matter. It does, however, matter a great deal when having this particular person around and the importance of it is being overlooked. That is when relationships fail and crack.

To be able to give is actually a great thing and when we love, we forget about the giving. Constant review will allow you to think if you've been a happy camper. When the sky turns grey, you wonder if the rain will ever stop and if the sun will re-emerge. The sun might came back up in a different way, may not be what you expect it to be but does that mean that you're staying up to look at the break of dawn or would you rather to lying in bed snoozing away.

Was told not too long ago that I have to constantly believe that I'm a diamond. In order for others to love me, I have first got to love myself. Should I even allow anything or anyone to cause chaos to my life? The answer waits to be seen because in life, there are just so many little bits that makes it colourful that might eventually bring you down or put you in a better place. We don't just sweep it away because it's messing up the place now. In a way, I'm too positive and hopeful for my own good and in a way, I wonder if I'll ever see the rainbow. Either way, we need to love ourselves again and probably not allow ourselves to get battered and torn again. Diamonds are diamonds because they are unique and with the right lighting, the attention it draws may just be extraordinary.

Life would be so much better is everyone can take everyone else a little more seriously and not be bothered with the nitty gritties. The very minimum is to appreciate the little things people around you do for you in order to see life in the bigger picture.

Monday, November 10, 2008

STAR-ring Northlight School

On Saturday, I went on a charity event with SGMerc to Northlight School. The students are made up of children in their teens who have difficulties in one way or another, passing their PSLE. Some of them have learning difficulties and in fact, I spoke to one of the boys who is autistic. Others may just have terrible family background that deters them from spending more time in their studies. More often than not, they belong to the category of students we classify as the needy students in terms of their learning or financial ability.

These students are at the age of their lives that if not given proper guidance and hope, they will easily be led astray. If we're able to help them get on with life the right way, bearing the proper values, they will one day be a good contributor to the society. The Principal explained during one of their powerpoint presentations that these children are taught to remember that they are a star. Quoted from her, "The darker the environment, the brighter you shine." And instead of giving them dreams and hopes, she makes them work hard and beating the fact in reality back to them. If they think life is unfair, that's because life really is unfair so they'd have to accept it and move on, making the better out of things. Even for the rest of us being more fortunate to be able to receive the kind of education we did, we should also not blame anyone but to work towards our goal.

This charity event is particularly meaningful because it reminds me of how fortunate I am in my given environment. And on hearing those aspirational stories by the SGMerc members who shared, I know the last I know be doing is to rest on my laurels. The only way for thigns to get better is to make it happen.

Friday, November 07, 2008

International Energy Week

Had to wake up really early yesterday to attend a breakfast seminar on International Energy Week. Which also explains why the news these couple of days revolves around energy and it's fate for the next decade or century. My initial intention when I accepted the invitation was to purely network and at the same time, learn more about the particular industry which I genuinely believe that the information would help me. The seminar really opened my eyes although I didn't stay throughout.

Apart from our common knowledge of wine, solar, hydroelectric, wave, biofuel, nuclear and fossil fuels, we can actually look into more environmentally friendly options in time to come. What actually comes to mind when we mention nuclear energy. We're always so against it but do we actually know why apart from the fact that it is radioactive. To be fair, we've seen pictures and heard stories about radiation and I'm totally against it. But truth is, nuclear plants do not emit carbon dioxide like fossil fuel plants do. They are generally better for the environment ONLY IF the decommission of the plant is done properly and that means really high cost. Radioactive waste should also be handled with care and should not be allowed unless very detailed care is taken. Yet again, it's the cost issue. We all tend to place the importance of money way above our environment. I dread to think the sort of environment my kids and our future generations would be growing up in.

Carbon capture and storage (CCS) is one new term for me from yesterday. In short, this process separates the CO2 during industrial processes, transporting it to a storage location and isolating it from the atmosphere. This will greatly reduce the amount of CO2 being released into the air. Potential storage location will include dried oil and gas fields, unminable coal beds. CO2 will then be injected into these places where the CO2 will react with the metal oxides underground to produce stable carbonates. Which in English, means it will encourage the generation of more energy. This is currently in research stage and to retrofit the equipment for the process would be a very expensive project even if it can be done. New rigs can be built with these function and it will be relatively cheaper to do it. So if this is possible in the near future, we still have hope given the limited amount of fossil fuel we have right now. Details of the above process is extremely dry and I have yet to totally undersand so I shan't embarrass myself further but I think with enough efforts to change the world, we can all make it a better place.

With the warload + Texan oil king off his throne, we all have hope...

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

ERP on PIE Kills ECP

Traffic was unusually heavy this morning. There weren't any accidents. I'm presuming a large group of people recee-ing to avoid PIE from tomorrow onwards. I am forseeing a disastrous morning tomorrow. Just one question i have in mind - By charging every possible entry into "high day traffic volume" areas, would traffic condition ease up? At least for me, there's nothing much I can do about it but get caught and resort to paying to get it. You might want to point your finger at me and be laughing, thinking "serve you right" but if you live where I live, you will get where I'm coming from and why I'm driving to work, of course my passion for driving aside. And the toll is ridiculously overpriced. Has anyone EVER questioned what are those numbers based on? I spend about $5 to get to work and another $1.50 when I go home considering that I'm not taking CTE that would set me back by a couple more dollars. The cost of living is getting so high, it's greatly reducing out standard of living... Singapore is just forcing me to get out.

Spartans!

After watching the show "300" for about 6 times and not being able to finish it because I'll usually fall asleep within the first 10 mins, I finally had the chance to stay awake throughout the entire show and actually enjoyed it. But of course, I had to keep my eyes open for the first 30 mins. Somehow, it was just so hypnotising.

I have to admit that this is not my favourite kind of show. Too much gory and heads flying around and it's far from being a non-fiction. Then again, which of the movies out there are actually non-fiction when they only try to be a non-fiction as much as they can try to portray it.

Somehow, the show managed to remind me that once you're decided on fighting the war, there's no looking back. As much as strategies and strength are crucial, it takes more than bravery to keep holding on. Then again, overkill of ego and pride. The only nice thing is the respect for women in the show. If my husband loved me until the very second that he fell dead on the battlefield, I'd probably be the happiest widow on earth. It was such a beautiful thought...