Someone did something just because it was deemed that I needed a smile across my face.
I was hauled out of the heavy meeting to collect something at the door. What greeted me was a beautiful bunch of gerberas. On the card, it says "Hope this brightens up your day... ... ..."
Let's just call this person, X. X has always been an online persona, someone you might love and/or hate. The brainless comments irritates the hell out of you but at other times, you'll just smile at the stupidity. When you start to wonder what sort of person is this behind the disgusting avatar, you will find that all predictions were all but mere speculations. Having met this person just once and we barely even spoke, it's quite tough what to make out of it. Then again, what do we know?
I know what all of you are thinking but seriously, I do not believe this is one person with evil plans up the sleeves. Then again, trust is something that's lost out in the huge endless ocean. It's just nice to know that there's always someone out there to take away your stresses, with no expectations. Thankful for all the people around me, be it friends, family, lunch kakis...
Today's sermon couldn't have been more "in the face." The topic on restoration is an attempt from the bigger man to set the inner being free. Instead of doing it the snuggly cryptic way, the message was explicit. B and myself just stared at one another with amazement. The tear ducts weren't faulty afterall. Our idea of restoration is apparently different from His explaination. Imagine a mug shattered into pieces. Restoration will mean putting the mug back together but guess what, we will have the mug better than ever and in fact, 7 times better! So if you lose something, you may not have lost it because it will be given back to you 7 times better or even better replacement that is 7 times more awesome will come your way. Just leave it to powers you can't imagine. This sermon can't be a better testimony to "God works in mysterious ways." To a stubborn person, you will need to be direct and to state the obvious. Thou shalt not repeat what Pastor Prince said but it was pretty darn clear! Freedom of the mind followed, though not quite immediate. Kinda miraculous, you've got to experience it to believe in it.
The storm in this area isn't isolated and the setting in of reality is hitting people close to heart. I suppose it's just normal human behavior to have some sort of retarded reaction to emotions. I'd like to compare it to turbo lag. It happened to me and now, I'm seeing it on a dear friend whose identity is protected because I see hope through faith. The peace before the storm can be deceptive and I cannot offer anything else but my ear. I agree we're all running out of activities after trying to pack everything into every available slots possible but when the dust settles, we know we're due for a drink. Cheers...
Many of us might have been in situations whereby it feels exactly like how the saying goes, "one step forward, two steps back." When one becomes disillusioned, the ability to tell right from wrong becomes impossible. The frustration of helplessness lingers. The blind determination becomes the closet murderer. Self protection mechanism goes down the drains and streams. Communication in itself is not coherent. Consistency is non-existent. The haze covering the sky isn't a dream, it's just pollution. A whole breaks down into multitudes of pieces. Sharing may be a virtue meant for bigger hearts. Selfishness creates strength. Stupidity breeds insanity. Not to worry as alcohol is still preferred over Prozac. The road ahead looks fuzzy and decisions remain obscure. Take a deep breath, lock the doors and get a good night's sleep.
I never liked to share chain mails on my blog because it's not of my own and definitely not my very own outlet. But I read this today and wanted to share so badly. When people take their vows or made their promises to their other half, words were easier than the action. It's the little things that made us remember and treasure but traffic should never be one way. As time passes, we often miss the little changes and start to take things for granted.
This article left my eyes wet. When your wife/partner wants nothing but just that bit of your attention, do not brush it off. Use that heart of yours, be more sensitive and feel her pain. Pain that is more often dismissed with the non-presence of love. Love is not just about the laughter and fun but also the hurt and pain it brings along. It may be so well hidden, you just don't see it. Do not wait till it's too late. I must admit the death portion is too emotional but death is not the only form of departure. Be appreciative for you'll never know if life presents itself a second chance. Only when you've given your all, you'll have no regrets.
Appreciate your better half before you wouldn't have a chance to.
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce.
She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions... She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time.. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card.. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank, blah..blah..blah. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
Getting stuck in a meeting for hours is absolutely no fun when they're all talking about numbers. Numbers are foreign to me and they have no intention to know me better by any standard and I just left that relationship at that. Past my A'Levels, I never wanted to see them again. Fate played devil and now I'm responsible for numbers and more numbers. The worst is when the meeting had no outcome. The only consolation was my pavlova and rooibos tea at Cedele which I decided to give myself a treat for sitting through the meeting. It may be an excuse but I'm a happy girl (compared to the gloomy me during the meeting) with extra sugars in my system.
On my way back to the office which by then, I should have headed home instead, I got to see the new facelifted Z4 in flesh. There was much talk about it when Gorgeous Babe and Adnsx Fairboy put down good money for the awesome machines a while ago in white and black respectively. All my life, I've never been a roadster person. Be it the previous Z4 or the much talkabout MX5, none of them managed to move me. This time around, I was stumped in awe and it's a new toy I want real bad. The twin turbos and DCT just made it more yummy and not forgetting the signature rear wheel drive. Although stick shift rocks, the DCT might just fare better in terms of local traffic conditions. The retractable hard top swept me off my feet instantly. If there's one thing I'd like to change, it's the soft suspension. There's always Cross... *slurp
The sheer looks of this car did all the selling. The rear, or I would affectionately call it the ass, could be described as muscular and sexy. Ah B did mention that he's got a similar butt but I'd beg to differ until I get to check his out tomorrow. The buck teeth as Ah B named it, is nothing like the way he described it but I'd liken it Pierce Brosnan's sexy nose instead. Pardon the lack of adjective but sexy is THE word to describe the car. Now, this gives me a reason to really work for it and for it to bring out the star in me, the task shouldn't be too hard. This dormant rising star will shock you. The time is yet to come but trust me, it shouldn't take too long. The wooing will take a while but the determination will not die off. This is pure encouragement to draw out the next sparkle/shine that will just push me forward every step I take. Nothing will bring me down and I will not allow anything or anyone to. The comeback is worthwhile so keep your eyes glued! Let me show you the superstar within...
The way Daftbitch described it was almost like a brewing storm and waiting for that lightning to roar before the heavy cumulonimbus clouds gave way. It was a thunderstorm. When the clouds were building up, the weather still looked fine. And in fact, people were still basking in the sun. The sky gradually started to look ominous. With enough build up, more often in a stupor, the downpour was sudden and frightening. The air was too dense and thick, and so to some, the pour was welcomed in anticipation of better air and a possible rainbow. It's been a while since I saw a rainbow and the last time I saw it and posted pictures of it, things have changed. They are still playing the documentary about thunderstorm on Discovery Channel and Singapore remained the mentioned country with the highest occurrence of lightnings and thunderstorms. Watching Discovery Channel became a task I need to learn to love to watch again. Meanwhile, SCV will be making more money from me with the increased number of channels.
Looking back at how Daftbitch and myself both sensing a neighbouring storm from brewing, it was so darn clear that women are just that tad more sensitive.
During lunch, it was pretty hilarious when they commented on my visible weight loss and their losses being non-visible. The loss was more than what some of them would like to see and according to Eczema Road Planner, I don't look as "overflowing" as before. It felt good to be praised with just the extra bit of makeup and a pair of killer heels everywhere I go. My co-workers have never seen me dress up so it was an eye opener for them. But of course, like primary school kids, I had to turn deaf ears to the jeers of the boys. Boys will be boys and they never grow up, do they? For friends, they would have seen all these before. The challenge right now is to prevent the copious amount of mooncakes poisoning my bloodstream and adding onto the bulge I managed to lose.
The greatest comfort I can think of is for a thunderstorm to come by and not having to worry about anything else. Lying on Grandma's lap and watching the rain go by.
"As long as you're here for me, nothing else matters." A cynical question - Can there be anyone who can be there for you whenever you need them? [And yes Daftbitch, I know your phone is turned on 24 hours and thanks for switching the volume louder when you sleep and thankfully, I didn't had the need to call you.] I'm just wondering because everyone will be gone or be dead one day, so how would this sentence hold water? In such a complex world, how can nothing else matters? C'mon and indulge me with an intellectual argument. I'm opening up the comments box so you won't need to sign in or to get it approved by me.
It's pre-work blues but unlike the fear of work, it's the fear of the feeling of being lost. Having been away for longer than just a long weekend, the oncoming audit will have a part to play nibbling me away bit by bit.
The weekend was completed by a short game of mahjong. Hosting them in my little room was a challenge but as compared to before, this room actually has more space for the table than before. On top of it, the portable table was just enough. Being relatively petite in stature, it was never an issue until Atomic Pilot commented on his restricted movements on the table. Given his size and height, I could understand why. I shall suggest his smoke friendly rooftop for our next game so we could have the other group of bored souls entertaining themselves with alcohol.
The hottest and my favourite season of the year flew off to another Asian city this morning and our initial intentions of sending her off over breakfast was aborted as none of the nightbirds last night could wake up for breakfast this morning even though there wasn't much alcohol last night. People come and go but some are just here to stay even though they can't be here physically. They are the people who are there when you needed them most, even if it's just for a casual chat. Just like Jaded Manhattan Lensbaby who can't fly down even if he's back in Asia this time round, seeing him on Gtalk was almost like striking gold for me. His attention was desired and appreciated.
The past week can't be more eventful. Apart from the unusual regular drinking, considering that I'm almost a teetotal, my car has also travelled more mileage than I'll ever clock up during a normal week. Going places and seeing faces was so much fun and I've kept myself so busy with slotting everyone in every available slot, I can't remember the last time I was this sleep deprived yet feeling so hyped. The only mistake was possibly mixing medication with excessive alcohol (which in my context is not alot but far more than my regular nightcap worth of single malt) and the rest was justified by a medical certificate. I tried resting the flu ache and fever while nursing the heavy head. However, the real remedy was with people who brought me so much laughter and smiles.
Singing my lungs out at the KTV, attending a birthday party, planting myself at Singapore's Super Import Night, spending quality time with my folks, casual chit chatting with real friends, hitting balls at the driving range, hosting the "Hottest Season" in transit and getting the hug she owed me for the longest time ever was just some of the endless activities. It's amazing how much one can pack in a long weekend and for me, a super duper long one starting from Thursday. The most important event has got to be church service today. Thankful to Ah B, I dragged my sleep-deprived body to Suntec and after getting stuck in the pre-F1 road changes, the anointing began. The prayer for wisdom was such a simple yet powerful one. And prosperity is where the wisdom will bring you in different aspects of life. The service touched many hearts, B and myself included.
The end of the lunar calendar's 7th month has also marked closures for many journeys, some were shocking and the others were expected. But the new piece of canvas was perfect for mistake correction and fresher colours. Life couldn't possibly be more exciting! To be in control is a prerogative that should not be forgotten and to be responsible for your very own happiness that lies right in your hands. All I need now is to catch a movie, dance my heart out and go spend some sundown time by the beach enjoying the breeze by myself. The seabreeze is comfort and to be able to shout out to nothing is a privilege that I must learn not to take it for granted. Just imagine living in a desert... (Gosh no!)
If there's a mahjong game for me to spend a couple of hours on, my weekend would be so complete. Then again, my room and Kokoro needs some undivided attention.
Pain is something that can be hidden too easily but to deal with it behind closed doors is another story altogether. Being with friends is one of the many methods and to have one of the those closer to heart just standing away from the crowd with you, without much being said, inhaling hard on those cancer causing oxygen tubes and giving you a gentle BFG hug will simply draw out that residual smile from you. Without putting anyone in a difficult position of having to take sides, bitter smiles was the only way to send messages across. To control the emotions from developing into a flood was hard but necessary. To be wronged with endless misunderstandings was sufficiently painful and exasperating. If it brings the period to the period, then so be it.
As painfully amazing and equally excruciatingly amusing, one can actually switch from totally understanding to unbelievably off. Things within controlled have been changed or refined over the months and years but things not within control are others' perspective. People see and hear what they want to see and hear and no amount of explainations will aid the understanding. The colour test during my first coffee with Urban Legend came back to haunt me on how people choose to see what they want. It's like putting on the blinkers and charging for the next target. The change in direction can be so sudden yet focused.
Open wounds kept getting dug at before the path of recovery can begin. To put all the pain to a close, the mind being the main culprit must start working harder than before. The legs must learn to move before the walking even begins. No matter how one can be stubborn and press on, the responses and environment will set the stage on the sheer possibility. If no explainations can alter perception then leaving it status quo might just be healthier for memories sake.
The colour of my hair has been deliberately coloured for a change but no one could tell the difference. How sad is that? Anyway, almost everyone commented on my weight loss and they all said the same thing, "I don't remember you being so petite/short." According to Bster, it must be the "presence" in terms of the sheer volume one can put their eyes on. Well of course without those clicking stilettos I used to strut in, I'd look far shorter than I actually am. Then again, I am short and I'm happy that way. I used to feel inferior when I was younger but hey, I can't grow legs just like some people can't grow brains! Ha!
Back to the topic of hair, I was born with pretty brown hair and with the fine strands, they just look lighter naturally. Ironically, I was always spotted for coloured hair in school when it was au naturel.
Eons ago... During the first day of school of the start of every academic year, I'll always get called out to the front during morning assembly without fail because the discipline masters/mistresses would always think that I've coloured my hair over the holidays. Truth is, I really only started colouring my hair only at the age of 18 and everything went haywire after that with colours ranging from totally blond to pink and purple (minus off the experience mentioned below).
So after being called out to be ridiculed and embarrassed in front of the entire school, my parents would inevitably be called in the next day. Whenever my Mom steps into the office offering the first handshake to the principal or discipline master/mistress, they would ask no further. My Mom's hair was lighter than mine and hers probably looked uber natural as compared to mine. So I would always be let off without much hassle.
However, I had this teacher who probably had a stick up his arse, went around "catching" people for coloured hair and insisted that my hair wasn't natural. I told him to ring my Mom up but he refused and wanted my hair to be coloured "SHIT-BLACK" the next day. Geared with less than $20 in my pocket, I marched to the nearest pharmacy to get black dye. The closest I got to black was "Blue-Black". (To BloodRed, Can you remember those days?) I thought it was black so I went home to get my hair dyed. Mom thought it was ridiculous but offered to help me out. It was my virgin experience with hair colouring. I swear I looked horrible and my hair looked like a piece of rock! The very next 2 weeks, I was "bleeding" blue water whenever I showered and soon enough, I had blue hair instead. And the cycle of that teacher chasing me repeats itself. Until a time when my Mom had to call the school and told them enough is enough.
So she had my hair cut short... It was a bad hair year because short hair aren't meant for naturally wavy/curly hair. Ryan Giggs was one of those people who could pull it off, few others did successfully. And I learnt from then that I should never have short hair until straightening iron came to the rescue. Should anyone with my pictures then, you can use it to blackmail me but you know I'll hate you perpetually for that.
Jaded Manhattan Lensbaby sent me a picture today of a beautiful engagement ring his mate presented to his partner. At 2.25 carat, the image was just staring me in the face. I was stumped with awe. The round brilliant cut kept my eyes glued.
Over a general discussion of how much should a man spend on an engagement ring, he googled and concluded that it's at about 3 months of the man's monthly salary. With your regular overheads, that means scrimping and saving for more than 6 months. If we're all talking about a lifetime, that's cheap. Truth is, the irony with the age-old opening wedding march "Nothing's Gonna Change My Love For You" shouts in most people's face sarcastically because everything changes. Everybody's Changing by Keane happens to be the song I've been drowning myself in recent months but no one listens to the same iPod as I do, as if anyone could be bothered.
In my point of view, back to the engagement ring, 3 months of the guy's salary is not unreasonable but do have your priorites and work them accordingly. It's a guide and not a must. But at least 1 full carat would make sense just because it retains value better! On the other end of the spectrum, overdoing and overkilling is not the way to go as well. But for those of you men out there grumbling on the 3 months when you know you can very well afford it, think about a lifetime and the commitment. PLEASE!
Lastly, not to forget that the decision to spend a lifetime together far exceeds that 3 months salary or the brilliant round cut diamond. It all boils down to the promise to one another, to love and to hold. Honour that and be in love for the rest of your lifetime.
The husky voice of David Cook never fails to capture my attention whenever it's on air. One song in particular that caught my attention and the rendition in my personal opinion, being better than the original performer's. There's this unique sex appeal about this American idol and I can't believe he's younger than me! I know very well I'm not young but these new singers are just repeatedly making us feel like time flew past us before we could even reach out for it. There are dreams we are want to grab but procrastination always ended up being the legendary thief of time. Dreams built and lost and once we flip to the next page, we always think of a new piece of drawing canvas and before we know it, the book is filled. Was talking to Jaded Manhattan Lensbaby and it seems like we're always back to the initial drawing block wondering the next block of crayon and how we want to pen the first stroke. Be it really vibrant colours or impossibly dull tones, we need to draw something. Reluctant as we may be, the empty pages need to be filled up or before you know it, the page gets tattered and you have no choice but to flip it.
Back to David Cook, with that chiselled face, he's the type of guy who would be your eye candy back in school encouraging you to wake up earlier the next day and attending school looking your Sunday best. He's also the type whom you'll never talk to and if he takes the initiative, you'd just stare and drool away. Incredibly handsome is definitely not the right description but probably really manly and possibly responsible. You know if he falls crazily in love with you, he'll give up his rising stardom to hide in Southern France with you. I have to admit, that's some insanity and a little alcohol talking. His voice does makes me happy and that's all that matters isn't it? Girls expect too much some times.
Urban Legend says this sounds like a stalker song... The song does begin to sound like one to me... Gosh! Must be Mariah Carey... She co-wrote this!
Will someone come sweep me off my feet and whisk me off to a small abandoned town away from this crazy place?
Thinking I've finally figure iPhoto, I couldn't be more wrong. They are all in funny format and I can't pass them on. Pictures of my little boyfriend, Bababooboo Junior, are still hot from the oven but even after figuring out saving it in alternative formats (or have I? Hmmmm...), stupid blogspot has got software issues hence, not knowing how to HTML the crap, I could only give you the basic until the functions are up. Kids grow up so darn fast and every single time I see him, he looks different. From looking like Mommy from birth, he now looks like Daddy. Having the need to jump all the time, the adults arms were all tired from being his bungee support. Being sleep deprived definitely doesn't help. Life is so simple for them and a total envy of many of us adults. A smile gets tricked out of him easier than performing a complex magic trick. My "Boo!" trick seems to work well with Breyton Junior and Bababooboo Junior so I guess it's sufficient to conclude that my trick is simple but efficiently steals smiles, laughter and giggles from babies.
Looking at the way Bababooboo Junior jumps, makes one wonder the courage of adults diminishing down the years. Based on the pedagogy thingy I learnt during my course last week, adults are more logical and systematic. As such, they have lost the bit of courage to go further or do more. The box slowly builds and thinking out of the box becomes a brand new concept here to stay. Human beings learnt to calculate and trust their environment a little bit more after each fall. With enough trust, we take it for granted that the floor will not sink when we walk on it and the buildings will not collapse when we enter it. But what actually causes the death in people in falling or failing buildings, is when we trust it to hold us well too much and when disaster befalls us while watching the rising of death tolls, we grieve in solemn lost of trust. The ability to trust a building that has once fallen is gone with the wind as well. There's a reason why World Trade Centre in New York City never got rebuilt besides leaving ground zero for tourists. Then again, that doesn't stop us from entering the other buildings because are we left with no choice or do we forget pain too easily? Given the current world population and economic activities, it is almost impossible to house everyone on flat ground. Having said that, we've all heard of ground sinking destructions too. Am I not making sense? I guess some sleep is due...
Lastly, an internal debate which I'd leave it out for all to have a good think about it - Is trust a regenerating trait?
If the indifference in a person’s look can kill, many of us would have died too many times. The hype from a person may not be from the last can of carbonated drink but it may root from fear or discomfort and more often, an unsetting combination of both. The inability to tell a close one from a stranger is disconcerting. For one moment, your confidante becomes foreign… Almost as foreign as a new language in the piece of land thousands of miles away. The daily weather is almost as uncertain as the changing seasons. To light up on a day of overcast has proved tough. Smiles are contagious but rare. Like the stock market in this financial climate, the sunlight just keeps dimming day after day. The initial hype of anticipation died faster than one can count from 1 to 10. Even cold blooded animals know it’s time to bask in the sun when it’s out. The sun will not always shine, the heat will not always be available. Must we wait for the sun to go down before we wait in insufficient patience for it to reappear hours later?
Are we all too used to “maybe” answer then look back in regret full of “what ifs”. Going full on 100% in all things in life doesn’t always herald good news. Caring too much in the process and results will only lead to the usual equation of expectations versus disappointments. To ignore all emotions either puts you on the altar of “thou shalt have no feelings” or puts you on the path of painless journeys. This statement is flawed and I know it but devoid of finding a better explanation, maybe and yes, maybe deluding oneself is a way of doing things to ease it all off. Easier said than done, I know and I cannot disagree.
Buying time is neither the deal nor the option that one would prefer. However, if that’s the less of all evils, then the deal is on. What amounts to evil then? Does lesser pain means lesser of the evils but what if… The same ol’ exclamation of what ifs… Maybe… Whoever can guarantee or measure the amount of pain inflicted and whoever else would be able to understand?
If one can toast the pain off with a night of endless blabbering, life would be much easier. The drips and drapes that are left of the memorable cold is the unforgettable voice and the sheer warms of the hands. If loud music and more intoxication can help, it would be more welcomed. Maybe… Well maybe…
If the presence makes a difference, one can only pray that all will be sweet much like how we would love our stay on this world to be and be remembered just the way we want it to be and in some cases, the quieter the departure the better. Besides, not all funerals are fired up by drums and cymbals. Should the last moments be able to determine much, the look from the eyes of the senders would lay down what needs to be done after flames turn all warmth and blood to dust.
After having done all the necessaries within all possible humanly powers in pursuit of happyness, can “rest in peace” be appropriate? Maybe… Maybe not…
If this post is too cryptic, that was intended. With fears of being put out in the open to be a target for new wounds, the choice between an outlet and excess exposure is being compromised a little away from each direction. Without losing the piece of self, the journey continues.
The trip is coming to an end. Massive shopping was done and I painted both the town and my bank account red. If it means I need to drink soya sauce for breakfast, lunch and dinner when I get back, I'd have to brace for a new kidney. Shopping ain't exactly cheap but the variety is awesome. Bargaining is totally foreign to me and it makes me feel totally useless. Going around taking pictures without my face inside seems a little like postcard photography and after a few shots, you shouldn't be amazed that I gave up on that idea altogether. Instead of having giant faces, I chose to save some battery life. Even then, travelling by yourself isn't that bad an idea at all. At the very least, you spend minimum amount of time whereever you don't want to be in and vice versa. More grounds get covered and of course, more shopping gets done. If you're a single female traveller, some not so marvellous tips which essentially worked for me over the years. Probably only applicable for city trips with shopping involved.
1. Have a travel wallet with your cards and the rest of the cash closeby yet unaccessible. (Common sense, I know) Have a little pouch with one essential shopping credit card and the cash that you're prepared to spend for the day. This way, you can effectively watch your spending as well. And look who's talking...
2. Always carry a big bag that can be secured with at least 3 smaller compartments. You'd never know what you're gonna buy.
3. When in doubt, follow the crowd. (And I mean the right crowd... If you trail behind some old ladies, you'll end up in their shopping district. If you choose shady guys...)
4. Have some water and tissues with you all the time.
5. iPod makes your long subway trips
6. Comfy walking shoes. Some places just keeps you walking and walking and walking and walking... They may be ugly but they keep you alive and your legs/feet happy.
7. Maps. You may not know how to read it but have one with you!
8. Mobile. For obvious reasons... And have at least a few emergency quick dials on hand just in case. The mobile must always be handy.
Although I may not be the most experienced traveller around, there are just some guidelines I have for myself.
Sitting here alone, feeling slightly below the weather, my mind started to roam with my iTunes ringing away in the background. In this land of foreign language and faces, I wandered the streets looking for the complex answer to "what do I want to do next?" Simple question but depending on what it relates to demands a much more thought through answer. These couple of days, I chose to not pack too much activities but cover more grounds, understanding the very local way of living. If you want to dwell, I'm just too lazy to explore too much. I needed a break from too much in the mind and I was trying to just attain that. Having said that, money seems to miraculously disappear even not much shopping was done. Besides, my main purpose of being physically here was easily achieved by the flight. The rest is up to the bigger man up there. Weather here had been good with a bit of overcast every now and then but generally, what can't be controlled by me shouldn't be mine to grumble about. Maybe...
So, what do I want to do next? Was told recently that even if the deal is right in front of you, you can always choose not to accept the deal as the power of decision lies in your very own hands. But too many times, we're all too concerned with the "what ifs". There's always a limit to what one can take but why are we all so engrossed in pushing the bloody limit. Maybe it's easier to take the back seat and let the rest fall into place. Easier said than done. We all want what we want and what we can do to have it, we will fight for it. At least the miserable personality of mine always seeks such "nirvana". If the decision befalls on another person's decision, it might well be better to loosen the string and let the kite fly. Afterall, what is not yours will never be.
Sometimes, it's not about what the will power can do but not to have the will and to give it all away. The load should be lighter...
