A NEW Comment on a November 2007 Article

Before I embark on my next posts on my Track Day today, let me just clarify something. I received a comment today on a post dated November in 2007. Please click HERE for a good read. To give people who are going to read this article with a short forenote:

- This article was written in November 2007. I have since moved on from wanting to buy a bimmer to actually having bought a Volkswagen. They are still German but for totally different reasons.

- If I have not made it clear enough, it wasn't the blue, white and black logo that attracted me but it was the sheer handling of the car. BMWs being RWD with 50-50 weight distribution and having built award winning 4 and 6 potters, the engines are gems from years of R&D. Read the article again, I did NOT say Rex = Beng and Bimmers not. I said Rex does have a beng image/factor which is objectively objective. Ask any tom, dick, harry on the street...

- As for your newly rich, crass over class and your interpretation of HDB, you're merely looking down on people living in HDB flats and think that they are crass. Mind you, I grew up with proper upbringing and education, crass is last on the list. The fact that you actually said what you did, you do know crass to a great extent. Go ahead and dwell in your own tiny world.

- Association of BMWs owners and snobs? Read my article carefully. There are STILL people out there and I HAVE personally met and spoken to these people. It may be in the 70s and 80s but these people aren't dead yet! So poor people like you walk to Orchard. Congratulations on your wealth that you can flaunt off and call yourself poor. You obviously have not worked a single day in your life to know how hard it is to earn your own keeps and be able to afford your own ride. I may not drive a very fancy car but I have pride and I'm glad to say I earned every cent of it myself. Of course, I'm not poor enough to pay the whole sum and I'm effectively 100k in debt, paying the bank off in installments for the next 10 years.

Now I have no mood to talk about my Track Day. Have the guts to leave your name if you have the intentions to leave such sarcastic remarks. Wuss!

你好吗

This will be a super short and fast post. Yes, come call it is a quickie.

Anyway, Kokoro met with its first accident yesterday. It was a slight brush and all it needed was some cosmetic surgery. Details would be up soon but right now, I need sufficient sleep for my next track day kaypohing around.



温柔的时间抚平我们的亏欠
过几天过几年伤会好一点
多久没见面孩子气有没有变
还记得我们从前笑的那么甜
baby 我想起你你有了他
是否依然为了爱变的很傻
我想起你你有一个他
好久都没说的话你好吗
温柔的缠绵我也放下了依恋
过几天过几年伤会好一点
我收着照片安静在盒子里面
回忆是你我剩下唯一的关联
baby 我想起你你有了他
是否依然为了爱变的很傻
我想起你你有一个他
好久都没说的话你好吗
问候是我对你好想说出的话
现在你过的好吗
我想起你你有了他
是否依然为了爱变的很傻
我想起你你有一个他
好久都没说的话你好吗

A specific hug was left at lost & found...

My First Track Day

I wasn't crazy enough to track Kokoro as yet but it was truly an experience. Now I want more for my Kokoro...

Back to Track Day, I taxied my way up just to have a taste on how the convoy would be like up and down so that I have enough courage to bring Kokoro up on Thursday. Highly likely...

Upon reaching there, people started to unpack and unload. It was just so much fun even to watch. Very soon, we heard the Porky Cup Car's exhaust blasting away, almost deafening but definitely sweet. You could hear exactly when the car downshifts from the pit itself! No pictures but there will be another one on Thursday. Stay tuned.

Clean White Sheet Of Fabric

Have been refraining myself from posting too emotional stuffs and living in an illusion that my life is not that messed up. Unfortunately, I can't deny myself any further. I'm allowing myself to be entertained and mesmerised for that 20-30mins every now and then when the honey drips and life have to revert to it's normal form after that. I call it reality. I could of course force myself to stay away but doing so would practically kill me. Let me live in my dream and hopefully one day, dreams do come true.

Would you draw the details on our fabric with me? The clear, white sheet of fabric that never came...



Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling all your threads and
Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
But, if it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your own name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine
Everything will be fine

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I'm doing everything

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything, everything will be fine
Everything

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Yeah everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything

Hold your own
And know your name
And go your own way

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way)

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic (Go your own way)
Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine?

Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own, know your name)
Hell no reason go on and scream
If you’re shocked it's just the fault (Go your own way)
Of faulty manufacturing

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold

What's That Smell? Something's Burning... My Pocket!

If you're a road idiot like myself, you will need a navigation system. I know once upon a time, we used to have road directories in the car and some of you may still have them. There's absolutely nothing wrong with them, different strokes for different folks. This is just very positive feedback from me, one unique user. Had it not been the GPS, I might have wasted alot more petrol even though it doesn't always give me the best route. Take for example, when there's a choice for me to head home either via the AYE, ECP route which is my preferred choice, it'd always chow the CTE, PIE. And everytime I pass by Ang Mo Kio, my ERP just beeps non stop. Yes, it led me to a heavily congested road and I even have to pay the government for it. However, it will always bring me to where I need to be eventually. I thank God everyday for technology.

Over the last few days, I'm been contemplating making a trip. A backpacking trip. I can imagine some jaws dropping just about NOW. You can imagine me bringing my credit card along and swiping my way into a swanky hotel after 2 days. Well, even 48 hours seem a tad too long for me roughing it out. Truth it, I'd be happy to do it. To shock the skeptics even further, I had in mind to do seasonal jokes like plucking apples, shearing sheeps, providing my 3 lbs of brute strength to vineyards. And yes, paying my way just to do the jobs of $10 an hour. I see it as a pure life learning process, a once in a lifetime priceless experience. I really hope I can find something...

Being a boy trapped in a girl's body, I have quite an array of interests and most of them are really expensive to upkeep. Apart from a usual girl's fetish for bags and shoes, I love cars and anything that makes it go faster and look better. That alone is very damaging for teh bank account. As of today, I have so much in my pipeline I want to do to Kokoro (my car's not so masculine name), I think I'll have to work alot harder come October.

Right now, I hope I'll have excess to play with cameras. I really love the Canon 40D and I'll get it when my bank account eventually grows. Right now, the suspension, anti-roll bars, the exhaust, the chip... is at the top of my priority list. Let me speak to Santa Claus and see what he can do. He's got now till December to save up...

Brief Movie Reviews

Part of the grand plan to fill up my 3 months of not doing anything is to lunch with different people everyday. The laughs and jokes shared during lunches is something I should be thankful for as long as I don't choke. To keep my readers entertained since I've ran out of daily ramblings and grumbles, I'll have a wider range of what-not to talk about. Come to think of it, haven't I been doing this all along... Getting senile for spending too much time home.

Caught Dark Knight at Gold Class over the weekend. It was kinda cool as we had enough people to book an entire cinema. Come to think of it, 24 seats wasn't hard to fill. No doubt, it was fun to have everyone in the cinema people you know rather well. Doing silly things which you wouldn't usually do in the other theatres were inevitable. As for the movie, I was glad that they managed to portray Batman for who Batman really is and not a superhero. Although not my favourite genre of movie, I enjoyed it tremendously. A good 2.5hours spent in the cinema.

Today, managed to catch "10 promises to my Dog". Not a usual nor popular vote among my friends. All in all, the graphics were rather fake BUT the plot was worth all the while. As a dog lover, I was able to empathise with the lead character. After I got home, I gave my dog a big fat hug and played with him. It has always been easy for me to advocate the fact that our dogs only have us when we have our lives. Doing it myself is a totally different story. With busy work schedules and frantically trying to squeeze the remaining of life into my life, I have barely any time with Tiger. Day after day, he's always there waiting for my return and even when I'm out of the country, he'll still hide in my room whenever there's a thunderstorm. If you love dogs like I do, grab the DVD since I reckon it should be off the charts pretty darn soon.

No Commercial Break

So much for having nothing to do, I should have time to blog more often but truth is, I'm spending much lesser time in front of the computer and more burning some petrol.

Zhoos is now back in Singapore. His Dad passed away last week from a heart attack. I knew his Dad as a very nice man and good father. Over the years, I've always told Zhoos how wonderful his Dad was but he doesn't seem to see it. Like everything else in life, when we're in it, we just don't see how lucky we all are. I started to look at everything in another light and began to view my folks differently. As much as Mom drives me nuts at times, I'm happy she's still around and still grumbles, only cuz she cares.

Finally collected my belongings from the office yesterday. I didn't even had the chance to step into the office for one last look but that was expected and I reckon good for a non-emotional separation. Having been here for a little more than 2 years, I left feeling totally unappreciated for the work I've put in for 2 years. It is selfish to blurt out something like this as I think Comedy Boss has put in alot of effort to keep my unscathed. But from the company, in my perspective, just seems to be doing things in absolutely mala fides. I can't express how disappointed I am.

Spending these few days running from garage to garage just irritates the hell out of me. In a good way though... I got reminded of how much I need to do to Kokoro and voluntarily and knowingly got myself poisoned. The irony is that it takes about 3 more months to get my engine cranking again and start firing up for a brand new career. I know I will get there...

"La teh" session with The Fat Club was enjoyable as usual. And nothing out of the norm, the focus of night was on me. I just made it sound glamourous when in actual fact, it was pain, bitter sweet sort of pain (if that is how I can describe it). Let's just say I was the target of jokes and the spotlight never quite left me with occasional commercial break on "Psyduck's Chick". The jokes last night got a bit more to the counseling session type of awkward situation. I was caught defending myself for the silly decisions I make and possibly bad judgement of character. I knew they could jolly well be right. At one point, I wanted to break down and wail but the stubborn me wanted them to know that I know what I doing and hopefully my choice isn't wrong. Knowing exactly why they are convincing me otherwise, I was fending off all the protection and love they were trying to surround me with. I almost got angry with them for not seeing what I'm seeing. It is not possible to prove a point but to hang on to what I genuinely believe in and knowing that if I have to fall real bad one day, I will have several chubby shoulders to lay my head on. All in all, I know they care a shitload for me. At the same time, I also hope that they can give me the necessary blessings I need to tide over this crazy faith and belief.

To Rest Is To Take A Further Journey

After countless pairs of shoes, bags and bags of clothes, guilty amount of food, I'm finally broke with a frightening credit card bill waiting for me at home. I am a now happy camper. Almost towards the end of my retreat, just as I thought I'm ready to go back and fight a war, my energy wouldn't have a home till early October. Meanwhile, I shall stare at my wall and hope to get some form of response. More holidays await so ammunitions would have to be sensibly allocated to tide me over the next few months. Clever amortisation will guarantee a tight but reasonably comfortable quarter of doing absolutely nothing at all. After this few months, you will see very little of me or my writings. My soul would be loaned to what people deem as career and where I have my undivided passion for what I think I do best and will continue to do better.

Krispy Kreme anyone?

I miss my Kokoro!!!

Random Useless Thoughts

Been walking, eating, shopping, buying, looking non-stop. Was so tired last night, I was totally concussed. Haven't had that happening to me in ages. Did some thinking as I sat here a moment ago focusing on surfing Facebook within the 1 hour internet usage I paid for. As we grow older by the day, from our younger days of living on love and believing love works wonder and constantly feeling the need to feel in love, we start to age and as the aging process takes place, we begin to feel rather jaded and slowly losing the understanding of what love really is.

When I met Urban Legend months ago, I thought I found the one. In fact, I still do. The feel is still the same but circumstances aren't. I started to not believe in life and what it can give anymore. I thought I could be irresponsible to myself and not care about things anymore. No matter what I did, I couldn't walk too far away nor ignore what others deem as harmful to me. I kept walking nearer and nearer to danger. Reluctant to get really hurt, I hide. Beneath the lively exterior, lies bags of tears waiting to be released.

Underlying every of my action is the urge to tell you how much you mean to me and what is it that I can actually do to make things right? I should just learn to walk away...

Right now, I should just be happy that Krispy Kreme is about 50 steps away from me.

Blank Thoughts, Blank Life

Current announcements via the PA system is still not asking me to board my flight. In dire need of sleep, I'm staring blankly into thin air in hope of catching some sleep during the 4 hour flight. In our life, we often do things that doesn't quite flush with our intentions and sometimes, we just play with fire till we burn our fingers. Good thing being, well, burning the tip of the fingernails. Things could have been worse but I'm not giving myself an easier time. I only have myself to blame all in the name of fun.

Got a shocking letter yesterday and finally faced up to reality that this world is just too mercenary. When you have lost your value to people, be prepared to be treated like trash and without the least bit of respect that you would expect to command. To be fair, I began with hoping for the best and since this is not the worst, I should be counting my blessings.I suppose there's a reason for everything but this means, I'll just be poor for the next 6 months or so. Gives me all the more reasons to keep pushing myself to scale greater limits. Allowing myself to take my own sweet time is no longer an option, it is deemed obsolete. And with the impending excessive rest, I will only emerge tougher.

Time to board...

Lucky... Am I? *shrug

The soft spot I have for you doesn't seem to go away. I don't quite know if I ever want it or for myself to go away. By now, I should be furiously avoiding and retaliating, I am not. All I find myself doing is to accept what come may. Never have I felt so vulnerable, waiting for pain to invade. The refusal to believe that you may never be mine hasn't quite hit home. Being all alone believing in myself and of course, the belief to believe in you doesn't quite go down very well with everyone else. Most thinks I'm stupid and I should be shaken out of the daze. I think have faith. God told me just have faith and he'll take care of everything. I trust that I will breeze through the blades without getting cut. I can only refuse to wake up and convince myself that I'm invincible. The tears aren't helping... All I want is for you to step into the picture you drew for me and complete it. Maybe I should just wake up from this dream or was it a nightmare?



Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
Though the breezes through trees
More so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

Fossil At Work. Not.

It's been a couple of days of rotting at home. Well, I won't say rot since I've been shuttling between the garage to mahjong games to watching the boys play futsal. It's been a good few days of not doing anything but I can't take this any longer. Leaving me floating in the air not knowing if I should not give a damn on something that is greyishly invalid or be really worried that I'll get into some form of tug of war. Haven't seen Silver for ages and it's been just a few weeks, this man is totally changed. I've never seen him so prudent and I must say it is a pleasant change. Being totally inspired to plan for my retirement life and when I plan for it to start. He also gave me to encouragement to work hard enough so that I can build some form of passive income. Let's plan... How about my first million by 30? GO!!!

Will be leaving for Hong Kong around this time tomorrow. It's the rainy season but this is not gonna deter me. I needed a break badly and Ex-Sir's Sir wanted to just get away. Perfect and off we go, planned just less than a fortnight ago. I just can't wait for Tokyo...



你还记得吗记忆的炎夏
散落在风中的已蒸发
喧哗的都已沙哑

没结果的花未完成的牵挂
我们学会许多说法
来掩饰不碰的伤疤

因为我会想起你
我害怕面对自己
我的意志总被寂寞吞食

因为你总会提醒
过去总不会过去
有种真爱不是我的

假如我不曾爱你
我不会失去自己
想念的刺钉住我的位置

因为你总会提醒
尽管我得到世界
有些幸福不是我的

你还记得吗记忆的炎夏
我终于没选择的分岔
最后又有谁到达

Life's Jigsaws

Had a real bad fall from wakeboarding yesterday. It wasn’t so bad that my contacts fell out but when I hit the water, it felt as if someone slapped my face real hard and instantly, I knew I was going to get whip lashed. True enough, I can barely move my head today. Although the pain is bordering on my threshold, I am a real happy girl. I had bigger air yesterday. With my heels dug in, great efforts put in not to jerk my body and keeping my handles low, I had higher jumps though not far enough for my 2 wake but I believe if I get the whole “riding up” smoothly, I don’t have to be bothered how “far” I was jumping. Besides, with the right basics, I know I’ll get there so for now, it’s just a matter of time. Just like everything else in life, once you can get your principles and directions in line, the others will fit themselves in nicely like jigsaws.

My cousin’s little celebration for his second ROM was totally following family tradition – Bordering disastrous. As usual, the young people had the good fun – Food, beer, kids running around, amusing you.

Side anecdote – Little Javier, my nephew, said something that really amused me.

Snugloft: When’s your birthday?
Javier: 10th November
Snugloft: Which year?
Javier: Every year!

We have heard this every year joke too many times but coming from an 8 year old and the fact that it was instantaneous, cracked everyone present up.

Another conversation I heard between Javier and Shermen (my other nephew) when someone asked where Javier’s Mom was.

Shermen: Javier’s mommy working at the airport.
Javier: Not airport, she works on the plane.
Shermen: She went to the airport yesterday to work.
Javier: My Mommy went to the airport but she works ON THE PLANE.
Shermen: No! Airport!
Javier: (Sigh!) Children just don’t understand.

Haha… Too funny!

Back to the little party, apparently Golden Mushroom Auntie just didn’t get it that you have to let the kids do whatever they want. My cousin is in his 30s and this is second marriage. She was throwing tantrums in front of the guests and said that she was not being respected since my cousin didn’t invite more relatives from “our” side. I feel that we should just give him all our blessings and hope he lives happily ever after and not creating more problems for him. After watching the entire drama, I was glad my parents are rather open and let me do whatever I wanted. They have never quite interfered in my decision making processes. Though they’ve been bugging me on certain things and how certain legends went silent. While believing in what I believe in which at this point no one apart from myself knows that for a fact, I didn’t want them to question my actions nor decisions in anyway (not that they would but I just don’t like the hassle). So I avoided potential questionings. I don’t like the “see I told you” talks but I’d rather shut them up with real actions. When things are there, they are there.

Having a live-in maid can be inconvenient but let me tell you, my unique situation has been God sent. During this period when I’m all busy and ready to fire off the rocket, my part-time helper needed a place to stay. Her current employer doesn’t have a place for them to stay. Together with her friend, I now have 2 live-in helpers. Apart from the weekly thorough cleaning up they do for us, they still pack bit by bit around the house. Half my wardrobe looks like it’s been through war since the other half looks incredibly neat. The contrast is just like heaven and hell. My room is still a bit of a hell hole right now but I’m sure it’ll be better very soon. Taking a day off to pack my own room will help them keep it organized in future.

With the “deed” done on Friday, I will very soon have some time to pack up my room before I embark on my new journey. This is going to be a tough journey as I’ll be all on myself but with enough determination and hunger to spur me on, I know I will be able to do it. I don’t believe in spoonfeeding where you create a creature who leeches on to wherever that gives food. I’m starting to feel like a leech so I think it’s time I gain some independence and feel how rough outside world can be and grow up accordingly. My plans are to grow out of proportions, out of my shell and surprise everyone else. I will do it and I know I can. Now, I have to bring myself to start doing it.

Flusters - One At A Time

One thing at a time. I must learn to manage my fidgety moments more efficiently. Heart attacks a looming. Palms are sweaty, feet are cold, head is spinning. Constantly reminding myself, money is secondary. Building of an empire is awaiting. Help!

How can someone tell you that they like you but they have a totally separate life that they are leading? Isn't being together for 2 individuals the coming together of 2 wholesome beings and forming a much better entity complementing one another? Apart from being 2 great wholesome independent individuals, nothing else actually comes close of creating togetherness. How would anyone think it is ok? I for one, will not allow myself to get used to it and will not even think that this is an acceptable situation. Nothing anyone say is ever going to change my mind. I wavered once and once is all I am allowing. I am a highly favoured individual and I should know that fact very well. Sinking into a point of no return is totally unacceptable.


We don't talk the way we used to talk
It's hurtin' so deep
I've got my pride, I will not cry
But it's makin' me weak

I'm not your superwoman
I'm not the kind of girl that you can let down
And think that everything's okay
Boy, I am only human
This girl needs more than occasional
Hugs as a token of love from you to me, baby

I'm Yours

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
and now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing
We're just one big family
And It's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Scooch closer dear
and i will nibble your ear

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
My breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed

I guess what i be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
this is our fate, I'm yours

Well no no, well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find the sky is yours
Listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me
A lá one big family
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love love love

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

No please, don't complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

No please, don't hesitate
no more, no more
It cannot wait
The sky is your's!

Plans Plans Plans... Just Go!

It's been a while since I walked down Orchard Road and do nothing but shop around. Took a day off since BFG Uncle is here from Toronto. Was supposed to bring him out shopping but I ended up getting myself this nice LBD. Hot! For once, we were rambling on about our passion for cars face to face. Awesome! We even checked out Honda's showroom before heading for Vivocity for dinner. He's totally in love with the Civic Type R. It's about time for a trip to Toronto... And Whistler!

It actually feels amazing to be comfortable with oneself. But one big prickling issue persists...

Well, we can't please everyone. Everyone will have their piece of mind for the moment and what they think, as much as we would want to think it's not important, how the image runs in their mind is utterly important in terms of upholding a proper image. An attempt to right the wrongs is in the pipeline but trust me, pipelines never quite go according to plans. Thou shalt be who thou is. The faith that aids the process will definitely make things better. Like I always say, "my conscience is clear..."

A brand new start awaits. A holiday to Hong Kong is in place really soon and I mean REALLY SOON... Like nest week! Despite the storms and all, Ex-Sir's Sir and myself decided that we should get away for a good breather and embark on bigger things when we return. That's another part of my suspension gone to a holiday I desperately need. It should be worth the while. I simply can't wait...

Theme Song For The Month Of July

Very unique voice. I like it...

我会给你怀抱
我想我很快乐



这是一首简单的小情歌
唱着人们心肠的曲折
我想我很快乐
当有你的温热
脚边的空气转了
唱着我们心头的白鸽
我想我很适合
当一个歌颂者
青春在风中飘着
你知道就算大雨让这座城市颠倒
我会给你怀抱
受不了看见你背影来到
写下我度秒如年难捱的离骚
就算整个世界被寂寞绑票
我也不会奔跑
逃不了最后谁也都苍老
写下我时间和琴声交错的城堡
最后谁也都苍老

Kokoro is a Golf GTi and it's a HE...

Seems like I'm making up for lost time. I just don't want to pack everything together.

There are great news to be announced soon. Actually ONE piece of good news. No, not getting married. Stay tuned.

No pictures of Kokoro as yet. Trying to get it to look like a real hunky dudey before I take some REAL pictures and post them up.

Have I not announced that Kokoro is a 200bhp black 3 door monster more commonly known as the Volkswagen Golf GTi MKV?

Sweeeeet... I know. More to come...

Kokoro VS The Bank Account - Round 1 FIGHT!

Said to take it slow and I'm dying from the wait. Before I do anything rash, let me put this in words that I'm going to make far more money than what my Kokoro needs to be dressed up before I do dress it up. So the fashion statements got to just patiently wait for that glorious days. Right now, the coilovers will come first. It's looking like it's on stilts and this will not be tolerated, let alone the body rolls... Wooot!

After speaking tot the rep from APR, I felt confident enough to go the dark side but that will take place in a couple more months to go. The exhaust will have to go with the rear valence and at the same time, without moving up to Stage 2, it's pointless. Meanwhile, it might be good to go up to Stage 1 first and try it out. And if you're having a headache and these things don't quite make sense to you, it's normal. You won't wanna know unless you're got a large enough bank account to play with. I don't... So... Thou shalt be good and give my still "campus" UOB account a rest. As the Chinese saying go, to rest is to prepare one for the longer journey that lies ahead.

Solitary Is A Luxury

It's been almost a week of disappearing act from me yet again. I wanted to say I've done alot of thinking but truth is, I haven't. Good news being, I have concluded the general direction I wanna head so I'm slowly working towards it. I woke up this morning, feeling absolutely fantastic. I was driving from work and felt life is so wonderful, with or without anyone. Of course, having someone who can be there for you is a bonus but without them, life is still as good and it will go on. It boils down to our perspective and what we think of life in general. Once that is sorted, life is ready to embark on a fresh journey.

One variable and one time. Life is great and my new variant is going to take me to greater heights. This will be a tough journey but I believe it's going to be absolutely fulfilling. What is needed from me is a hell load of dedication and commitment and I'll telling you, I'm ready to go!!!

People come and go. People who appreciate me for who I am will stay for what they want out of me. There is no point for me to long and hang for what is not mine and will not be mine. Not wanting to sound narcissistic, I am not unwanted nor unattractive. I may have wrong people around me all the time but if I work to move North, I will get there some day. Meanwhile, all I want to do is to concentrate on my new journey.

If you see the value in me and what a wonderful person I am, we will get there one day. Meanwhile, I'm just happy being me and I will just be me. Single and happy.

Messy Missy

All messed up.

I know what I should do and I want to do it. Maybe through baby steps I will. But right now, I'm afraid of giving anything to anyone, anymore. Guess it's mild hypercondria I need to get out of.

As much as I know what shouldn't be doing some things, I'm sitting here, sobbing and not wanting to care anymore. But knowing the rational side of me will sit in real soon to end this hiatus, I'm aware of the repercussions this temporary insanity is going to bring and I'm not prepared to live my life with it and accordingly.



If I want to be the good girl that I think I am but am I sending out wrong messages, then I shall endeavor to do the little things to keep myself in track. A constant conscious reminder to self...

Taken off my cousin's blog and her hopes for me... That left me in tears on how much I long to just have you in my arms and nothing else...

Love once left me cold and gray
I had almost reached heaven
Just to feel it slip away
But life's too short to waste away
Being scared to take chances
Or so I've heard wise men say

I wanna be loved
Faithful and true
I wanna be loved
Ten million lifetimes with you
I wanna be loved
And after all I've been through
I'll let my heart take it's chances, just to be loved by you

I wanna feel there's a reason for living again
I want us to fly far away
And I want my heart to sing the words only you can understand
So put your hand in mine, say a prayer tonight
So that we may find love

Maybe If I Hope A Little, Try A Little More

Someone sent me this... She seem to know exactly how I'm feeling although the last time I spoke to her was months ago and she probably don't know what's going on with me or what's wrong with my life at this point. It's a tear-jerker...



Have you wondered how it feels when it's all over
Wondered how it feels when you just have to start anew
Never knowing where you're going
When you face a brand new day
It used to be that way
Now I just close my eyes and say

I just want to breathe again
Learn to face the joy and pain
Discover how to laugh a little , cry a little
Live a little more
I just wanna face the day
Forget about the woes of yesterday
Maybe if I hope a little
Try a little more
I'll breathe again

Starting out again is never easy
Disappointments come and go but life still moves on
With a bit of luck It's a brand new start
That might just work my way
No need to walk away
Don't want to live on life replay

Things will work out fine
If you can find the courage to look past the night
To see the break of dawn

Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough

Seems like things have come to a close last night. Or so it appears...

Hitting on the stop button but while staring at the blank screen, it messes up your brains. Maybe it's just the pause button. Doesn't move too right? It hits home real hard when someone shakes you up and points to the big red dot that reads STOP. The surreal image stares in your face.

The brain freezes. The hands turned numb. The head spins. The throat dries. The breathing speeds up. The tears run...

Uncontrollably...

I thought I prayed. I thought I did all in my might. I thought you cared enough. I thought... Or so I thought.

Never had I have this feeling before. Not knowing how to handle it, I prayed. Everytime I open, I cry. Maybe that's God's way of healing me. The tears were filled up to the brim and maybe that's why I couldn't breathe. Regaining the ability to breathe doesn't quite work hand in hand with having a clear mind. Had I not placed all my chips in this one bet, I might not lost this big. It was my choice. It is my choice.

Insanity probably comes closest in any form of explanation and definition. I have finally let it all go.

I don't wanna lose you,
I don't wanna use you
Just to have somebody by my side
And I don't wanna hate you
I don't wanna take you
But I don't wanna be the one to cry
That don't really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

Now I could never change you
I don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall
Yes I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just wanna have it all
It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking somethings gonna change

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

And there's no way home
When it's late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
There beside you where I used to lay

And there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Cause baby sometimes love just ain't enough.
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough.

Thanks for everything. It was a great long drive.

Carpe Diem

So many variables in my life. Too much for comfort. Too much for my puny brains. Decisions, decisions, decisions...

Push? Pull? Push? Pull? But what the hell?

Get lost right now... Or so I told myself. What am I getting myself into?

The right mindset. But what is right? What mindset? But what the freaking hell?

Can't you tell I'm lost?

Thou shalt not play with fire but after speaking to Alkie Empress Dowager, I've decided to live my life for now. I don't think I have the energy to insist on having the life I want anymore. The people who are meant to complete the picture have all died into the surroundings. I have blended into a patch of grey water colour, neither here nor there. Carpe diem...

Some people makes you ache and yet you long for them. Some people makes your heart beat fast and laugh but you push them further. Some people are just not right, you condone. Is that all wrong? God works in mysterious ways.

Before you know it, I'm long gone...



I know if I could find the words
To touch you deep inside
You'll give my dreams just one more chance
To let this be our last goodbye

You & I Both

Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me


It's been a while. Besides Kokoro taking some of my time trying to get some new shoes on for him and organising to get him to look better, I've been pretty messed up.

Everything at home seems fine. It was a day to pamper Daddy yesterday and was at Vivocity. Think he was chuffed when he was ushered into the private room at Crystal Jade.

After some time of not hearing the voice, I thought I'd not be bothered. Load of codswallop. I can't seem to get past myself so I filled my life with more colours and voices. Talking to Alkie Empress Dowager and Babe Jie Jie made me feel that I'm not all alone in the world. Friends are great consolations that life has so much more to offer. Taking this bit of time to nip out made me see that if this is not meant to me, there should be no reason why I should be around to create more problems for everyone.

And it's okay if you have go away
Oh just remember the telephone works both ways
And if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang

To think of the dreams we built, the songs we sang and the love (or maybe not) we shared, it's painful to let it off the system. Having said that, if it is an impossibility, why am I insisting on being the stupid one?

Shall we talk?

明月光　為何又照地堂
寧願在公園躲藏　不想喝湯
任由目光　留在漫畫一角
為何望母親一眼就如罰留堂

孩童只盼望歡樂　大人只知道寄望
為何都不大懂得努力體恤對方
大門外有蟋蟀　迴響卻如同幻覺
SHALL WE TALK, SHALL WE TALK
就當重新手拖手去上學堂

陪我講　陪我講出我們最後何以生疏
誰怕講　誰會可悲得過孤獨探戈
難得　可以同座　何以　要忌諱赤裸
如果心聲真有療效　誰怕暴露更多
(你別怕我)

螢幕發光　無論什麼都看
情人在分手邊緣只敢喝湯
若沉默似金　還談什麼戀愛
寧願在發聲機器面前笑著忙

成人只寄望收穫　情人只聽見承諾
為何都不大懂得努力珍惜對方
螳螂面對蟋蟀　迴響也如同幻覺
SHALL WE TALK, SHALL WE TALK
就算牙關開始打震　別說謊

陪我講　陪我親身正視眼淚誰跌得多
無法講　除非彼此已失去了能力觸摸
鈴聲　可以寧靜　難過　卻避不過
如果沉默太沉重　別要輕輕帶過

明月光　為何未照地堂
孩兒在公司很忙　不需喝湯
SHALL WE TALK　斜陽白趕一趟
沉默令我聽得見葉兒聲聲降



well I'm almost finally, finally, finally out of words.

有些坚持却永远磨不掉

用起伏的背影 挡住哭泣的心
有些故事 不必说给 每个人听
许多眼睛 看的太浅太近
错过我没被看见 那个自己
用简单的言语 解开超载的心
有些情绪 是该说给 懂的人听
你的热泪 比我激动怜惜
我发誓要更努力 更有勇气
等下一个天亮 去上次牵手赏花那里散步好吗
有些积雪会自己融化
你的肩膀是我豁达的天堂
等下一个天亮 把偷拍我看海的照片送我好吗
我喜欢我飞舞的头发
和飘着雨还是眺望的眼光
时间可以磨去我的棱角
有些坚持却永远磨不掉
请容许我 小小的骄傲
因为有你这样的依靠

You And I Both

Running in is the most painful process especially when I've given myself till Tuesday to do so and the last I checked, I've only clocked 300+km. Taking nice long drives are within the plans but combined with serious efforts of keeping myself busy with alot of voices around me. Driving around alone reminds me of the possibility of having a familiar face singing along to Jason Mraz with me in the car taking the long running in drive to nowhere.

Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me

I may not have the cutest face nor the best personality around but that doesn't warrant a disappearing act. I may be an insignificant nobody who comes and goes in your vibrant life but the difference you have made can't be wiped away overnight. If things don't work, you know it better than everyone else from being the counsellor and first party that closures are necessary. This is such a mess I can't wait to get out of.

Darling you got to let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
If you say that you are mine
I'll be here 'til the end of time
So you got to let me know
Should I stay or should I go?

It's always tease, tease, tease
You're happy when I'm on my knees
One day is fine the next is black
So if you want me off your back
Well come on and let me know
Should I stay or should I go?

Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
An' if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know...

This indecision's bugging me
If you don't want me, set me free
Exactly who I'm supposed to be
Don't you know which clothes even fit me?
Come on and let me know
Should I cool it or should I blow?


Back to Kokoro, I've been spending sleepless nights (sleepless not due to Kokoro) thinking about engine oil change, transmission issues... My waist and hair volume are apparently going at opposite ends in terms of volume, non-favourable unfortunately. I wish I have someone to bug to about Kokoro... Excluding people like Fatshark, Kenntona, Como, Silver...

Do I need to reiterate that I am NOT a boy?

What happened to "everything will just be fine?"

What Just Happened?

Picked up Kokoro and I've been spending all my time running around and trying to get my life sorted. More often than not, I sink into a daze I couldn't get out of. Tell me it was a dream. I have no idea what's going on. When people ask how am I doing, I don't have an answer readily. If I go with an "ok", I am lying through my teeth and everyone could see it. If I go with a "no", I don't quite have an explanation for why I'm not ok but I'm just not ok. My hands are constantly cold and sweaty. Driving alone just encourages tears.

For those of you who are awaiting for more news of Kokoro, watch this space.

到最后, 心痛了, 放弃了, 哭泣了

I need a shoulder for these tears... I'm so tired.



我和你啊存在一种危险关系
彼此挟持这另一部份的自己
本以为这完整了爱的定义
那就乖乖的守护着你
相爱变成猜忌怀疑的烂游戏
规则是要憋着呼吸越靠越近
但你的温柔是我唯一沉溺
你是爱我的就不怕有缝隙
在我心上用力的开一枪
让一切归零在这声巨响
如果爱是说什么都不能放
我不挣扎反正我也没差

人质在这一刻得到释放
相爱的纯粹落得如此下场
你满意吗我们都别说谎

I Want My Kokoro Now!

There's been so much delay and I thought I'd finally be able to see my Kokoro. It's like seeing your long lost sibling. You feel that you know them so well but in actual fact, you don't really know them until you interact with them. The timeline gets delayed further and further and my poor Kokoro is not even registered which makes it still illegal for local roads. Having a soft heart doesn't quite help in me trying to brace myself to scream at the SE. On top of which, I didn't have the strength to bring myself to.

Hourly countdown to 5.30pm tomorrow...

Also, it's not helping that I'm constantly on the verge of braking into tears.

Crypt-onite

All I want to do is find a way back into love.

Being cryptic is probably the last thing on my mind while deciding to type out my frustrations today. Saying it's frustration is purely under describing it. I'm exasperated and all ready to take a break in life and disappear for a good while, away from people I know, from work, from life, from every single freaking disturbing thing. Often caught disgruntled with trust issues and people I love, I'm not usually this easily affected. I do hold my breath and patience exceptionally well in my whole honest opinion.

All hell broke loose emotionally and if there's a better way to describe it, I can't think of any right now.

What do I do to make you want me
What have I got to do to be heard

The guessing game is anything but fun. I've always believed to hold one's silence is the best way to go in terms of not filthily involved. But when the truth gets further and further away, beyond reasonable reach (beginner to sound like a criminal law essay), one retreats in fear and rebound with anger.

I need to breathe...

kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor

Heck it, I don't want to be bothered anymore!

Roar!

蓝天

忽醒忽睡 我又挣扎了一夜 窗外透进 几丝光线
空荡的房间 留着你的照片 幸福的感觉 索然无味

无心唱歌 却又拨断琴弦 所有的事 留给明天
感情的善变 挖空心思遮掩 谁能用真心 说抱歉

我陷在爱里面 渐渐疲惫的脸
仿佛是退不出 又走不进你的世界
我陷在爱里面 是谁停住时间
越过了重重的心墙 有一整片蓝天

就陷在爱里面 一张无辜的脸
仿佛是退不出 又走不进你的世界
我陷在爱里面 谁停住了时间
越过了重重的心墙 有一整片蓝天

Kokoro Comes, Kokoro Goes

The snuggle seems to be evolving into a struggle. The ache reminds one of staring at the situation for far too long and feeling the pain of an onlooker. Disappointment is but one of the hundreds of mixed emotions. Constantly reminding myself I have the walk the walk, talk the walk, all by myself.

This feels very much like a two way radio, except that I kept talking into one, kept "roger-ing" into the walkie-talkie, thinking that one day my messages will be heard. Little do I know, the other walkie with the same frequency might have forgotten to recharge or went back to its last frequency. The frequency may not be the clearest for all we know, though on this side of the walkie we too do not know if the other walkie has been turned off. Not knowing doesn't mean stopping to give, tears and aches lead to disappointment and emptiness that catalyse the impending departure. Courage can only do so much and too much courage spells brainlessness.

True love waits for no one when it's blinking right in front of you. Before you know it, it's all gone. To fight and struggle is part of an attempt to save a belief. The belief erodes, trust fades, love hangs on with the very last bit of pain. We all know it's gone... Why didn't anyone tell me? I think everyone did, I chose to shut my ears and refused to face up to reality. I think it's time I take my leave...

The once upon a time long drive, the afternoon anticipation to hear the voice, the conversations filled with excessive but enjoyable laughters, the nights without any form of response. It's not just honey, it's Manuka. And you'd think it's special...

The best birthday could well be the worst. But what do I know... 我很好



沙发上睡着
孤单冷醒的破晓
冷的面条热的泪痕
啤酒在苦笑
当时的煎熬
当时的心痛如绞
天终于亮了
遗憾终于退潮
终于能够恨不再疯
泪不再掉心不跑
一定会有一个人
一段新的美好

谁让我拥抱
谁让我再一次心跳
就算爱情让我再次的跌倒
伤痕也要是一种骄傲
谁让我拥抱
谁让我疯狂的心跳
就算明天整个城市要倾倒
也让我爱到最后一秒
丢掉电影票
删掉信件跟合照
洗了床单剪了头发
清空了烦恼
恨可以很小
小到眼泪能冲掉
我现在很好
可以重新起跑
终于能够恨不再疯
泪不再掉心不跑
一定会有一个人
一段新的美好

谁让我拥抱
谁让我再一次心跳
就算爱情让我再次的跌倒
伤痕也要是一种骄傲
谁让我拥抱
谁让我疯狂的心跳
就算明天整个城市要倾倒
也让我爱到最后一秒

地铁涌出了人潮
幸福涌出了预兆
我会找回当初对爱天真的霸道

谁让我拥抱
谁让我再一次心跳
就算爱情让我再次的跌倒
伤痕也要是一种骄傲
谁让我拥抱
谁让我疯狂的心跳
就算明天整个城市要倾倒
也让我爱到最后一秒
谁让我拥抱
谁让我疯狂的心跳
就算明天整个城市要倾倒
也让我爱到最后一秒

On a separate note, Kokoro will report for first day at work on Tuesday. *Roar

我为什么那么爱你

往大海里沉没
一动不动
到烟头烫了你的手
不要说什么都别刺破
就算结束
努力温暖到最后
我想静静离开
你却从背后
拉住我的手
你并没有用力
怎么我那么痛
我多想说没有关系
我还爱你
却挤不出一丝力气
是我错过什么记忆
才从幸福跳到这里
最怕自己从今以后
什么都不相信
当初多勇敢爱了你
多勇敢才能原谅你
我为什么那么爱你
爱到什么都说可以
发誓绝不做的事情
现在做的不想放弃
爱情到底让人脆弱
还是让人坚定
我用尽最后的力气
从头到尾都没有哭泣
爱曾是我盲目的理由
你犯的错
除了我别人都看透
暮色中
心特别的寂寞
眼眶的泪
该为你还是为我流

Trust My Kokoro

Since young, my parents gave me alot of freedom. As I was growing up, I understood why. Dad being a very strict parent, would never allow me to stay out, afraid that I would be led astray. Given my personality, I would have fallen to the dark side pretty easily. But as I grew older, Mom and Dad never bugged me for staying out late, drinking, partying because I would always inform them volunteerily of my whereabouts and they never had to worry. I came home at the time which I said I would and I did. Before I knew it, they couldn't be bothered anymore. When much younger, I used to think I had little freedom. Subsequently, I realised that was necessary at that given stage of my growing up. In fact, I'm grateful for all that because that meant that I'm enjoying endless freedom since I gained independence from allowing them to trust me.

Trust determines whether we allow ourselves to be friends of others or to fall in love. But getting betrayed of this trust is something I'm too used to experiencing. So much so, I'm actually numb and forgot how trusting someone feels like. Just a feel months back, I thought I could trust someone with my life. Without much thought, I willingly gave my life to him. Relative to people who say yes to proposals not knowing what they are getting themselves into, I knew that was what I wanted and I was a willing sheep. Nope it wasn't a proposal so don't start calling me and I'm still single, just not available that's all. I knew I was in imminent danger because I have never trusted someone so much and never felt that I could give away my lifetime. Until now, I still feel the same. But somewhere along the way, second thoughts hit and before I knew it, you were gone. When I was finally told, "I'll talk to you when I'm back", I knew you were just too far away. The trust I had was shattered. The only time in my life, I stupidly stayed put and allow myself to be hurt once and again. All because I trusted one person. Maybe I shouldn't but I did and still do. How incorrigible and stubborn can one get. I'm a monkey, damn it, not a cow.

It's the same thing for friends. People you think you trust them with every last deepest darkest secret you carry, may for not reason, turn their back and say hurting things about you. I don't usually give a damn. Yes, I'm actually a boy stuck in a girl's body. I can have a proper conversation with you regarding cars. That aside, only when I genuinely consider some people as friends, I trust them with my life. Not the same as the instance in the second paragraph. That's unique and never before. It's a one off incident and will probably occur to only one person. But when it's friends, on a general level, I expect to be treated genuinely. Not too much to ask for but it seldom materialises itself and bloom into what you thought that you have been seeing. Even giving all that you can, people mistaken your actions and act against them. Tragedy for an insignificant life.

All I wanna do is to hide in your arms and seek refuge...

Following some question marks, I have decided to give "Goma" a more permanent name. As I mentioned earlier, it was just temporary until I go fetch it. Now that the date is drawing near, I have one suggestion putting out and hoping to get some feedback. I actually like this...

Kokoro (心:こころ) is a concept that crosses through many martial arts, but has no single discrete meaning. In context, it means something like "heart," "character," or "attitude." Character is a central concept in karate, and in keeping with the do nature of modern karate, there is a great emphasis on improving oneself. It is often said that the art of karate is for self-defense; not injuring one's opponent is the highest expression of the art.

If you read it in Chinese, it's the "heart". All I wanna do now is to take good care of my heart...

I… can’t get out of bed today
Or get you off my mind
I just can’t seem to find a way
To leave the love behind

I ain’t tripping
I’m just missing you
You know what I’m saying
You know what I mean

You’ve kept me hanging from a string
While you make me cry
I’ve tried to give you everything
But you just give me lies

I ain’t tripping
I’m just missing you
You know what I’m saying
You know what I mean

Every now and then when I’m all alone
I’d be wishing that you would call me on the telephone
Say you want me back but you never do
I feel like such a fool
There’s nothing I can do
I’m such a fool for you

I can’t take it
What am I waiting for?
I’m still breaking
I miss you even more
And I can’t fake it
The way I could before
I hate you but I love you
I can’t stop thinking of you
It’s true, I’m stuck on you

Now loves a broken record that’s been
Skipping in my head
I keep singing yesterday
Why we have to play these games we play

I ain’t tripping
I’m just missing you
You know what I’m saying
You know what I mean
Every now and then when I’m all alone
I’d be wishing that you would call me on the telephone
Say you want me back but you never do
I feel like such a fool

I can’t take it
What am I waiting for?
I’m still breaking
I miss you even more
And I can’t fake it
The way I could before
I hate you but I love you
I can’t stop thinking of you
It’s true, I’m stuck on you

Every now and then when I’m all alone
I’d be wishing that you would call me on the telephone
Say you want me back but you never do
I feel like such a fool
There’s nothing I can do
I’m such a fool for you

I can’t take it
What am I waiting for?
I’m still breaking
I miss you even more
And I can’t fake it
The way I could before
I hate you but I love you
I can’t stop thinking of you
I hate you but I love you
I can’t stop thinking of you
Don’t know what to do
I’m stuck on you

Granite Grey Graphite Grey Overcast Grey

This is almost a done deal. I've decided to go for these Prodrive GC014i in 18". The 19" will kill me in terms of rubber changing as Michelin's PS2 aren't quite known to have a long lifespan. When I visited Leong Seng last week, I was adamant on getting the Volk but when I saw the Prodrive's, considering it weighs almost like the Volk, I was tempted. In the end, it was just a tossup within the Prodrives, namely GC07C, GC10E and the GC014i. The GC014i just have the right well crafted spokes, I was immediately sold although the only BBK that would fit in time to come, would only be the Alcons. I shall give Leong Seng another call to make sure that they still have it.

Taking of delivery will tentatively take place coming Sunday or Monday and anyhoo, I'd most likely have to take Monday off.

Skeeter Mom will be flying off to Germany to visit Fatshark Guru and they will be doing major "killings" in France and Switzerland. My shopping list and Euros are in the good hands of Skeeter Mom and fingers crossed, she will be back with either my Miu Miu Coffer or some LVs. Surprisingly, the Miu Mius would be the more pricey buys but I have no qualms. Totally sold to the idea of a casual classic and besides, suits me to a T.

Shoes and bags totally kill us women in very polarised ways. Men will never understand, rarely... Probably Fatshark Guru does. Then again... During lunch with Skeeter Mom today led to another little purchase of a pair of stiletto pumps and in anticipation of waiting for Pilotsnoopy to end his meeting, shopping in town is inevitable. I might just be able to ward off the temptations but if I'm allowed to run into some well-detailed heeled sandals, I'd melt in a heartbeat and before long, the credit card will leave my wallet for 30 seconds though it's daily regular ritual of stripping the bank account dry.

In the all of nothing game that I'm playing in almost every aspect of my life, I've been hit really bad yesterday. Like what Babooshka Mom said, aren't we all too familiar. It just so happened that it was big numbers we were talking about and it's the entire's quarter's pipeline all turned to ashes after a few phonecalls. And I have zero control over anything. Weekend and late night firefighting have all gone back to naught and I'm back on the finishing line, except that it reads, "Start" all over again. What a bugger! My Milltek exhaust is waiting for me... Pah! Good thing about being in our line, it's never all over.

Big girls don't cry. Breathe...

Prayers give me faith, faith gives me hope and hope gives me pictures of brighter tomorrow. We have once painted these but it seems blurrer and blurrer as the day passes. It could be my eyes failing. I can only hope that my bridge of faith doesn't fail because I've been keeping you in my prayers. With all the strength that I have remaining, there is only so much one can do. I've exhausted my means (if they even existed to begin with) and I am exhausted. I'm turning into a complete nutter! Maybe I've always been one but just totally unaware of.

Am I rambling again? Don't you all love it?

Malaysian Immigration

This story is taken from Asia One.

Travellers See Red Over White Cards

For myself, I experienced the messed up first hand but in a much smaller scale and thankfully, I wasn't stuck behind some massive jam. The Malaysian government had decided at their whim that they want to collect the white cards at immigration after abolishing the rule in January. I had to fill up the white form at Pengerang jetty and gave away my favourite cheapo pen to a group of unfortunate souls who didn't even have a pen to fill up the forms.

Thou shalt not go into too sensitive discussion and given my personality, I'm more than tempted to spill it all out. Then again, I'm not like a start blogger and I don't desire an insane amount of visits. I haven't even gotten a single cheque from Nuffnang and that shows you peeps out there aren't giving my advertisers sufficient support. Haha!

For once, I could fly to everywhere I want and shop till I drop, well almost. But with my little black monster getting delivered soon, I will have to manage my finances more sensibly and travels will have to wait.

Today's just a crap day... My worst day in my job ever... Can it get any worse?

Let's Start From Here

Just came back from an extremely short trip back from where Dad calls home...

Managed to rest my mind from all the crazy firefighting, crazy calls and one majorly messed up me. Wanted to pen down some thoughts but I think this song sums everything I wanted to say...



Giving up, why should I
I've come too far to forget
We're beautiful, we just got lost

Somewhere along the way
So much was missing when you went away
Let's start from here, lose the past
Change our minds, we don′t need a finish line
Let's take this chance don’t think too deep
Of all those promises we couldn′t seem to keep
I don't care where we go
Let's start from here

Standing here face to face
A finger on your lips
Don't say a word don't make a sound
Silence surrounds us now
Even when you were gone I felt you everywhere
Let' start from here, lose the past
Change our minds, we don′t need a finish line
Let's take this chance don’t think too deep
Of all those promises we couldn′t seem to keep
I don't care where we go
Let's start from here
Let's start from here

I've never been the one to open up
But you've always been the voice within
The only warmth from my cold heart
Let's start from here, lose the past
Change our minds, we don't need a finish line
Let's take this chance don’t think too deep
Of all those promises
Let's start from here, lose the past
Change our minds, we don't need a finish line
Let's take this chance don’t think too deep
Of all those promises we couldn't seem to keep
I don't care where we go
Let's start from here
Let's start from here

Work & Play Don't & Shouldn't Mix

Blogs by airline crews that tell all are the talk of the town. Singapore Airlines has already banned their crews from doing so. This boils down to privacy. Most people refer to their friends or family by their names directly revealing their relation and information that might not be personal at the point of publishing but might become sensitive in time to come. Company logos and emblems including the "kebaya" will directly or indirectly reveal the sleazy lifestyles of the cabin crews and this in turn might tarnish the airline's reputation. The act of blogging might be seemingly harmless but in actual fact, if it is an open blog, anyone will be able to access let alone the fact that individual words written in the blogs will be picked up by search engines. Since Day One, I have insisted on using nicknames and some of which I wouldn't even remember in a couple of weeks time and had to reinvent another nickname. It all began because I wanted to avoid some personal implications. It turned out to be a wise decision as many doesn't want their identity and stories to be revealed.

I mentioned way too many times that my blog is my personal outlet. Rightfully pointed out by Urban Legend, it might jolly well end up as someone else's inlet. I kept my entries to very simple and readable layman terms hoping that some of my stories, thoughts or decisions will indirectly affect my readers in a positive way. Admittedly, I've been negative and low but even then, I have received relatively good feedback on how some people can relate to my emotions and was reassured that things will definitely take a better turn. Even so, names are never mentioned to protect the "innocent". The only exception I make are new babies. They are just so pure and new to this world. I don't think I should hide them behind any veils. So far, there's only Laura Widya and Chloe Sim. I wonder how is Baby Laura doing now...

Back to blogging on work-related matters, I have always avoided them unless it's seriously affecting my emotions. Recently, I must say I've been affected more than ever but i know I will be back in shape very soon and be whipping up big numbers in no time. Keeping work and personal life separated is tough, blogging and Facebook just makes it harder. If only we can keep everything absolutely anonymous, that would be great but that too, takes away the fun. All I can hope is for you to enjoy the crazy nicknames I come up with every now and then.

Getting In Shape

Waking up early has always been a challenge to me. But the enthusiasm and adrenalin running through you might just make the difference. When I first started my current job, I was the happy girl, totally in love with every moment of my little life while working for the most wonderful boss in the world. I raced myself to work everyday just to get in before Babooshka Mom. Setting an excellent example, she was always around and has got what it takes to run an office efficiently. She understood the importance of being a good role model. It does make a big difference. The key between being an employer and employee, she had it all figured. Hats off!

These days, I've been getting out of bed later and later and only when being whipped back into shape, I actually got in alot earlier. But I wasn't that happy to get in. I wasn't smiling to myself and hoping that I'll get in earlier than anyone else in the office. All I really do is to pray hard that Shrek don't send me another of those emails telling me how f***ed up I am. The regular humdrum goes...

All I want these days is a good night's sleep and being able to wake up half an hour early so Comedy Boss doesn't have to save my arse by covering it all up for me. I feel so bad having dragged him down while he's also being whipped together by Shrek. When asked about my loyalty to the company, I started to think maybe it's just being loyalty to certain personality. Comedy Boss earned my trust, others will have to do the same. Remorse doesn't affect me anymore. All that is whipping me together is the thought of dressing up "Goma" and oh, the next Miu Miu bag.

Who's The Fairest Of Them All?

Life is so fragile. One day we're celebrating life, the other we get news of unexpected departures. Departures that makes your heart whine in sorrow and your eyes follow suit without much control. Life is too short for us to feel sorry for ourselves and worry about yesterday. I want to smile for today and now. Fact is we do have to worry about the "what if".

The precise reason why my darn bloody ridiculous excess for my motor insurance is out of regular proportion is all because of a big "what if". We can't be absolutely covered for what come may but why do us as humans try to do as much as we can for a tomorrow that we're unsure of even though we don't know if we'll be killed on the road tomorrow.

To say that I asked for it is not entirely wrong since I could have registered the car under someone else's name but it's about time I take on such responsibilities and be a big girl. For once in my life, I'm taking good care of myself and people around me. That feeling is beyond what words can translate.

I can rattle on but today's been just a crazy day. To go on about things I'm not happy with is not the way I do things. All I ever wanted was to be treated fairly. We'll see...

Birthday Announcements

My nose is killing me and it's causing the headache that's affecting my ability to function. Losing sleep should not be a peripheral result of an allergy attack. The dry and sore throat eventually prevents me from falling asleep.

Bunch of announcements!

1. Happy Birthday you Dodo in NY. All the best! Things are already beginning to look up and it will only get better for you. Love you, buddy. I think I should get you a TV so that I can watch it when I go over... Hurhur, I'll just go live with my twin... Oh she's coming back... Oh well, I'll go watch TV over at Yawho!'s place. Can both of you move closer to one another?

2. Happy Advanced Birthday to Grandma. My only living Grandparent... I've been going to church so don't you worry!

3. Welcome to this world, little Chloe Sim. Although a little premature, I'm sure you'll grow up to be a fine young lady. Does that mean that your full month celebration is coming up soon? Dang...

My head is spinning out of proportion... I should get some non irritating light into my eyeballs... No more computers! Bye...

你是我的答案不变的答案

Been more than a week of living by anti-histamines, nasal spray, decongestants, etc. Having the nose perpetually blocked and waking up with a super sore throat doesn't quite help when there are too much work to be completed. Taking time off work isn't an option unless I run out of all possibilities. Believe or not, I've been putting far more effort at work than earlier this year and all I wanted to do was to not sacrifice my lifestyle of traveling and gallivanting around while spending half my assets on a huge liability commonly known as the car. And in my case, dressing up the liability adding on to it's depreciating value.

Ideas and thoughts of various rims started to roam and focus shift and again. The only thing I can be sure is the rim size for now. Mind you, this is an achievement as I was still shuttling between 18" and 19" yesterday. I've decided on the 18" solely because the rubbers are going to be expensive replacements and having decided to dump my money on the really expensive PS2, it's only wise to take the 18". Plus it goes very well with the car 8 x 18. Perfect! Now, we need something that could clear the BBKs in future. If the rims can only clear certain BBKs, then I'll have to make extra effort to afford those "glorified" ones.

My big blueprint is more or less clear. Driving the car stock is not an option, it's a must. At least for the first few months, I will have to know and feel my car so much so I can hear what's exactly wrong. Then I would predict the suspension to be the first to go. KW V2 or V3 or PSS9, still on the drawing board. All I know is to do the anti-roll bar with the suspension. The handling would be the first I have to give some attention to. Power wise, I have more than enough of those at this point in time.

You will start to see my progressively mod diary over here in amidst of my mindless rantings. As of today, the antihistamine is taking effect, the z monster is calling me. I've been listening to the song I posted yesterday on youtube because I can't find the mp3 and they do not have the CD at Gramophone. Repeating the lyrics to myself reminds me of how much I long for your presence. Like you said, it's not easy and I have to live with it. I chose this passage and I will have to bite my own tongue and live through it. Unless I'm told one day that I'm not welcomed in the little house without gates anymore. That is when I'll take my leave...

Am I still part of the thinking process by any chance?

顺着梦的沿岸只有收穫没有遗憾

Caught "Made of Honour" with Ex-Sir's Sir today. He has conveniently became my weekend buddy since both of us have NBTD. Every weekend seems to be major shopping trips for us apart from the satisfying sashimis and Bakerzin'. I bought a VEHICLE last week and he bought a camera this week. I was drooling when I was the camera and the very one I wanted cost like TWICE the one he bought so thou shalt be a good girl and refocus (pun intended) my priorties. "Goma" comes first! Now why do I have to have a special love for expensive boys' toys?

For the past week of so, I've been sniffing, my nose is perpetually red and now it's even peeling, I've been waking up with sore throats with disturbingly-coloured half hardened phlegm, headaches come and go, body temperature goes dangerously up and down, my nose gets totally blocked when I'm ready to sleep or while I'm sleeping. The virus is getting to me...

Oh "Made of Honour"! After the show, we got reminded of "Cholesterol King's" when I was on the phone with Urban Legend and how my ex-schoolmates (all guys except for 1 girl apart from myself) were planning my customary wedding on how they only need the groom to transfer the monies into their bank accounts. These bunch of guys will probably end up as my "bridesmaid" considering my friends are all guys. With the exception of Alkie Empress Dowager who has volunteered herself sometime ago to be my personal wedding planner cum maid of honour. But you can imagine a bunch of guys doing the girly negotiations and all. This will be a sight! Watch this space... Mind you, it's quite a long wait. (Hurhur!)

Weekly mahjong sessions at Cholesterol King's place has become more or less regular and I must say, that takes my mind of silence. Without them, I might have sunk into a point of no return by now. Then again, the thoughts of doing up my "Goma" and how I'd want to do it and who I'd trust for advise had been occupying quite a significant portion of the puny section between my ears. After doing much asking around and reading up, I think concluded where NEVER to go to, who I should go for advice despite the higher price tag, and what I should put into "Goma" to make it a better ride. The choice is clear... The budget isn't. Danger bells have just gone off in unbelievable decibel and I've chosen to ignore. What have I done to myself? Self-poisoning is the worse of all viruses, bacterias and diseases. The mod poison is killing me slowly but surely...



如果世界忘了旋转
谁用春光让冬夜温暖
如果星星不那么灿烂
谁还会向她许愿期待她陪伴

如果今天泪光闪闪
谁让明天值得我乐观
如果怕风少了安全感
谁把我放在宇宙中心宠爱

而你是我的答案最确定的答案
像走在一条花开的路不会错过美满
缘分转几个弯证明我们不会走散
学会用眼神牵手那才浪漫

你是我的答案不变的答案
有了自己的天使做什么都显得勇敢
顺着梦的沿岸只有收穫没有遗憾
被握着手心看的未来永远蔚蓝

True Story, True Love

Says who that true love don't exist. I nearly cried when I saw this. I'm skeptical when I first read it and I actually thought, "ya right". But given the circumstances, who wouldn't want to be brought to safety in the first instance. I believe the scene can't be more touching. I know such sacrifices is absolutely possible. I hope never be put in a test like this but what would you have done?

'I'll be your hands and legs'


Sichuan, China

"Husband, are your feet trapped?

"Persevere! As long as you get out alive, who cares if you're crippled?

"I'll take care of you for the rest of my life.

"When I become your wife, I'll be your hands and legs."

These were the words uttered by Yan Niuniu to her fiance, Tan Xiansong, as he was trapped beneath the rubble caused by earthquake that shattered China last week, reported Tianfu Zaobao.

The 21-year-old man had been taking a shower when the quake happened.

During the shower, he had felt tremors and was certain that an earthquake would occur. He called for his fiancee to fetch him some clothes so that they could run outside for safety.

However, before she could hand over the clothes, the apartment collapsed and both were trapped under the building.

When the rescue team came, Niuniu was first extracted from the debris as she was buried in a more shallow place.

But the 20-year-old refused to be saved first.

"I'm all right, save my husband!", she teared to no avail as the rescue team went on to extract her first.

As minutes turned into hours, Xiansong was finally rescued.

However, there was no fairytale ending to this tragedy. The quake had exacted a price - Niuniu's fiance lost the use of his left hand.

But, the accident did not stop the devoted girl from loving her fiance.

"I'll take care of him. I'll be the hand that he lost."

Staying Stock

The loan is approved.

COE bid was a success.

Motor insurance covered by Daddy sponsorship.

Now, THE waiting game... THE final countdown... 2 more weeks...

The excitement is slowly creeping in. But Dad doesn't like the colour and he thinks I'm still at the deciding stage... Hmmm...

Moving on - Work, friends have heard my screams and cries. In fact, everyone has their whines and cries. I don't do rubbish work and I do make sure, that if I should put my foot onto the accelerator, I'll give it my best. The relationships that I've built with people I deal with are good testimonies of my working style. Remembering Babooshka Mom's words, I know I'll never satisfy the fast ka-ching and some expectations from management. I understand why people need and have KPIs. And as much as I'm whining, I too wish I could fill up those numbers. I just don't fall within this category or a fixed mould. I'm feeling the strain...


This Volk TE37 Time Attack only comes in 19" which I think looks perfect on a little black car, i.e. my "Goma". Rubbers may prove to be more expensive but this is one helluva unique set of rims and best of all, it's forged & light-weight. Leave your comments!

至少还有你

I've been wanting to embark on this topic since last month but didn't want anyone to think I'm particularly talking about them. So I'm not referring to anyone in particular unless I mentioned you or rather, the nickname I've given you.

Financial planning... Here we go.

If memory serves me right, friends and relatives used to avoid the then insurance agents like plagues. I guess times are different and people do accept the idea that they need to have some form of protection/coverage should anyone befalls them. Then the umbrella gets bigger, the protection extends not just to your life and health but to your mind and wealth. The business gets bigger and more people enters the industry. Most are left to sync and swim or just sink. Some emerge better and more motivated people, others just slump further into nothingness.

Just let me disclaim before I move any further, I have my own planning sorted out by someone who's in no way anyway related to me nor by any chance, even a friend. The reason behind this is simple. I want to keep my finances private and getting friends to do it just makes it a little more uncomfortable.

A very good friend of mine, Balloon Sculptor who recently changed got married and has changed jobs not one, but twice, is looking to move yet again. This time he's determined to make it big. I don't doubt his determination one bit, I'm more worried on his focus, really. But well, since he has decided to to put his foot in, we'll just help to pull him up whenever he needs a tug.

Jem called me today and asked about my new car. Frankly, I'd love to have like 10 cars and everyone of you get to do one of the auto insurance. Wouldn't that be great? Dreams aside, Jem recently started her own agency. On one hand, I'm happy for her that she's finally found someone she truly enjoys and her dreams are all so beautiful. I don't mean to be a wet blanket but this world is cold and harsh. Unless you can stay absolutely disciplined and focused, that is a dog eat dog world out there. Having said so, which industry isn't. I can only give Jem my very best wishes and if anyone were to need a financial planner, I wouldn't forget to mention your name.

My buddy who repeated a year with me during my JC days has been in this line for the past 3 or 5 years, till today, she's still madly running around. Whether she has made it anywhere near "the good level" I have absolutely no idea. But lunches with her never go without talking about buying a policy from her and her kind follow up calls makes you feel obliged to want to help her. Unfortunately, for her, my stint in Shanghai has built my resilience although I'm always really close to succumbing to "oh ok then..." My sanity mind and the want to keep my information private is still my utmost priority. I do want to help her so if anyone of you need to speak to anyone "non-obligatory", I can hook you up with the people mentioned above.

But if you ask me who's the best in the market? My answer is absolutely biased. He's not someone I'm using, neither is he someone who needs help. Not any of above-mentioned. Someone whom I totally adore... Make a guess! He's an Urban Legend afterall.



我怕来不及 我要抱着你
直到感觉你的皱纹 有了岁月的痕迹
直到肯定你是真的 直到失去力气
为了你 我愿意 动也不能动
也要看着你 直到感觉你的发线
有了白雪的痕迹 直到视线变得模糊
直到不能呼吸 让我们 形影不离
如果 全部世界我也可以放弃
至少还有你 值得我去珍惜
而你在这里 就是生命的奇迹
也许 全世界我也可以忘记
就是不愿意 失去你的消息
你掌心的志 我总记得在那里
我们好不容易 我们身不由已
我怕时间太快 不够将你看仔细
我怕时间太慢 日夜担心失去你
恨不得一夜之间白头 永不分离

Goma Goma

Been extremely busy the past days. It was a long weekend with Vesak Day just over. No short trips this time round. More exciting news awaits...

Sitting here with every muscle in me aching away. With viral fever, there's probably nothing much medications can do but just rest it out.

Back to the exciting weekend. Loads of mahjong games, evened out with no significant winnings nor losses but I did sign a huge cheque. Probably the biggest I've put my pen down on, ever. The result of this big action would be revealed in this little black monster with 200bhp coming my way in 3 weeks time. I must admit it's a huge commitment but I'm ready to take on the world. Well, with merely 200 horses, maybe not the world, I'll start with the track.

Having test driven both the Mini Cooper S and the Volkswagen Golf GTi, let me have a short writeup and you there, sitting at home or in the office reading this, shall have a smart guess on which is my ultimate choice.

It was a close fight. So close that I know the other car that I didn't choose this time round, will make it to my top choice in my next purchase. After talking about my choice in cars for ages, I finally muster enough courage and "strength (in terms of my bank account, at least for the meagre downpayment" to head down to Leng Kee for test drives. See, I never quite had the mentality to spend weekends test driving cars out of fun and instant pleasure. So only when I have decided to take the plunge and yes I'm going to be "married" to my "Goma (My car's name for the time being)", I made 2 appointments, one with Veedub and the other with Mini.

Chronologically, we took the like cute Mini out for a ride. If you think it's cute, wait till you hear the thing roar! The power kicks in the moment you let go of the accelerator. Yes, auto. I know I was talking about the manual and totally in love with the manual but I can't get over days when I want to perform my "Superman" stance i.e. one hand on the hand rest and the other on the steering wheel. Too much of a lazy bone in me. Having said that, the drive was wonderful. Probably because the test drive route was longer and made up of a good mix of straight and winding roads. Needless to say, the handling was superb. It felt raw, point and shoot instant reaction from wheel to wheel and all these were before the sports button was switched on. In sports mode, the steering tightened even further, the power was instant and reaction was pure superb. The car felt so close to the ground and the grip was unbelievable. Back to the showroom, the colours were limited. My favourite astro black with white roof and red interior was available but unfortunately, it was the display unit. I didn't quite like display units stuffs because I always end up with them and I have no freaking idea why. I believe with the JCW engine tuning kit, this car would be a demon.

Next stop, Volkswagen. First, I took the lesser of the two brothers, the GT for a ride. This was far too docile and nothing like what I had in mind. It was nothing comparable to the Mini and later on, the GTi. The GT was a total waste of time. It felt powerless, almost like a NA car. The interior wasn't far better. None of it screams quality. It was a quick drive and finally came the hothatch rabbit - the Golf GTi. After the disappointment with the GT, I thought I might as well head back to Mini Habitat immediately and dump my downpayment for the little power. Once on the road, this hot hatch showed me the power it's been wanting to unleash. The handling and steering wasn't as fun and tight and the Mini and it was no way as sticky given the higher centre of gravity. But mid to high end, the monster kicked in. Going faster was a breeze. It felt a little more floaty than the Mini but hell, it was simply too powerful I can't find a better suited word to replace. Now, this is true competition for the Mini. The SE wasn't quite keen to throw in alot of goodies and my bargaining skills... Let's just say there's still plenty of room for improvement.

Now the interesting vote takes place. Which car do you think I eventually picked? Click on comment right below and tell me what you think and given that the very few of you reading my blog, I need some comments to liven up this place. Teehee...

Another 3 weeks of waiting game... Like what Dpointt said, it's gonna be the longest wait of my life! Thou shalt continue reading up on coilovers...

Wandering

I haven't been able to form a complete sentence and have been deleting half completed posts. My mind isn't complete. My soul is lost. Bear with me. Let me recompose and I'll try again soon.

Taking Time For Granted

Propaganda plays a big part in our everyday life and I never quite doubt what I read on BBC News or what I see on Channel News Asia but the whole Myanmar Cyclone disaster has made me look at things in a different light. The media is largely controlled by the bigger and stronger nations. Do we ever wonder why Burma never quite wanted Americans to step foot on their land? I wouldn't if George Bush, the warlord + Texan oilman, is the president. There are resources to be exploited and the Americans are not going to give you all these help for free. Nothing is free in this world. Why aren't you people seeing it?

As much as I think Myanmar should push for democracy, let the votes decide and the people vote for what they deem as representing their voice. Taking advantage of these countries when they're most vulnerable is just not fair to anyone. Media is so controlled by these people on top and we are so gullible as to believe whatever it portrays. I suppose I'm a victim of such manipulation myself. So with my little insignificant voice, I'm telling you, "whatever we see or hear or read, there's almost always another story behind it."

Some funny clips to get you past the day like it cheered up mine...





Was suppose to catch "Jacques Brel is alive and well and living in Paris" with Alkie Empress Dowager but a meeting which I didn't know when it'll end forced me to cancel it. However, I did finally find time hit the gym and burn off some accumulated guilt. Subway completed the "I need to stay healthy..." régime and hopefully it'll last more than a month. Since my New York trip, I'm been diligently paying for my gym membership that could have been put to better use.

Life is short. Not quite an epiphany but it's a constant reminder to myself that I have to embrace life more than I've been doing. Dilemma being I can't decide if some things are a waste of time. Time is the very last thing that everyone of us should or could waste. Hanging on to a lonely belief is not easy... It's started to freeze...